Tired of Wrestling with This...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Shiroi_Hana, Jan 12, 2009.

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  1. Shiroi_Hana

    Shiroi_Hana Well-Known Member

    Hello again everyone. I am not really feeling too peachy at the moment, and I feel like I need to post something before I get into my usual self-harm habit. At this moment, I am feeling completely exhausted with everything. I feel like I've been alive too long and have been too jaded to ever have hope that things will improve. I'm only 22; I know I'm still young and everything, but these last few months, I just can't shake the feeling that I'm just done here. Maybe I should try to explain myself.

    I live at home with my mother and 14-year old brother. I used to have my own apartment, but some things happened with my roommates and I felt I needed to get out for the sake of my own sanity, and there was nowhere else to go. I'm a college dropout; I only completed my freshman year and due to my own stupidity, was never able to go back. I had a job, but I quit it twice because I didn't agree with the way they were treating employees, and haven't looked for another in four months, even though I really need one. I cannot drive; I don't even have a license or a car, and my only form of ID is an expired learner's permit. I've put myself into about $20,000 of debt due to medical bills I can't pay, and I have done absolutely nothing with my life, and I am completely frozen when it comes to taking action because I have no knowledge or means of living on my own. I was incredibly sheltered when I was younger, and I think it's done more harm than good. Most things in life, I've learned the hard way, on my own.

    I'm not very strong emotionally; I never have been. I guess I've inherited that from my mother. My birth father has only seen me once in his life; he left my mother when she was pregnant with me, after trying to kill me by hitting her stomach with a chair. The other guy she married adopted me when I was two, and he's the only dad I really know, but he pretty much ignores me, and all my other siblings, except for the baby, of course. At first, I thought that that was because I was adopted, and not blood, like my brothers were. But when he got remarried and adopted my younger sister, I realized that he's that way towards all of us. The difference between my parents is very strange. With my mother, we can always be honest with her, tell her anything, almost. She's a very understanding person, and very open-minded and supportive. But in my dad's house, it's an unwritten rule that you don't show emotion, good or bad. You don't say "I love you" more than 'necessary', you don't let anyone know you're upset. You keep it inside. Don't get me wrong; I've tried getting through this with my dad. I've tried talking to him and telling him how I feel, and he has this strange way of twisting it into a lecture or bringing up something you've done wrong in the past, and making you feel like you're a horrible person for it.

    The last time I tried to confide in my dad was three years ago. I'd moved in with him after having a fight with my mom. I was out with my friend and her boyfriend, and as we were leaving his neighborhood, we saw a guy standing at the end of a driveway. He was hysterical; it turns out his girlfriend was in the garage, and had killed herself by leaving the car running. We stayed with him until the paramedics got there, but I'd never seen anything like that before, and it really shook me up. I watched them get her out of the car and put the sheet over her. When I got home, I waited for my dad to come back from work and I tried talking to him about it, I was really freaked out by it all. He didn't look at me once while I talked, and when I was finished, he just nodded and said, "Okay."

    Anyway, that's only a little of the many factors in my life that have gone wrong, but I don't want to delve any further at the moment. My point is that I have given up all hope of living a happy life, if there is such a thing. From what I've seen, not so much. Every time I leave my house, which isn't often, all I can think about is getting back home, locking myself away, and taking my sleeping pills so I don't have to think about how much my life is a failure. Only a few of my friends know that I have a problem with depression, and some of them call to "check on me" every now and then. I appreciate the sentiment, but it doesn't really do anything to help me. And now, things just keep getting worse.

    As I said, I am 22 years old, and I can't drive. At the end of this month, my sister turns 15. And I can't think of anything that would make me feel more useless and like a failure than the idea of having to have my little sister drive me around because I was too afraid to learn on my own. And now, I feel like it's too late; I can't get my license without practice and it's like my family refuses to help me.

    What's more, every day I sign onto the internet and I have to see that the people I've known most of my life and graduated with, are all starting their lives and are happy, and I am sitting in a dark room at my mother's house, waiting to fall asleep again. Next month, my brothers and I have to travel to attend my cousin's wedding. She's the same age as I am. I'm not saying that's what I want; it's never been my wish to get married or do the whole "Brady Bunch" thing. It's just a punch in the face when you look around and people your age are just going through life like it's no big deal, and you're afraid to go out the front door.

    I know that if I want my life to get better, I can't wait for it to magically happen. I'm not an idiot. But I have to watch my mother suffer every day with all of her problems, be it financial, problems with her job, or with my dad, etc., and it seems she just cannot get a break. And I can find no explanation whatsoever for it. My mother is a very good person; she is very strong, and she sacrifices everything she has for those she loves. She's not selfish or mean, she deserves all the happiness in the world and doesn't get it. And every day I watch this wonderful person die on the inside, and tell me that she wants to die, and wishes she had the courage to end her own life. And that has been going on for as long as I can remember, and it hurts me to see it, and quite honestly, it has taken away my will to live, as well.

    I'm at the point now that I just do not care. I don't care if people judge me for doing absolutely nothing, because I know I won't survive another decade. I don't care if people know that I'm depressed or that I cut myself; I don't even try to hide it anymore. I don't hide that I have no will to do anything at all, and I don't hide my cynicism or bitterness, because I just don't see the point to any of it. I don't know what I can do. I've never felt so powerless in my life. Every day, I think about packing a bag and getting on a bus and just getting away, but the realist in me says I'd just end up in a ditch. My family thinks of me as a burden; everything I do is a big inconvenience to them. Most of my friends hardly even contact me anymore; maybe once a month or two just to make sure I'm not dead. I'm completely alone, and I can't save myself this time.
  2. Altruist

    Altruist Active Member

    Shiroi, sounds like you have been through quite a bit. I am sorry. All I can seem to think of to say is this. A lot of people make everything out to be easy or painless because they don't want to sound stupid. You mentioned that you don't know how to drive because it scares you, well I think that for most people I know they felt scared driving when they first learnt. But as you do something more and more it becomes easier and you get better at it. Unfortunately this can be true of negative things we do as well. I urge you to get out there and do the best you can, don't waste any more time, if all you get done is taking a walk around town, no problem, just get out there and experience the world. Anyways thats what I think about it, sorry if this doesn't help. Good luck and never give up.
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi Shiroi,
    I am ticked off. I wrote you a reply to your post and used some smilies in it. Everytime I use them everything I have written just disappears into mid air.
    Basically What I was trying to tell you was you will find alot of us have similar problems and isolate ourselves. You need to put your foot down and tell yourself I am going to get help. I highly reccomend a good therapist. Mine has me actually getting out of the house a little at a time. I have isolated to my room for fourteen years and still do. But it is a decission I am o.k. with. I am fifty two and have lived my life. Now I just get by day to day. I try not to worry about things but have problems with that. I guess I get that from my mom she has always been a worrier. Please seek out the help it will help you to live a better life. Take Care!~Joseph~
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