Tired of trying

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by unaffected, Aug 16, 2009.

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  1. unaffected

    unaffected Member

    Hi everybody I got so much in my mind that I don’t know where to start
    First excuse all the bad miss spellings I am Portuguese and still make mistakes on certain words.

    Like many people I have had a tough life when I was little my father used to beat me a lot many times then I wanted to die or run away from home.
    Because of those beatings I had to experience a divorce that went on between my mom and dad.

    I then moved to the uk with my mom to get away from all the problems in Portugal but moving here caused other problems since I didn’t speak English correctly I got bullied a lot at school and have always been a loner since then it made me lose a lot of important social skills.

    Unfortunately my mom turned into drink and somehow got into big debt causing us to lose our home.
    Somehow we managed to get a council flat by the skin of our teeth unfortunately it’s a poor horrible area with lots of crime it’s a dangerous area to live in lots of teenagers carry knifes.

    At one point a had a girlfriend but she dumped me and I got very suicidal then ever before and as much as I hate to admit this I had an accident well it wasn’t an accident if you know what I mean.

    Somehow I managed to recover and here I am now upset and feeling suicidal again because I am missing a very important thing from my life and that’s success and money.
    Iam completely broke with no real friends a horrible place to live I have a new girlfriend now but I don’t think she loves me much either and it’s heartbreaking since I been with her for a few years now I am losing everything.
  2. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    hi there .. welcome 2 SF..
    i think success money and a nice place 2 live are normal things 2 want 2 have.. but it doesnt define who u are.. try not 2 let the want 4 these things eat u up inside.. i know its difficult i would love those things aswel - and more! i have a big list ;)
    mabye try 2 improve 1 area of ur life at a time..
    mabye u could start by telling some1 how ur feeling atm.. could u tell ur doctor? they can help with medication and therapy..
    hope u find this site as helpful as i have.. there are some v nice ppl here..
    take care.. :hug:
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    welcome to sf :) :hug:
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to the forum.I am sorry things have not turned out better since moving away from you dad. Does your mom recognize that she has a problem? Do you attend any support groups? Are you old enough to move out on your own and change your situation? Sorry for the numerous questions. I am trying to think what might be the best way for you to feel better about yourself and your life. :hug:
  5. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF.

    :hug: xx
  6. bubblin girl

    bubblin girl Well-Known Member

    welcome 2 sf
    im very much feel what u r feeling since i have so many commons like u...im also not good at English...i lived with beating from father & also my mom..i lived so poor spically when i was child...i was bullied at school cos of that also...and i have no soical skill at all...never get bf & i was dumpt...im lonely have nobody...im now consider the most failure in the world & poor...and now im tired of trying...and i come to here...by the way i didnt once before ;)

    i hope u r okay
    best luck
  7. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Welcome to Sf :)
  8. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forums.
  9. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    Hey you got a GF. I'm still a loner. I'm afraid I'll be 60 and still a virgin and still hating myself for not knowing anyone like that.

    Feel you. I don't know what to tell you. Try not to let the cultural standards get you down too much. Not everyone succeeds and not everyone does well in equal time or ever. Try not to blame yourself too much because that's when thoughts of suicide happen. Then you start to think, "I've failed to get my life in order over the past 10 years, so why would I succeed in the next 10 years? I'll have to contend with getting older too. Maybe I should just end it because all I see is more pain."

    You need some kind of support network - people who'll understand you rather than throwing you on a guilt trip. That's not always easy to find and it's partly why so many people kill themselves - they get desperate and don't know how or what or who to turn to.

    My mother tried to kill herself more than once. She did end up dying anyway from natural causes - she was 39. The thought has only playfully crossed my mind, in an experimental kind of way, but in many ways I understand where you're coming from and I've had my lows in life. My youth was spent getting teased and I spent most of it bottled up inside. It's really not at all easy to explain to others why I didn't want to attract attention because I didn't watn to get teased - yet by trying not to attract attention I set myself apart from others and became an obvious target. Being bullied is something you live with long after you're done with school. It's hard for me to be comfortable around people and it's not easy for me to open my mouth when I am afraid of rejection or something of that nature. Why all this happened? I think I have borderline autism but it has never been diagnosed. I've never tried to get it diagnosed. So I understand how hard it's for you socially to work with people and to get ahead - we live in a very social world where it's difficult to succeed without it.

