im so tired of trying to hang on. I try to focus on doing what's right, not hurting the people in my life. That's the only thing that got me through the holidays.. There was a suicide right before Christmas and everyone was so focused on how selfish that person was to not wait... I waited! I struggled through day after day.. And I'm tired. Tired of being focused on what everyone needs and what's best for them. I really thought choosing my birthday would be a good day. It's evenly between other's birthdays, after Christmas, but before Valentine's day. I've done all my research and taken care of most of the things I wanted to do. Now I'm waiting, just trudging through each hour of each day, so tired and saddened. So focused on ending the pain. Sometimes I start to feel guilty, thinking there's more I should do to prepare my family.. I should wait and help DH with the taxes, he always struggles.. But then I think, it will always be something. I can't keep on like this, they don't care the pain I'm in, they only care what I can do for them, why should I keep suffering to ease their way? I try to tell them how I feel and it always turns into an attack. I know rationally they must feel guilty and it makes them defensive, but damn... I'm suffering and hurting and tired of going on, I can't justify all this pain just to make them feel ok.. It's just too much. I'm not the same person that carried them all these years, that enabled them, that didn't require them to treat me kindly or be considerate. I own that, but have no idea how to process past it. I feel stuck and trapped. The well is dry and they'd don't see it, won't acknowledge it, just keep demanding more. I'm just tired!