tired of this

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by uncle buck, May 27, 2012.

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  1. uncle buck

    uncle buck Member

    I am tired of feeling like this. I am tired of punishing myself. I am tired of not seeing the light. I am tired of harming myself, and tired of wanting this to be over. Who says its not normal to hate living and wanting it to end? Thats all I have ever known.
  2. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    Damn, I know what you mean. I don't mind suffering as long as I know that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. But when you can't see the light, it's hard to keep trying. It is normal to feel that way when things are bad enough, especially when they stay bad and don't get any better. I came here because I was tired of wandering alone in the darkness. But I'm trying to find the light, even if a big part of me believes it doesn't exist... I'm hoping that someone here can help me find and get to the light. Maybe I can even help others find their own lights while I'm here. This life is hard enough as it is, even harder when you have to go it alone. That's why we're here. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk. I can't promise that I'll know how to help, but I can promise to listen and I can promise that I won't judge you.
  3. yep

    yep Well-Known Member

    Hi uncle buck
    Light is a good thing as it allows us to see beyond darkness and find our way.. People in this site are like small lights of hope together and we all contribute to make a big light for all to see, as we share and feel cared by each other we feel we are not alone anymore . Let that light be yours too..
  4. uncle buck

    uncle buck Member

    thanks for the kind words. I was sure all this was behind me and now I find myself bumbling along again and I just don't feel confident that if I go back to therapy that the doc won't lock me up. Hopefully this community provides some clarity as the old tried and true methods just arent an option right now.

    Like a 12 stepper, i am just working on today. Lets hope the sun stays up :)
  5. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Forgetting about medications and doctors for the moment... What steps are you taking to create self-wellness? What I mean is, what are your plans and goals and how are you working toward reaching them? Do you work and have employment? Do you get out and visit with family and/or with friends? What about hobbies and interests? Do you collect anything, or enjoy movies, like to read, or go for walks/hike/exercise? I'm not saying you should do these things, I'm just suggesting that whatever it is that you like to do is generally a part of the self-wellness program one has for themselves. Are you married? Kids? Siblings you hang out with? Do you belong to any peer support groups? This site is a nice and definitely an anonymous place to discuss topics, so hopefully this will be a part of yourself program. What else are you trying? What things that you try do you find have more success?
  6. uncle buck

    uncle buck Member

    All valid questions/points. I work a full time job, and in my field its considered a good one. I am married with three children; two adults, one of whom lives at home, and a preteen. I am an outdoorsman. I work out five times a week. From all outward appearances I have a fantastic life, and I am certainly appreciative of it. Thats me number 1. Me number 2 is a self loathing, angry, abusive (both self and others, but never physically and never my children. Sadly my wife does take more verbal than she should) I have a laundry list of conditions that seriously limit my level of functioning and years of living a double life are beginning to take their toll.

    I can't keep hiding who I am, too many bruises and too many unexplained absences. The kids are starting to comment that something is wrong and I can't fix it. Sadly, I can't afford to get help; when I tell them whats inside I will be forced, I am sure, to enjoy a hospital stay, and my budget and my dignity couldn't take that hit. So I live off phone lines and hopefully, now here.
  7. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Hi Uncle Buck. Thanks for the info, it really helps better understand. I feel for ya, man. It's tough and you seem to have everything in place that should make life worthwhile, but I understand what you are saying about you number 2. I wish there was an easy fix for that. While we, as family members, don't always know how to let one another know how much we care... I am sure your family cares about your well being very much. I'm sure you know that though so you don't need me to say that. That said, however, I am sure they will support you through this. You probably do need to reach out a little further and I understand about the costs - doctors, hospitals, etc. Have you looked into state services (not sure if you're in the U.S. or not)? Many MHMR's funded by the tax dollar will work within a sliding scale - or at no cost even. What about through work? Do they have insurance that might cover some assistance? You know they are not allowed to discuss your treatment with your employer, etc., so don't fear that. I understand the dignity part - that's a tough call you have to make. Maybe you don't want to and that is okay... but you can see a doctor and just be careful not to do it in a way that might make them force you (they can only do that if you are a true threat to yourself or someone else - just saying you sometimes have suicidal thoughts is NOT enough in most cases to have your rights taken from you). I think it sounds like you have a level head and I am sure you will work things out. Just make a plan and pursue it. Use this site and friends for moral support if you need to. Remember that we must always be strong for those we love - especially for those pieces of ourselves (our children).
    Uncle Buck was a fun movie, by the way! :)
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