Tired of this horrible life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by based, May 12, 2011.

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  1. based

    based New Member

    Hi there im just gonna vent here and there sorry if this drags on umm basically im so tired of trying to live normal and constantly reminded everyday that that is just simply not possible. im ugly. im always gonna be ugly theres nothing i can do about it. ok fine. IVE ACCEPTED IT. But y cant i live my life? arent i a person aswell? y cant i go places without being stared at? pointed at? laughed at? hearing people say eww. seeing people become afraid i dont even say anything i just try to live my life but i cant. Sick of seeing everybody else that looks normal and can go out there and socialize have girlfriends etc and i cant do anything like that but stay in solitary confinement all day...


    i dropped out of high school which was awful i was called ugly there everyday so i mainly stayed in in school detention so i wouldnt have to go throught he pain of having to be called ugly and looked at funny all the time. got me an apartment to get away from my abusive family. my brother is a schizophrenic and an alcoholic and he constantly just acts crazy all day and my mom doesnt do anything about i i think because she is afraid of him. i always try to tell my mom my problems but she was never interested in them all only thing she cares about is herself and whatever man she had at the house. she got a bunch of bills in my name and didnt pay them and ran my credit down into the ground. i was just a little kid


    anyway i had asthma really bad as a kid and ended up getting ssi benefits thats how i got my apartment btw. after sitting in my apartment for about 6 months i wanted to change my life so i went to adult ed center and succesfully got my ged. i even got enrolled into a 500 hour job program. i liked it at first but i found that soon i was being discriminated and talked babout behind my back for my looks and skin color. i managed to complete about 400 hours of the program but i went through hell. but hey no sweat right? i wasnt gonna be there forever right? heh well december came around and i decided that i wanted to go back to school to try and become a nurse due to me taking a liking to it from working my 500 hour program. well i succesfully got financial aid and all that crap and got accepted at a 4 year university. i was so happy! for once in my miserable sad life i felt that o could go thru and change my life. MAYBE just maybe i could become normal like everyone else.. WRONG i moved in and could already tell something was funny when i first went to get my room key and all that they couldnt even look me straight in the face when talking to me. you people have no IDEA how annoying that is. due to my uglyness i guess. well everyone over there looked so nice but i didnt let it get to me. i got to my room met my mate he was pretty nice. found out later he was an extreme druggy and he would often come in the room high and on drugs. eventually i started hanginmg out with him. wow to have a "friend" in this world. yea right



    i ran into some people from my old hs a girl who was an obvious slut who said she liked me. i said sure whatever anyways i would soon experience my first sexual encounter with her. well when we tried to have sex my penis would not get hard. no matter what we did i even looked at porn and still couldnt get an erection. i ran out into the woods and just balled i finally thought that maybe i could get laid but no i guess im gay? even tho i dont feel any attraction to guys but i do find it easier to talk to them. anyway i tryed to continue thru school but i couldn't get my grades together and when midterms came around i was flunking all f's. i was severely depressed and crying and just decided school wasn't for me. eating everyday by myself a social ugly dumb black outcast. so i walked in the pouring rain one day and got all the signatures i needed and withdrew from school. i went home and i didn't tell anybody but my mom found out and guess what she said? i knew you weren't going to finish school... thats it. didn't give a damn about me at all.



    but even after all that i stood strong ive been in here depressed and mad everyday in my apt at myself because i was convinced i had let my head get to me and made me withdraw and f up in school. well i decided i would give everything one last shot... one last damn chance to try and get myself together so i decided i would use these three or 4 months to get mi body in shape and my head together and go back when the next semester and just hit it hard. GO over there get my degree and get myself together. well i started going to the gym getting in shape etc, and i had a new found confidence in myself i didn't feel ugly anymore.. for once in my life since i was a young one. well i got a letter in the mail from the school i withdrew from saying that i owed 5600 dollars and that i couldn't go to any school until that amount was paid in full. yep... all that working out trying to get myself together for nothing. thats it the final straw... every time i try to get back up on my feeet i always get knocked right back down.. there i have told you guys a little of what ive been thru theres way more stuff than that, that has happened to me but i dont fee,l like typing it. there is no god. im sure of it. y would god put me through such hell when ive never done anything wrong to anybody? and dont give me that hes testing u crap because thats what it is CRAP. i always try to tell myself "but chuck... you have it so much better than other people and u should be thankful" but thats bullcrap im in hell EVERYDAY. NOTHING CAN BE WORSE THAN HAVING TO LIVE LIKE THIS EVERYDAY.. I feel like this will be my last day here. I see that i will never get anywhere. I WILL never be able to do anything no matter how hard i try no matter how much i want it. its just gonna be the same old same old until i die.. guys whats the most painless quickest way to leave this horrible place? i cant take it anymore im weak im sorry
     
  2. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I appreciate you spilling out your life story. I, too, suffered from horrible asthma attacks as a kid. I believe these attacks have affected my posture and attitude towards life. Even though I'm on much better medication, I tend to withdraw and keep to myself. In the social department, I have yet to have a normal relationship with a woman. I've had some sexual experiences and they weren't that great. It seems I'm destined to live only in my mind where the sex and success are the sweetest.

    :blink:
     
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    People are cruel..I was always made fun of because I was so tall.. People in school use to try and get me in fights all the time.. I'm a pacifist and wouldn't fight so they would all call me a woos.. I learned to stay by myself..Now that I am older I isolate in my bedroom..I just can't be around people..So I feel for you.. You will find that the peeps here on the forum are friendly and won't judge you..Welcome to the forum...
     