    I've been thinking about life and death and the transience of everything in our world lately. About how people are young and old and hten they die. How people can die so suddenly - like that soccor player in 2004. Our lives on this planet are vulnerable and short. And now today someone killed themself in my neighborhood because of prolonged chronic pain and not being able to be active like he had just a year or two before. It has led me here to these forums. Seeing hte faces of people who've passed on in a tragic kind of way is very sad. I'd hate to find out you were another one of those faces that is no longer wiht us.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 27, 2009
  10. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the forums. At least you have some support. I have a very small support network too. I don't really talk to my parents. I just idle by, and look for ways to entertain myself, whether it be writing, or reading the forums.

    Try to get a support network. If your GP is up for it, include them. Mostly support networks are for therapists, and such, but beng here ncan be a part of your support network also.
  11. unaffected

    unaffected Member

    Wow thank you all for you suggestions and ideas

    I wouldn’t really talk to a doctor or any member of my family about my depression they just wouldn’t understand and I don’t want them to think I am a loser my dad already said it enough times.
  12. unaffected

    unaffected Member

    Yes my mom does know she’s got a problem but I guess I don’t blame her honestly living here is horrible so I am not surprised she turned to alcohol but luckily she’s not been as bad lately.
    No I don’t attend any support groups because a lot of these seem to be fake people just act like they are listening or care but try and avoid you later unfortunately depressed people aren’t the kind people want to hang out with because your always boring and complaining.
    I am old enough to get my own place and to be honest with you I really wish I could just get my own place I think I would be happier unfortunately I wouldn’t be able to afford it without struggles I guess this is why I get so depressed about not being successful with my dreams on being an online marketer.
    My goal would be to make around £200 per month which would really be life changing I would be able to get a car and that would help with so much around the house.
  13. unaffected

    unaffected Member

    Bubbling girl

    Yea we do seem to have a lot in common I get annoyed that the very few times I got invited out that I didn’t have the social skills required I used to love watching how my ex made it look so easily and effortlessly but I guess she did get away with it also because she was a great looking girl that might of helped unfortunately I think this is why she dumped me not to long ego… well one of the reasons why… I guess her friends never really liked me much because I wasn’t fun like her in this world women value their friends a lot and if you cant fit in it causes problems.

    Being poor and the lack of success is something else that keeps bothered me so much I think I also lost her because of this I was always depressed that I didn’t have the money to treat her right take her out do things normal couples do but I couldn’t because of no money it was extremely frustrating.

    At the time of writing I think I am more depressed about no success or money in my life then getting dumped but god I miss her terribly.
  14. unaffected

    unaffected Member

    Wow Johnny thx for your post I am afraid my girl is no longer with me yes I was very lucky but can you believe I never really noticed how lucky I truly was until now.

    My lack of success I am sure is one of the reasons why she left me.
    After about a year an half being together I began to get very depressed about not being able to treat her or take her out which made me very angry and upset and we all know people don’t like hanging around with depressed sad people so 3 years in total she’s gone.

    I really do try Johnny not to think or let the lack of success get to me but its impossible and even more so that she’s left me what annoys me is unlike other people I take the action needed I try and get where I want to be in life but things just don’t seem to work for me it seems other people manage to get the success they want easier then me I try and I try but I just cant do it.
    It wont come to me why it won’t I just can’t understand.

    I really wish I did have a support network actually I wish I had a coach or something that would guide me to being successful but nobody ever bothers to help unless you give them lots of money.
    My mother nearly also killed her self she had lots to drink and took lots of pills she collapsed on the floor in my room but lucky she was aright at the end scared the hell out of me.

    I know what you mean I get so annoyed thinking about how most of my school life here I got teased I see now that all I had to do was change a few simple things and yes I used to keep quiet hopping nobody would notice me but like you said it just caused more attention to get teased even more.
    I think rejection is maybe a natural thing I think everybody is afraid of rejection it doesn’t matter who you are.
    Unfortunately it’s true the world seems to be very centered about being sociable going out Friday night and getting drunk I see how it can be fun but I can also see it to be very pointless.
    Well if you ever meet an internet marketing coach who is willing to help me without the huge pay check then let me know.

    Its been I few years now I been going after my success I just don’t want to give up just incase It just suddenly works out but it uses up so much of my time many times I didn’t see my girl for this reason but I wish she understood that I was doing it for the both of us.
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