tired of playing the game

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ToddMAdl, Aug 8, 2008.

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  1. ToddMAdl

    ToddMAdl Well-Known Member

    I am very young and I know I have my whole life in front of me but I don't know if I really want to live it sometimes. I am very bright,charming,intelligent,articulate and I have natural talent for the profession I want to pursue but sometimes I wonder if I truly want to put the work in and go through living the hardships of life. I feel atleast 15 years older than my age of 18. I'm tired of all the "fun stuff" that kids my age like to do. I find being around my social circle of friends,going out,partying, getting inebriated is fun for what I call short term happiness but in the end it's rather boring,can be exhausting and is actually very empty. I don't want to go through the journey I'm ready for the climax to see what my life is going to be like, I want to settle down now or see if I will so I can determine if life truly is worth living. I'm ready for a wife and kids. I want a family now. I think that would be most fulfilling now but that's financially impossible obviously but I hate it. It's probably just the hormones talking because I'm sure they tell us to naturally reproduce to keep the species going but I want that. I just don't want to go through the stress of college,finding a job, getting on top of the totem pole in the job and hard annoying work. While at the same time I don't look forward to trying to meet that wife, I would like to have her now and not go through the hassle of dating and what not. Part of me also fears because I'm not the most self confident person is that it would be a waste of time because a part of me doesn't believe that it is possible to find the one for me, atleast the one that I like and that I'm attracted to. Everything's just so frustrating and I'm sick of it. I still don't understand why life is about achieving the goal to find the nicest and most expensive funeral and coffin. I really do believe many times that life is not worth much and working hard leads to nothing.
     
  2. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Wouldn't you love to go to the grocery store and not have to wait in line???? Go to school and have them hand you your diploma or degree and not have to learn anything???

    Everything in life has a process.

    Why do you want a wife and kids? What makes you believe that having wife and kids is the ultimate goal?

    Isn't it more of a concern that you are NOT enjoying your life this very moment?
     
  3. ToddMAdl

    ToddMAdl Well-Known Member

    As a matter of fact I would have like for them to hand me my diploma because I hated highschool and I thought it was worthless. The teenage years haven't been very fun and I imagine they're probably more fun for everyone else because most kids aren't as mature and they probably don't think as deeply and philosophically as I do. I've done all the kids stuff already and I've had quite a bit of fun but looking back on all of the things I've done they're not very fulfilling. I don't like it that life is a process because I think that is a waste of time. No matter what you do whether it's fulfilling or not will be erased because you are going to die so why waste your life doing all this worthless bullshit that is inconvenient?
     
  4. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Ah I see. you are analytical probably a classic INTP or ENTP. What are you?A scorpio,gemini or capricorn???

    Like Math: algebra or geometry?

    You are right, we will all eventually die. That is inpredictable right? Some may die of suicide.....car accident or old age right? SO what you are saying, is hurry accomplish everything and kill yourself right?

    Curious..........

    So why do you think that LIFE will be more fulfilling doing these "adult" things?

    What does this "ideal" life of yours look like or would be like?

    Why can't your create this life instead of waiting for the world to prove it?
     
  5. ibinsanediego

    ibinsanediego Active Member

    Tired of playing the Game??? You haven't even started the game yet... your'e still reading the directions.
     
  6. ToddMAdl

    ToddMAdl Well-Known Member

    Actually I'm ISFP. I do come close to INFP but I'm an ISFP and I'm a Scorpio I think. That's November right? I hate math, I never wanted to learn it and I just got by my math classes doing as little as possible even though I did that with almost every class growing up. I'm an english person, I have good writing skills and want to be a journalist. I do not want to hurry up and accomplish things just to kill myself. I'm looking to accomplish something to get over my suicidal thoughts. I will only kill myself if my dreams do not come true. The reason I already want to settle down is because I want a real companionship with a woman that is the one for me. I also love kids and from everyone I hear they and the marriage are quite fulfilling so I look forward to that. Sadly, I will not accomplish my ideal life. I wanted to be in the NFL growing up so I could play football for a living while having the ability to have all the money in the world,able to do what I want, have any woman I want and have the family I want. That's what I wanted. I'm going to have to settle with the cutthroat job of sports journalism. I really don't know if that will be fulfilling or anything else but I have to try. However I am so pessimistic that I do not believe that will happen.
     
  7. ToddMAdl

    ToddMAdl Well-Known Member

    And that makes my feelings invalid? I see how it is here.
     
  8. ibinsanediego

    ibinsanediego Active Member

    You think you see, but your really blind.. I said nothing about your feelings being invalid.
     
  9. ibinsanediego

    ibinsanediego Active Member

    l Have a book for your to read, it's called "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho.
     
  10. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Do you fear failure?

    Why can't what you do this very moment be fulfilling?

    Isn't it true that there are plenty of unhappy relationships and marriages?

