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tired of trying, i have nothing left.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by tiredtired, Mar 16, 2013.

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  1. tiredtired

    tiredtired New Member

    hi. i am new to this forum. i came here after an exhaustive search for online suicide prevention chat rooms, none of which were active at night. i don't know about the rest of you, but i find that to be less than helpful.
    here's the long and short of it. i want to kill myself. i have spent a very long time looking up the best ways to do it. i have decided that jumping off a very, very high bridge is the way i want to go. i know which bridge, but i do not have the money to spend on a train ticket to get there, as it is out of state. i don't want anyone getting all uppity at this "plan" of mine.

    i am nearly 35, divorced. my ex left me when i became seriously ill. he said that my illness was keeping him from doing what he wanted in life. the relationship was failing, anyway. he hadn't touched me since 2009. he left me in 2012. i haven't had sex since 2009. i went back to college and got my BFA in graphic design. however, nobody wants to hire a fresh graduate, so i am stuck. during college and after my divorce, i was so poor i had to move in with my father and brother, the latter of whom is disabled. i lived on a cot in the corner of my father's storage room whilst i worked on my courses. i ate very little, because i couldn't afford it AND rent. i moved to texas at the invitation of my friend and his woman. i wish i hadn't. now i'm scrounging for demeaning, minimum wage jobs, when i should be making at least a liveable amount of money, considering the crushing debt i'm under from my student loans. on top of that, even though his woman was all smiles and sunshine about me coming down here, she has treated me like crap since i arrived. my friend and i are very close, and have talked about everything for over 7 years. she has treated my friend like dirt for far longer than my stay here, but she is now using my presence as an excuse to amp it up.

    my life has never been good. i have suffered mental and physical abuse from my family, classmates, teachers, bosses, and my ex. i have tried my best to keep a smile on my face, tried hard in school, worked even harder at my jobs, but i have no more energy.

    the thought of starting my 7.00/hr job tomorrow morning makes me want to kill myself. i was making 9.25 after 14 years at my last job under my abusive boss, and i thought that surely getting my bachelor's would guarantee me at least enough money to buy food or pay rent or buy my medicine. i can't even afford a car to get to work. i have to walk 2 miles, then work 8 hours. i am still sick, and can barely stand for 2 hours, even though i didn't tell anyone that at my interviews. nobody wants to hire someone who is still recovering.

    i don't do drugs. i am not an alcoholic, though i do indulge in a can or 2 of beer maybe once every 2-3 weeks.

    i am so tired. i can't keep this up. my friend has expressed his dislike of his woman, and the notion that he might want to pursue a relationship with me. we are both scared of this prospect, to be honest. we don't want to lose our friendship. this compounds my problems with his woman and her treatment of those around her. i cannot stand to be in the same room as her, and my friend still plays his part. in other words, they still have regular sex, which i can HEAR. it makes me feel just horrible about myself, when i haven't had any since 2009. to make matters worse, my ex was entirely selfish in bed, so it's like i have never really had sex, at all. my ex had sex on me, but then i was left in the lurch as he fell asleep afterwards. i cannot stand the sound of y friend's woman, especially when i hear her whining in the next room like a cheap porno. i hate that he has to pretend and bed her when he doesn't want to, and this adds to my stress.

    i have very few friends. i have a hard time making them because i don't trust people.

    i go to sleep every night, hoping i'll pass away. every morning i wake up and cry that i didn't. i cry in the bathroom. i cry whenever i'm alone. i hate my life so much, and i'm tired of hearing people say "it'll get better" or "it's always darkest before the dawn." i have tried to believe them, but it's been 35 years, and that's enough.

    i absolutely refuse to take brain meds. the issue isn't brain chemistry. it is the fact that i am so horrifically poor that i cannot afford the basic necessities of life. it is the fact that i am living with these roommates that remind me constantly of how lonely i am. it is the fact that i've been sick for 4 years. it is the fact my husband left me during my darkest hour. it is the fact i went back to school, only to be turned down for every job in my field because they don't want someone fresh out of college. i don't feel fresh. i'm 35. i'm old, i'm tired, and i have nothing left to give.

    i don't want to join a religion or talk to a doctor. i've tried the latter, and the first thing they said was "antidepressants." i don't do drugs. if any of you feel so bold as to offer a solution, perhaps consider hiring me as a freelance graphic designer? i am quite good at creating logos, business cards, and letterheads. i can also do fliers. i dream of creating album covers for musicians. that would certainly put a smile on my face, for once in my life.

    i feel so utterly lost, scared, trapped, and STUCK.
    if things don't get better, soon, i'm going to take a train to that bridge, even if my friend says he doesn't want me to.
    i was depressed enough, before he said he had feelings for me.
    now i feel like i'm being put on the hook.

    work hard. study hard. get ahead. when????
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi there, I am sorry you are in this horrible situation. this is a community of very kind and good people. So I think you have come to the right place. I am sorry you are physically ill. and so sorry that you are so struggling financially. Things sound pretty bad. I hope being here can help some. To have a community of people you can talk with. To know you have a place where you can come to say how you are really feeling. And what is really going on. A place where you can talk about the challenges.

    Being physically ill, with no means for a good income and no partner is so difficult. But please do try to hold on to life. I know these are shallow words. But things can change. I have had to swallow every bit of my pride and live on disability. I have less money than most could ever imagine living on. So I know a bit of what you are saying. But I do always find some kind of shred of hope to hang on to. I guess it is how I manage to survive each day. Anyway, I am glad you found this website. I hope you will find the community helpful !
  3. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    Im sorry you are in a bad situation right now, do you have something in place to help you if crisis arises like you have numbers to call, people to see etc. maybe the brain meds can help you a little bit if that helps.
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