  4. starryeyed

    starryeyed Well-Known Member

    I know EXACTLY how you feel.firstly I think you should know you arw nor ugly at all.
    I would try find out how to get back to school and pay the bills.
    It sounds wrong about thatbtw.
    I think getting your degree will help you.you would make a great nurse cos you know pain.pm me anytime
     
  5. chipper

    chipper Well-Known Member

    i will not pretend to know how you feel. only you know that. but there is one thing i know for sure.

    feeling sorry for yourself will not make things better. it's your life and no one else has the power over it but you. they didn't make you feel that way, you allowed yourself to feel that way.

    being ugly is bad, i know because i am ugly too. but there are people out there with no hands and no feet and are making something of themselves.

    you're in one piece now which means you are stronger than what you give yourself credit for. you haven't hurt anyone which means you are more compassionate than what you give yourself credit for. you are independent which means you are smarter and wiser than what you give yourself credit for.

    if you throw it all away and spend your everyday sulking, you are telling everyone who has put you down that they were right all along.
     
  6. starryeyed

    starryeyed Well-Known Member

    Why is everyone here on bout being ugly ? Ugly comes from inside.
     
  7. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    starryeyed - you are right - but based is suffering from depression as seen with his insinuation that he'd like advice on how to kill himself.

    Hey Based, I feel your pain and don't think your just feeling sorry for yourself - depression makes us put ourselves down - we are our own WORSE critics.

    As for being ugly - you might not have conventional good looks is what you are saying. Nor do I as seen by the lack of apparent interest from the opposite sex. But I'm depressed, so my perception of myself will just make me steer clear at those times. It's my confidence that gets me women - not my looks. But one thing you can change is your body - and women like a man who at least takes care of himself. I'm not talking being 'six pack Joe' - just fit and healthy.

    As for you doubting your sexuality - just on the strength of not getting it up - try and bear in mind sex needs a connection with someone. That's why its called 'making love' sometimes. If you feel like your not connected to a girl - its easy for you to not feel aroused.

    Also, if this girl is a 'slut' what does that make you? As a black man you ought to never use language like that as its demeaning. Also, you never hear that a boy is a 'slut' - he is the hero and she not. Seems like you ought to just ease up on that. Especially given that this girl would be the subject of abuse if you chose to use that language referring to her that way.

    Ticking off over!

    As for getting on easier with boys - many men always get on easier with men. I get on 'easier' with men because I am a man. Men have a bond - like women have one. All that sisterhood stuff, well, men are brothers also. At least if we saw each other that way things would be a lot easier.

    Most men only get along with one woman in the true sense. That's why we marry them or it should be the reason. This women would be your best friend, but friendship with other men continues regardless.

    If you are gay, you would know by now I'm sure. If you view porn, then that would surely be a clue as the porn you view would be either heterosexual or something else. Either way bro - it matters about as much as what hobby you have.

    Prejudice exists for sure - but a lot less than it used to do. I'd not worry if anyone I knew was that way - and some are that way, but I keep things platonic because when I feel good in myself, its women who I'd be drawn towards - like a ship to a mermaids song no doubt, crashing on the rocks in the hope of seeing beauty.

    Sex is a tiny percentage of the time we spend on this Earth. We are indoctrinated in many ways to worship it regardless of any true connection to someone.

    As for being black, don't take any notice of the fixation on racism - read too much and you'll think every white man has his white robe back home and we all meet up and burn crosses. It is bullshit. There are good people and bad people in all races - and you sound like a good person, who is an intelligent chap although your a bit angry and confused also.

    That is depression for you - drags you down to a place in which you are your own worse enemy.

    It cuts you off from people who care about you out there. I know that black man especially are prone to this as the culture in the community for poor black people is one in which you like many white working class men, see depression and mental illness as a weakness.

    If you had a heart condition - you would be almost proud of it - because you can TELL people about it. Nobody wants to tell people that they are staying in because of depression.

    Forget this talk of weakness - if anything we are strong carrying a weight which would CRUSH anyone if left untreated.

    We are not weak - depression gives you strengths which you'd never have. Surviving this sh** is a great thing. One day, others will look at you and see that strength because your going to stick around and get some confidence.

    First you got to get some help. See some student counsellor, but a doctor is a must. Why carry this when its a known fact that treatment at an early stage has a great chance of success.

    I know ugly guys who have great success with women. OK, apart from high ranking drug dealers in expensive cars - you have decent ugly guys, who have made some success of themselves. Rock stars, ugly as sin, are surrounded by woman. But ordinary men, working, with some education, gain a confidence over the years and trust me - that confidence is what makes men attractive to women and the sort of guy who is everyone's friend. You need kindness also if you want to be nice. But take no sh** either - if anyone calls you to your face - you got the law. In work, you won't have that kind of nonsense.

    As for the home life - you can break that cycle and be someone in the family who breaks away from that whole road to nowhere lifestyle in which abusive relationships define a family. Addiction also is a blight in my place. Matters little if your black or white - our enemy is not each other, often as not its us who are our own worse enemy.

    Face up to that - get some help, forget that misplaced pride and the stupid people who think depression is a weakness. Ignorance is their strength but for you and me ignorance is not what we want, right?

    Good luck, go easy on yourself, get some therapy and maybe meds just to get your mind in a place in which you can start to change your life.

    God bless and good luck from England.
     
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