Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Inanis, Jun 25, 2013.

  1. Inanis

    Inanis New Member

    I can't draw a breath without feeling pain in my throat.
    No matter what I eat, I only taste bile, yet I'm always hungry
    I cannot sleep, no matter how long I lay in bed, yet I'm always tired

    I used to pray to God, asking that he would kill me, every night before I slept
    Back when I believed
    I used to feel guilty, that being so lucky in life (I am alive, I have a home, I have a family) I would wallow in misery, like a selfish brat
    Back when I cared
    I used to wish that things would get better, that I could enjoy life again
    Back when I wasn't tired, exhausted, fatigued with life
    I used to enjoy playing music, listening to music, composing music
    back when it brought joy, instead of headaches
    I used to love jogging, and sports, and hiking
    Back when I could walk for more than ten minutes without falling in pain
    I was once fit as a fiddle, strong, confident and happy with my body
    I was a smart kid once, studying medicine, in a university so selective it only accepts 1% of applicants
    Back when I loved biology
    Try studying anatomy after four days awake
    I used to be a poet and a writer
    (or so I called myself)
    When I could weave and string a few words
    And be happy with it
    I used to have friends
    Back when I could stand talking to people
    I used to have a bright future
    And now all I see is bleak and gray

    If you were given the option to either be happy, fine, all your illnesses and problems cured and solved, or to end your life, which would you choose?
    I have no doubt
    Not the slightest shadow of a doubt
    That I would only wish it all to be over
    Because I am not sad
    I am not depressed
    I am just tired of it all

    I could say that I have been 'struggling' with treatment-resistant manic disorder/bipolar depression for years, and I guess that would sound nice- that is what you say, right?
    But the truth is, I'm not
    I gave up the fight long ago
    Now I'm just hanging on

    I think I understand addicts now
    All I do with my life is read now- read stories, to flee my own existence for a few minutes
    So you see, I'm not very different
    My drug of choice, is simply fantasy

    (when the headaches are not too strong for me to read, and my vision not too blurry for the letters)

    And I suppose the only reason I wrote this is that it's 1:00 am, and I can't breathe, can't sleep, can't even cry, can't even write without feeling guilty about it, despite being so, so, so very tired of it all.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No is reason to feel guilty hun that is what the forum is for to release thoughts to reach out to vent so tired of it all you write not depression you say have you gone to a professional hun your doctor and told him or her how you are so tired all time. It would be good idea to get a medical to rule out any possible reasons why you are feeling so low. Could be many reasons hun. See your doc ok hugs