tired of pretending-TRIGGER?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by anotherearthplease27, May 19, 2012.

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  1. anotherearthplease27

    anotherearthplease27 Well-Known Member

    i sat crying and rocking in my bath tub last night when i finally admitted to myself that i am the worlds best pretender.

    when i was young and asked my mother if i could get therapy and she had no reaction(or not one that i can remember)..i pretended like i believed ...yes...i am really not worth the effort

    i pretended like i never cried(i have perfected the art of silent crying when people are around)...my theme song when i was a kid was Don't Cry Out Loud...and sadly i am not making a joke here.

    I pretended like I was the best student growing up instead of reaching out and making friends(i had a few close friends through high school...but always suspected it was more pity than anything real)...even then in jr and high school i pretended i couldnt go out because of school work....ironic and understandable that my pretending was wearing thin and my grades strarted to plummit in high school.

    some how i keep pretending like i dont care or its better for me to disconnect..and do it..disconnect from everyone....so much so that now my world consists of a 2x a month coffee friend(although hes been such a great support) ...maybe 3 calls from family a month (thats it no other calls except from creditors...creditors keep me from being lonely)if i am lucky.

    disconnect from family and friends (hurting) them...i pretend its for the best since they dont have me in their lives

    last night i dreamt my niece took two vases i made and tried to smash them on the ground...i yelled at her and then asked her why she did it..she said because she hated me because i never spend time with her....it took me some time after when i woke up but i realized it wasnt my niece i was yelling at but me.

    i think the worst think i pretended about was that if anything went bad enough that TRIGGERTRIGGER i could always kill myself.
    i have been battling suicidal thoughts (and out of control behavior...not living behavior) ever since...and when that first time rolled around that i couldnt cope with..that i had messed up bad enough(i was out of control with my life and felt a burden to my then boyfriend...he had taken time off work to help fix my car that i so stupidly drove through a puddle....obviously there is alot more to this story...but mainly i didnt want to be a burden to him)....(and we werent right for one another)...so i took around 200 pills...

    ...then the pretending that maybe there was hope...but not acting like it continued

    2 more attempts and one more hospitalization where i swear if i hadnt gone in i would not be here today(not sure if thats a good or bad thing)

    in all this pretending i have become incredibly numb...done many things i regret...left so many jobs i think that is actually my career...leaving...the professional leaver at your service.

    in all this ive had some hope but now i just am not sure i can pretend anymore...i seriously dont want to kill myself but i seriously can find no reason to live...i would (am toying doing the homeless thing...but if i cant even take care of myself now how would i even make it as a homeless person.)

    this last years has been so disappointing and not.....i have had great access to services(free DBT...which if you havent heard of it you may want to ask your dr about) was doing well with therapist....loved my mindless job...then everything went to crap.....my job became not so mindless...i had to inspect...which is a joke...i cant decide what to wear in the morning and trust no one including myself...so lets just say things ended badly...and understand that is an understatement.........since i had no money...couldnt continue therapy....got another job that was mindless but put in a position where i so desperately wanted to work alone i lied about receiving the proper training for the job (wrong i know but i have become so desperate).......ive never been great with people but have tried to compensate with being a good worker...i am very quiet.........................my job is all i have....and at that job they slowed down production and told the bosses it was my fault....then to another temp job where they made fun of me(including bosses) left there but my teary eyed phone message got me another placement at a plce close by......where i was told i was weird (the girl and her harpy friend) yelled it from the bathroom as i was leaving. i stayed...too disheartened by all the moving in one year...tried to 1st keep to myself...messed up then was made fun of all day by a bastard inspector ...but still decided to stay and ride it out(this is easier because i work by myself) and i actually asked community health services for therapy sessions to try to handle situation...........i think i went in not wanting her sympathy....i have let myself become a f up so do not expect or want sympathy...i just want to be able to handle my own loser self and peoples reaction to me. the therapist kept saying that inspector was wrong...confront them....but this is a temp job...confrontation bad. but still i had my mind set to try and handling things and tTHEN i was put with one of the girls that called me weird...i decided hey maybe shes right...ill open up...and we talked for an hour...it was nice...thennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn....a inspector came over and she told them she would rather work by herself instead of having to train me....i was right there. all i could think was bitch bitch bitch bitch.....that was an end to any conversation.. i was so thankful that our machine was down all day and that i could just sweep.

    AND THEN..............................................................

    you would think the higher powers would help you out esp. when you are really trying to better yourself.....but no

    i come in the next day hoping to be back on my own machine...but no..the cordinator said id be with this harpy bitch for the next three days...i feel like the world(whatever gods that be) had just punched me in the face.

    so to say the least i am not there...i am no where...and i do not want to be anywhere but 6 feet under...i so wish i could sleep in a grave ...come out at night to read by candlelight...listen to the wind ...look at the stars....thats all i want.

    understandable my relationship with my family is strained.....mainly as much as they love me they hate me for being a financial burden(i dont blame them) if they ask me how i am they are really asking do you have a job.

    i am fat smelly and lazy and should be shot.................who cares if i a cry all the time.

    i seriously feel like this truly is the end...i just wish it wasnt me who had to end it....................but truly who am i kidding not even God wants me(ie the failed attempt.................or who knows, maybe i did succeed and this is purgatory...many many things are pointing to it)

    and like an idiot i am having a hard time doing the deed............theres really nothing to cling to...what the fuck is wrong with me.........................................................i am two seconds away in becoming raving mad

    i feel like i have messed up so much for so long...am not taking care of myself(ps god broke my arm in a dream to tell me just that...like i didnt know that) and i sooooooooooooooooooooooo dont deserve anything.......not sure there is any gold lining in this pile of shit i have made for myself. the only mad delight i get from my miserable existence is that i actually am succeeding in being good at something...a great pretending loser.

    i sooooooooooo wish i could check myself in someplace for 7 months to learn how to (re)connect and lose weight........so i can use all these great coping skills BEFORE being faced with the challenges that so easily pin me to the floor.

    but that wont happen

    part of me is pissed off at the govt.........................truly...................................if i had attempted murder on someone else i would be put away for years.......................but i try to take my own life....i erroniously thought i saw the light....so they said find a therapist ...heres a partial hospital to go to...see you. WHAT THE FUCK YOU FUCKING BASTARDS...i truly want to sue those uncaring hypocritical FUCKS...........................but then again I want to (at the same time) hug them and hug some of them for fighting so desperately for people with mental health issues.

    so chances are you wont get too many more posts from me...i wish i could say i will be dead...but lets face it i cant do anything right.....i will probably become homeless. so if you see a homeless person licking walls(i want you to recognize me) that will be me.

    in a way its sort of pleasant to be this numb
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 19, 2012
  2. wickedsick

    wickedsick Member

    welcome, and, feel well here... i'm not the best person to welcome someone, but try to share your experiences here, and try to feel safe, the world wasn't good to many people, you're not the only one...
     
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