Tired of trying to hang on

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lostgirl38, Jan 25, 2016.

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  1. Lostgirl38

    Lostgirl38 Member

    im so tired of trying to hang on. I try to focus on doing what's right, not hurting the people in my life. That's the only thing that got me through the holidays.. There was a suicide right before Christmas and everyone was so focused on how selfish that person was to not wait...

    I waited! I struggled through day after day.. And I'm tired. Tired of being focused on what everyone needs and what's best for them. I really thought choosing my birthday would be a good day. It's evenly between other's birthdays, after Christmas, but before Valentine's day. I've done all my research and taken care of most of the things I wanted to do.

    Now I'm waiting, just trudging through each hour of each day, so tired and saddened. So focused on ending the pain.

    Sometimes I start to feel guilty, thinking there's more I should do to prepare my family.. I should wait and help DH with the taxes, he always struggles.. But then I think, it will always be something. I can't keep on like this, they don't care the pain I'm in, they only care what I can do for them, why should I keep suffering to ease their way?

    I try to tell them how I feel and it always turns into an attack. I know rationally they must feel guilty and it makes them defensive, but damn... I'm suffering and hurting and tired of going on, I can't justify all this pain just to make them feel ok.. It's just too much. I'm not the same person that carried them all these years, that enabled them, that didn't require them to treat me kindly or be considerate. I own that, but have no idea how to process past it. I feel stuck and trapped. The well is dry and they'd don't see it, won't acknowledge it, just keep demanding more.

    I'm just tired!
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  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hear you i am the same way as you tired so tired of helping everyone knowing i need to refill the oil lamp but don't Please take 10 minutes of your day just shut off phones find a quiet place just for YOU ok and do something that will help you refill that emptiness go for a walk listen to your favorite song just shut out the world for 10 minutes or more if you can and take time for you I KNOW it is not easy i know but leaving it not the answer getting some support in place for YOU is
  3. Lostgirl38

    Lostgirl38 Member

    I appreciate your reply.

    It doesn't seem to matter what I do, I never recharge. I'm sleeping way too much, but never feel emotionally or mentally recharged. I've had so many blood tests and consultations with doctors in the last 4 months and the only thing to come to light is a D deficiency. I truly believe I'm just spent.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you feel so tired and nothing seems to help you but if you have to rest then rest let the others fend for themselves for now ok you rest get some fresh air just take care of you only
  5. Lostgirl38

    Lostgirl38 Member

    I'm tired of waiting.. I keep trying to come up with new reasons to wait, more things that need to be done but I know it's just an inevitable slide downward. I feel like I can't stand one more moment, then I do and the next and the next. It's unbearable just waiting for the right day. The least disruptive day for my family, the most convenient day for everyone else. Then I'm angry that even this can't be about me.

    It seems like there's never anything for me, everything is about someone else's needs, their schedule, their baggage. I can't even seem to claim this one thing for myself. It's so frustrating. I'm stuck in this vicious cycle of pain and resentment.

    I wrote my letters, I went through my jewelry box, all the old pictures, separated the memories and boxed up each one for the kids. The things that were important have been set aside for who should get them.

    I've reached out to old friends and coworkers, made my peace with most, got closure where I could. I'm stuck now waiting for my birthday to pass... Dreading the struggle of the meal and cake.. How to get through that without crying, knowing I'll cry and everyone will be so upset. They expect me to carry the conversation, take care of everything and be responsible for their good time. They are so self absorbed, they only see my pain as an inconvenience.

    I don't know how to get through it, I'm afraid I'll start screaming and never stop. every casually cruel remark about how I'm no fun, every disapproving glance, those snide cutting remarks about how it used to be kill me inside.

    I'm tired : (
  6. Lostgirl38

    Lostgirl38 Member

    I'm tired of trying to make everything ok for other people. I went today and returned the books I've borrowed and saw my only friend. It's been five months since I saw him last, I just needed that closure. It was honestly terrible, our server brought me a free dessert because "she could tell I was having a bad day". I almost laughed, but was gracious as possible. First time I've been to a restaurant in months and couldn't even make it five minutes without crying.

    It was sad to see my friend and say goodbye but at the same time it was liberating, I felt a real sense of peace, that I'm at least closing up all the things in my life. I got that akward hug and pat on the back and assurances that it will all get better... Sigh... At least I did it.

    As I process through each thing, returning items, sorting through my jewelry box, finishing my goodbye notes I feel layers of guilt coming off. I think it's those unresolved things in my life that have been keeping me from ending it.

    The other things just can't be helped, DH will be able to do the taxes himself, DD will figure out how to take care of her dog herself. I'm tired of suffering so they can be taken care of, I'm just over it. No one can be bothered to even be considerate to me, much less supportive, im sick of being a martyred mom.

    I keep thinking about the selfishness of suicide and wonder if I got here by never being selfish, like I saved it all up for one big blowout... My therapist says I'll never improve until I get out of these toxic relationships, but then also said I enable them to treat me poorly because I don't require anything else.. I can't get past the feeling that I shouldn't have to ask for kindness and consideration... Yet if I haven't expected it for the past 20+ years, why think I should have it now.. If they can't be bothered, who am I to impose my needs on people who don't seem to give a damn..
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