I am very weary. I have made the position I find myself now stuck in. I have failed on multiple fronts: my job, my family, my study, my finances, my friends. I am a failure. Right now I feel that there is no one to talk to, not because there is no-one to listen but because there are no words to be said that can express how I am feeling. My mind is a mess. I overthink then rethink and then think some more. I don't get off my arse enough and instead wish for a better life without make the hard decisions and the right moves to make it happen. I spent the last one and a half days home from work because I was so depressed. My potential is so great and my future is so bright if only I could find the initiative and the motivation to change. I am sitting here morbidly depressed wishing that I could die. Jesus has always been part of my life and right now is when I need Him the most, and something, some stupid resistance is holding me back from talking to Him. For so much of my life I have chosen the path of least resistance and the path of least reward. I have made many bad decisions and the chickens are all coming home to roost. In the last 6 months I have blown $170,000 on a stupid addiction that is destroying my soul and my life. I need help but I feel that the only person that can possibly help me now is myself. And I feel so weak and inadequate. I might ask myself 'why?' did I make so many thousands of bad decisions that have landed me in this dark place? Every decision was a choice and I am accountable for every decision. No-can help me now. It is in my hands: life or death.