Tired of the noise....tired of the misery

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by reggie123, Jul 31, 2011.

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  1. reggie123

    reggie123 Member

    A year and two months ago I had a hearing loss in both ears and my head filled with a horrid symphony of noise known as tinnitus. It has tormented me everyday. I've been to a highly specialized clinic that helps one to habituate, or "get used to it", but they said that I had a sort that they could not treat.

    I've tried everything no no avail. I heard these low-pitched, hums, grunts, growls in my head every waking moment.

    I just turned forty. I had a birthday party at a bar....but virtually nobody came to see me. Even before the tinnitus started in May 2010, my life had been one of constant misery. I have depression, OCD and ADD. I have a job, but not really a career. I have no brothers and sisters. My Dad died fifteen years ago. My Mom is really the only close family I have.

    I've been cheated out of hundreds of thousands of dollars by an evil family member who has unlimited resources to hire an army of attorneys to make sure I stay cheated.

    I made a stupid mistake and got a DUI. (Yes, this was my own fault). I was out with a friend and actually was having a halfway good-time, and then I drove home instead of taking a cab. Drinking alcohol is the only way I've found to numb the pain caused by the noise in my head. I usually get drunk at home but I managed to get a hold of a friend on the phone and went out to the bar. I'll have to sell virtually everything I own to pay for an attorney. My car insurance will skyrocket, and there will be other penalties to pay for years to come. I know I have it coming to me.

    I was shy and depressed when I was a child. I was very withdrawn and couldn't relate to other kids. I was made fun of relentlessly. My parents broke up when I was ten and I was subjected to a terrible custody battle.

    When I was fifteen I noticed when I sat in a church pew I would tilt slightly to the left. The kids at my highschool noticed my right shoulder blade stuck out and of course picked on me because of it. I lived with my Grandmother at the time and told her I thought something was wrong. She told me there was nothing wrong, and she wouldn't be taking me to a doctor.

    Eventually I was diagnosed with severe scoliosis. For males it is EXTREMELY rare, but wouldn't you know it.....I got it. When I bent over I had a huge hump on the right side of my back. It was a very scary thing to look at and basically destroyed any self-confidence I had with members of the opposite sex. That is the self-confidence that had not already been destroyed by the personality disorders I suffer with.

    I had corective surgery in 1996, and it was a failure. The curve for the most part remained and I was in worse pain than before, except now most of my spine was fused together.

    In 2005 I had revision surgery, and it was a success. Performed by a wonderful surgeon who sadly passed away two years ago. I thought at that point that there might be some hope for me after all.

    Another problem I have is gynecomastia. It's embarrassing for a guy to have, and another thing I was teased about and destroyed my self-confidence with women. I had a windfall in late 2008 and was finally able to have surgery to correct it in 2009. Now things for the first time seemed genuinely hopeful. In early 2010 I met a beautiful girl who I hit it off with great. But for whatever reason, it didn't work out. Maybe I tried too hard. Maybe I seemed too over-excited and desperate. I was to go out with her and got sick just beforehand and couldn't go. I asked her out again and she had a prior commitment. Then I was going to ask her out once more and for whatever reason she made it clear she had lost interest in me. That was in early May 2010.

    From then until the end of May I went into a deep depression. I remember asking myself over and over "Am I always going to be miserable". Will I never have anyone special. Every single time in my life I thought I might have a relationship with a girl fate seemed to step-in and throw a monkeywrench into it.

    Which brings me to Memorial Day weekend 2010, when my hearing started fluctuating in both ears and the noise hit me like a freight train. Virtually all peace and pleasure since then has been gone. I feel like a piece of meat that keeps on living for no reason at all. I have to throw myself out of bed to go to work everday. Sometimes when I get home I will eat something and go straight to bed.

    So today, as with virtually everyday since the tinnitus began, I ask myself just how long I intend to continue like this. I'm broke. I have no girlfriend. I've never been married. I have no children. I can barely see a point to living another day. I love my Mother and she loves me. I know it will hurt her if I decide to end my own life. But I simply can't take anymore.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i know the noise is horrible hun but you have to hold on for your mother okay They may come up with new treatments for ringing in ones ear my husband suffers with it as well he plays music continuously to drown out the noise You have someone that cares for you and needs you hun please if your depression is getting worse get it looked after okay get on meds for that as well hugs to you
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