tired of pretending

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by faithink, Nov 23, 2013.

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  1. faithink

    faithink Member

    its been seven years since my last attempt, the longest span of time yet since i was 10. 7 years of plastic smiling no matter what, 7 years of shutting down when someone did something to use or hurt me, so i paste on another smile so they don't know how bad they hurt me. im like a leave it to beaver zombie, anything of real substance inside me, anything real at all, stays buried, locked away, buried again, locked in a vault, surrounded by tripwire, and finally covered by my plastic smile so that no one will ever suspect its there.
    SERIOUSLY??????? the people in my life watch me take one hit after another over the years, while i laugh it off and say " its ok, tomorrow is another day tee hee " and they don't think anything is wrong with that? are they ok with that as long as they don't have to stop what they're doing to be there for me, or ask if im ok?

    unfortunately i have too keep up the act, because when i use to be myself and actually tell someone in my life something was wrong, they'd quickly turn on me. sometimes in ways that had often ruined my life.

    sometimes ill wish that there was someone i can be myself around, but there isn't

    i have to be what everyone wants me to be,
    so they don't know how much i really hate myself
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You can be yourself here ok hun no one will hate you here hugs
  3. faithink

    faithink Member

    thank you,
    that's why i joined.
    its hard to connect to new people when you don't know how they are going to react, especially when they cant relate. as for the people i have already known, like my family, i have to always make sure they think im ok no matter what. its hard, because when i am having difficulties, i cant go to anyone, the last time i told a family member that i was feeling suicidal, they called the police and treated me like i was scum. i tried to make them understand that feeling suicidal, and planning suicide are different, and that most of the time i am trying to fight it and need help, but i learned since, not to go to them again. and have been fighting it on my own. Avoiding triggers, keeping my life as stress and drama free as possible, and not going into situations that i know will set it off. but most of the time this also includes acting like im a normal person, or also acting like a super positive person. it get tiring.
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi. Glad you are here. So many of us have to put on the false face in public. But here we get to be who we are. We get to say what we really feel. And no one will think less of us. Its a safe and great place..... to be oneself. No mask. No faking a smile. No pretending. You can just say what you need to say, within the guidelines, which I think are totally reasonable. Great that you joined.
  5. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    In this forum, I process the nitty gritty. I know nothing will shock anyone nor scare anyone to the point where they would call EMS for me. I have disclosed very touchy subjects and always get a kind response by someone who understands where I'm coming from. No threats, just the truth comes out. This site has worked for me and hope it will work for you and everyone seeking positive attention.
  6. Hannahp

    Hannahp Member

    I just signed up a few days ago not really sure of what I would find. To my surprise it is so refreshing to be completely honest and not here someone say smile tomorrow is another day. But I am not sure of what I will do tomorrow.
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