    I have to wonder, writing itself requires much brainstorming and revision after revision,,,,,,,isn't that true of our life.......many decisions,mistakes and choices?

    Are you an all or nothing type of person?
     
  11. ToddMAdl

    ToddMAdl Well-Known Member

    Yeah I've always feared failure. I know there are unhappy relationships and marriages. I'm easy to get along with so I would do my best to not let that happen but I really haven't thought of that aspect as much because I haven't gotten to that step yet. Life does require many decisions and choices that will be very important and everything that I will do will be very important because I have certain expectations for myself and I fear that I won't achieve them which would be devastating. I think mistakes can be very but they can also be very devastating and you can't like something that can potentially heart you. Maybe I am all or none but there's no way to know how the future will go or how I will feel later.
     
  12. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Have you ever thought of joining the service? Join the air force they have the best schooling than the other branches. You can get a sign on bonus, and a guarentee for the MOS of your choosing. It would get you some on the job training. You will also get to travel and see different countries and meet the people of that country. Just a thought on how you can get to use your talent right away. Good Luck.....
     
  13. ToddMAdl

    ToddMAdl Well-Known Member

    No I'm not joining the military. I'm too free spirited,undisciplined,unstructured to join the military. My brother is in the Navy and I am not too envious of his life right now. My talent is in analyzing sports which is why I'll try to be a journalist in the field of sports.
     
  14. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member


    Why do you fear failure? What are you afraid is going to happen?

    What is the purpose of LIFE to you?

    The irony of LIFE, is that sometimes we want a blueprint to follow so that we don't stumble or fall. The journey of life involves many variables and that picture grows larger and larger with all choices and opportunities that LIFE offers us. Take for example, apples...look at how many different types of apples we have to choose from?

    It's an overwhelming feeling....it's a risk to buy several apples you've never tried....you may like one and not the others. Does that mean stop eating apples???? Not at all, you just take inventory of what you like and move forward. LIFE--whether love,career or religion, you accept what is right for you.....

    Do we always get what WE WANT in life ? Not all the time. Most of us live LIFE in the past or future. We develop ideas and precognitive thoughts about what we want and set oursevels up for failure when we don't achieve them. It takes focus but living for the NOW and present moment will show you what you are truly missing.

    It's wonderful you have expectations for yourself but what about your expectations that you fear you won't reach them?


    What makes you very interesting is your developed thinking at this age. It's a deep and intricate topic that won't have an overnight answer for you--as philosophy does just that, challenge/expand our convictions.....LIFE truly is a intellectual enterprise...the doors revolve quite a bit.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 9, 2008
  15. ToddMAdl

    ToddMAdl Well-Known Member

    What isn't there to fear about failure? It's failing at doing what you want and what failing at your true passion. I won't be satisfied if I fail to do something that I'm passionate about. Many people fail so why should I be any different? I will not settle for mediocrity, I must get what I want as far as the truly most important things.

    I don't live in the present because the present sucks and it's boring. My ultimate fear is that this is how it will always be. I'm always either looking towards the future because of the glimmer of hope that things will be better or the past of my years from 0-5 because those are my favorite years and the rest I'd trade in a second because I haven't liked those years. I really just hate life. I don't think it's special or something that great. If I had my choice between not being born and dying I'd rather not be born. To me in the most morbid sense because of my pessimism in life we work as hard as we can to get as much money as we so we can ultimately give it away to several people and to have a nicer suit or dress,coffin and a more expensive funeral. I know most people would rather not think about which is why I think religion exists but I think it is very disturbing that throughout your life you will lose your loved ones to death. The only way to avoid it is to die first and dying is a scary thought. The only benefit to dying is an escape from life if it is truly that bad for you.
     
  16. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Todd,

    From all that I've read here, you don't sound like you're failing at life at all. You are feeling crummy, but you are not failing at life. You express yourself well, think clearly, feel deeply, have a career in mind, and seem to be a fine young adult. (Your friends/social circle may not have reached the same level as you yet. Most probably will soon.)

    Could this be a period of change and growth for you, and, as growth always does in humans, it's presenting some uncertainties?

    True, we can't predict - good or bad. However, we always have the option to change our mind along the way. :smile: Of course that might present some sort of hardship or new struggles, but life isn't always easy. When we want things passionately, it's amazing the challenges we can overcome.

    I also read that you feel afraid of failure. Honestly, I think that's human - we all feel like that (at least "from time to time" or even more often). I'm a good person to say this to you as I always have to remind myself, but: If we become so afraid of mistakes (failure) that we don't try, we essentially guarantee our failure. That's just a little food for thought. Keep in mind that mistakes are just "lessons" anyway. We're meant to learn from them.

    For what it's worth, :unsure:, I think you have begun to seek ways to ensure that it isn't always like this for you. You have a lot going for you already, which is a great start for living the kind of life you want.

    Take care,

    A.
     
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