Tired, sick in my mind and there is no light

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cgh0991, Sep 20, 2016.

  1. cgh0991

    cgh0991 Exploring the infinite

    I am very weary. I have made the position I find myself now stuck in. I have failed on multiple fronts: my job, my family, my study, my finances, my friends. I am a failure. Right now I feel that there is no one to talk to, not because there is no-one to listen but because there are no words to be said that can express how I am feeling. My mind is a mess. I overthink then rethink and then think some more. I don't get off my arse enough and instead wish for a better life without make the hard decisions and the right moves to make it happen. I spent the last one and a half days home from work because I was so depressed.

    My potential is so great and my future is so bright if only I could find the initiative and the motivation to change.

    I am sitting here morbidly depressed wishing that I could die. Jesus has always been part of my life and right now is when I need Him the most, and something, some stupid resistance is holding me back from talking to Him. For so much of my life I have chosen the path of least resistance and the path of least reward.

    I have made many bad decisions and the chickens are all coming home to roost.

    In the last 6 months I have blown $170,000 on a stupid addiction that is destroying my soul and my life. I need help but I feel that the only person that can possibly help me now is myself. And I feel so weak and inadequate.

    I might ask myself 'why?' did I make so many thousands of bad decisions that have landed me in this dark place? Every decision was a choice and I am accountable for every decision. No-can help me now. It is in my hands: life or death.
  2. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    Lets hope many people can help.
  3. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey cgh0991, I'm sorry to hear you're going through a rough time. Addiction does destroy your life and Causes depression. I'm not sure what you're addicted to, there's many addictions but there is help. If it's alcohol, drugs or gambling you may want to consider the 12 step programs available. If you're physically addicted I'd suggest detox where you can get off "whatever" safely. You'll be surprised how quickly your life will turn around when you get out of the addictive cycle. I became addicted to my prescription pain pills and it wasn't an easy thing to overcome, but it can be done with help. If you need to talk privately please feel free to pm me on the site. Take care and good luck.