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tired of this hell

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LostMyMind, Sep 22, 2007.

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  1. LostMyMind

    LostMyMind Well-Known Member

    I'm in HELL. Mental Hell, no one deserves a life like mine, no one! Voices in my head all day and night scream away my sanity. I wish I was anyone but me ANYONE but me. I need to find a way out of this. I can't live a life like this. Someone help me! Put me out of this God damn misery! For fucks sake shoot me before I eat someones brains!

    I've been thinking about killing someone lately just to get the death sentence. Isn't that fucked up?
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you are struggling so much right now. Is there anyone you can talk with about the voices? I know it can be difficult and overwhelming, not to mention frustrating and confusing having them play out your mind. Are there times they are better than others. Do you knw if something triggers them? I hope you are able to get help in dealing with this and find a way for them to go away. Please stay safe. :hug:
  3. LostMyMind

    LostMyMind Well-Known Member

    No one cares to hear about them other than my therapist and to be honest talking to a therapist about them hasn't helped in the least bit. It won't ever stop them and medication doesn't do much good either. Sometimes they're perverted and/or violent, but most of the time just horribly down talking me (how fat, disgusting, worthless I am and what a disgrace I am etc.) Some days they are not too bad, others they are horrendous (like today). I don't know what causes them but pretty much every day they are there tormenting me.

    I have tried to learn to live with them over the past year but it's just really all too much to take. I'm seriously thinking about buying some beer and walking to the train tracks tonight. Sit there and get nice and drunk and wait for a train. Perhaps I should write a note for the conductor so he/she knows not to feel bad. I feel relieved just picturing myself without a head, no more voices, no more headaches over this pathetic excuse of a life I lead.
  4. please i beg you, do not give credence to these thoughts

    get help soon :hug:

  5. LostMyMind

    LostMyMind Well-Known Member

    Well, I am still here today. I went to bed super early last night about 8pm and slept until 11:30am. I was going to walk to the store at 8:30pm. The kitties helped calm my nerves a bit, they slept next to me.

    Does anyone else have a problem with voices? How do you cope? They drive me completely insane. I've been going over the same plan in my head for a few days now, I don't know how much longer until I actually carry it out.
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    i am glad you were able to sleep last night. You needed the feeling of relief. Please don't give up. I wish i could tell you how to push back the voices, but I can't. :hug:
  7. Nessarose

    Nessarose Well-Known Member

    Sorry to bump this, but I saw that you are schizophrenic and I am as well. I really only hear one voice, sometimes two but the other one is nice, the problem I have is with the malicious one. It claims to be God and torments me to the point where I think I am possessed. I've spoken with some ministers and they don't seem to think I'm possessed; they tell me to take my medication and stick with therapy.

    To be honest, I'm still looking for ways to cope. I'm something of a religious fanatic, so my mom has told me not to read the Bible until I am better (if ever), and even not to pray if it makes me insane. I supposedly take all these verses out of context and twist them. Anyway, sometimes I am angry with God truth be told, but He has given me peace so many times, when I am at my absolute worst and just want to kill myself more than anything. It helps when I talk to my mom, and the people on these forums, too. I don't really trust pastors and I feel awkward whenever I talk to my other family members or friends.

    It is such a relief to talk about this here. It's very therapeutic and yet distracting for my mind.

    Edit: My kitten helps me, too. I love her.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 17, 2007
  8. LostMyMind

    LostMyMind Well-Known Member

    I thought the same thing for awhile.. that I was demon possessed as well as a huge list of other delusional thoughts. I no longer believe in demon's and in my experience the bible was much more of a headache than help. It is good that you are staying away from it.

    One of the voices I have also claims that he is God and is the judge of me. He has been fucking with my sanity for over a year now.
  9. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    I hate voices.
    It could be the act of a multi-personality disorder.
    As if one voice contradicts with the other.
    Always speaking. Never shutting up.Wanting a Creation of a vulgar reality.

    I have no clue if I have it. I cant see a therapist, counsler, psychiatrist...whatever. No. I wont. It wont work.
    Have you seen one?
    I know it wont work for me, but everyone is different.
  10. LostMyMind

    LostMyMind Well-Known Member

    I have been to the therapist on many occasions. It hasn't helped in the least bit. It almost feels like multiple personality disorder sometimes, but only inside my head. I act fairly normal on the outside but my mind is a hell hole. These voices have convinced me that I am a bunch of things that I'm really not.
  11. Aaron

    Aaron Well-Known Member

    I hear voices when i'm having an episode.....much similar to those you talk about,very powerfull,i have to bear them until the episode is over at which time they become more distant(but always there)the trouble with telling the psychologist in the uk is that they will commit you to the local mental health ward for a period until they(the voices)pass or become less intrusive and the local mental health ward is not a nice place to be.
    There have been times over this past year when i've felt that the voices are too strong for me deal with and i've felt on the edge of sanity,but i'm still here,don't know how but i am...no medication has helped in the slightest except for making me gain weight.
  12. Nessarose

    Nessarose Well-Known Member

    It's terrifying, isn't it? It is for me at least. I'm really medicated right now and sleepy (last week I hadn't been taking my meds much), so I'm not having that trouble right now. Thank goodness. Sometimes the meds don't help, but it's wonderful when they do.
  13. Nessarose

    Nessarose Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear that. :(

    Are you on Zyprexa? I used to be underweight, and I gained fifty pounds on Zyprexa over seven months. I was pissed. I'm on Abilify now, gradually losing weight, and Abilify also gets rid of the voices much better and often than the Zyprexa ever did for me.
  14. LostMyMind

    LostMyMind Well-Known Member

    I was put into the mental ward for a little under a week. It was a terrible experience, I never want to go back again. I can't tell my therapist that I am suicidal without having threats of being locked up. Really stinks.

    I know very well what you mean by being on the edge of sanity. I have also gained weight on my medication, they make my stomach almost always feel empty. I find it harder and harder these days to remain alive.

    Yes, extremely terrifying at times. I'm on Risperdal, Lamictal and Artane. They do seem to help but they make me feel kind of groggy and less aware. I don't drive and don't know if I ever will be able to while medicated. :sad:
  15. Aaron

    Aaron Well-Known Member

    Yes Nessarose i'm on zyprexa,mirtazipine and the sleeper zopilclone,i've been trying to get them changed as i don't feel they are working for me but my doctors are reluctant to do so,i'm at an impasse as far as medication goes and i'm worried.....after an episode i used to be able to get back to a degree of rationality/functionality,these last few attacks have left me feeling different each time,detached and cold....they seem to have gone to another level of severity and penetration.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 19, 2007
  16. Nessarose

    Nessarose Well-Known Member

    :( I'm sorry to hear that. I can't drive yet, either, mostly out of fear. It's good that they do help, but I'm sorry they make you feel not like yourself. :hug:

    :hug: I know how hard that can be. It took months before my psychiatrist would consider switching me off Zyprexa.

    Have you told your doctors that the attacks have left you this way lately? Hopefully that will tell them that they need to do something else for you.

    Schizophrenia attacks are a mess. It's nearly impossible to discern what is reality and what isn't in that state. I hope yours decrease greatly in severity, and I am sorry they have become so bad. Stay safe. :hug:
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