Tired of shutting things in

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by SkullDragon, May 16, 2014.

  1. SkullDragon

    SkullDragon Member

    Just a warning, this is going to be long. This is my vent/rant/thing about everything that have had an negative impact on me and I've hidden from people.
    I write this mainly for myself, these are the things I have never told anyone, and while I am content in life in general, they still pull me down and makes my bad days really really bad.

    So, hmm, I'll think I'll just start at the beginning and go from there.

    One of my first memories was lying in bed hearing my parent fight - loudly, wishing they would just move apart already, which they luckily did. So I lived every second week with one of them.
    My dad turned to alcohol and yelling, I was always terrified of him, hated him, everything had to be quiet and clean, sure every kid should learn to do chores. But doing everything in the house, when 6, or be yelled at for an hour was not the best thing for me. about the same age I walked past my old kindergarten on my way home from school, just in time to witness a hit and run, where a man on purpose killed his ex and stole the kid next to her, I never mentioned it to my parents.

    Time passed, my dad kept yelling for minute things, and being with my mom was amazing, she got a dog and we had rabbits, I loved those animals and things where awesome. Rabbit passed from old age, and the dog got cancer, but I was never sad for them, they had had a good life. When I was 11 my mom found another man, which turned to shit being talked about him by my dad, and things between my parents got worse, they no longer talked to each other which turned me into the message carrier, telling me things I really shouldn't know. My mom and her boyfriend decided to move away pretty far, and gave me the option to move away with them - as well as promising a horse at the new place. offcourse I moved with them (being an animal loving 11yo girl :p).

    Things turned bad, the boyfriend was jealous, and manipulative, always making rude comments on how I looked or behaved, I also lost any time with my mother, we no longer had any time together, I sat alone in my bedroom most of the time. We had a horse, goats and dogs, so when not in my room I played with them, the horse was amazing. He refused contact with anyone, but would come right up to me, he trusted me and often escaped his stable to come and stay with my window, they decided however he costed to much and sold him. I didn't know until the new owners came to pick him up. After this I was a lot alone with my mom's boyfriend, he would start harassing me, come into my bedroom at night, and one night when my mom had to work an overnight shift, I was raped. I was then 12 but didn't tell anyone. A few weeks after that, my mom said that my room was too messy and causing stress to her boyfriend (he didn't have anything to do in there... realize that woman!), and that it was best if I didn't live with them any more. Which led to me having to ask my dad if I could move back with him. He was as bad as always, actually, I was so afraid of him I did consider killing him, but I knew that I was far to weak to actually be able to it, and I didn't want him to survive and know the full extent of how much I hated him - it was still a thought that kept grinding in the back of my head. Things got better with my mom, I would simply ignore her boyfriend and feign ignorance when he made suggestive "jokes". He did still call to harass me from time to time though i.e "you are growing fat, are you sure you aren't pregnant" things.

    I managed to get used to my dad, it was still bad, but I managed to turn it into a running joke in my head, where just looking at how stupid he looked when being angry for something minute. This made me perfect the poker face, laughing at the inside while pretending to be serious and listening, or pretending to be happy or sad, depending on the situation. When I was 14 he bought me a dog, a gorgeous little puppy, and she was mine - nobody could sell her. (in the meantime my mom and her bf had killed of all the goats and the dog had passed from old age). I cared for that dog with all I had, she was a handfull, and my father insisting in knowing best - despite never having had any animals before, made here less than a perfect dog. But she was sweet, calm and happy - despite the separation anxiety and food avoidance she got while growing up. Things where stable. It was about this time my depressions first hit, when I was 15-16 and onwards. All the secrets I didn't want to tell anyone, it had already been a couple years from the thing with my step-dad (yeah.. they got married without telling me), and I felt my mom was happy, so I didn't want to ruin her image of him either, she deserved someone nice after my dad. I was depressed and pretty suicidal for a couple years, the things that kept me alive was a mix of fear of pain and failing at suicide, but mostly it was my wonderful dog. She would hit depression if I left, and refused to move, go on walks or eat when I was not at home. When I went away for a week with a school thing she didn't eat, the only thing she swallowed was what my dad would put in her mouth by handfeeding. (he was getting a little better, and I'll admit, he loved that dog just as much as I did). at 19 I met my boyfriend, and a year later we moved together. me, him and the dog - things where amazing. Now I'm 23, still living with my boyfriend, my dad have managed to lay off the alcohol, and I actually enjoy being around him now. My stepdad stopped the harassment when i was around 16 I think, maybe he was getting tired of being ignored, or maybe I grew to old for him. I can have normal conversations with him now, I still don't want to be alone with him though. Back in January my dog died of old age, she was a big breed (Leonberger), so 8 years was a good age for her. I was sad, but at the same time I had already accepted it - now I only have happy memories of her, and some times I'm so lucky i get to have lucid dreams with her. We take walks, I just brush her, or sit with her next to me, those a really good dreams.

    I guess, that was it, all the things I have never told anyone, the things nagging in the back of my mind. Thanks for reading if you did, it helps knowing I'm not alone with my thoughts.
  2. ValentineBabe

    ValentineBabe Active Member

    Hi skulldragon welcome to sf glad you too find it comforting to write your thoughts and feelings here where there's no judgment only caring and concerned friends. I am sorry to hear of all that you've been through I understand where you're coming from I would encourage you to consider sharing some of these things with your boyfriend. It truly makes a difference, for both of you. He will have a better understanding.
    Well, know there are many of us here so always feel free to reach out -- I do :)