Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by RidomRidom, May 17, 2015.

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  1. RidomRidom

    RidomRidom New Member

    I have been struggling with secondary infertility for a little over a year now. I have an infant and became pregnant again a few months after giving birth. I'd had the "two normal cycles" before I became pregnant, but I lost the pregnancy and I'm pretty sure it was from stress, I'd had multiple friends turn their backs on me in that short period of time and none of them made it easy. When we went to the ER, the doc told me he couldn't see anything on the ultrasound despite having decently high HCG levels, and said there was nothing he could do. A follow up after the MC and I was given the whole "you're still young, it won't be hard to try again" and was sent out of the office without even an examination. My miscarriage damaged my relationship with the child I already had and I find myself easily angered by her still.
    And here I am a year later, and my body still won't cooperate. Even the people who know I am struggling don't refrain from talking about pregnancy when I'm around. And there are so many other things going on right now that I won't go into for fear of identifying myself. Whenever I try to talk to someone about all of this, I always get the impression that it's just too much information for them to remotely care about, I get answers like "I'm sorry" and "that sucks". I have been chased off of every pregnancy/ttc board I have joined, either because of my social awkwardness or people need someone to piss on and I always get chosen as the weakest link.
    I have a mother but I didn't grow up with her, and she has too many other kids to even remotely care. I have a mother but I don't have a mother.
    I grew up with my father but he now wants nothing to do with me because of his wife, so likewise with him.
    I am not particularly attractive, but not fat or ugly enough to garner any support group. When I feel uncomfortable about my image, I get a cold stare from both ends of the spectrum.
    I know how to do a lot of things, but I can't do any particularly well, not well enough to catch attention or make a living with any of it as a trade.
    After getting married, most of my friends started avoiding me like the plague because they were mostly guys. Nearly every girl I try to talk to takes one look at me and sneers. The few I still talk to remain distant, I guess because I am too much baggage at this point.
    I am suicidal but too chicken or too stubborn to ever follow through with it. My greatest fear is that after I die my husband will go back to one of his crazy exes who abused him and my past few years with helping him through that damage and trauma will have been in vain.
    Every time something gets put in front of me that I am motivated to work towards, there's always a brick wall keeping me from getting to it, and no matter how far I get up that wall, what I want is always gone before I can get there. I generally lead an unmotivated life.
    I find myself wishing I would just die in my sleep, or in some accident I didn't cause so that it would all be over with. No more waiting and trying in vain. No more cold stares. And maybe, just maybe someone will realize that something has been wrong here for a very long time.
    The only relative of mine who has any sympathy left and doesn't treat me like a waste of flesh keeps trying to put me on medications. But I am afraid of becoming dependent on them, of them changing who I am, and I know deep down that when I start taking them I will become pregnant and they will either make me lose the child, cause a birth defect, or I will be dependent by then and my entire pregnancy will be a nightmare because I have to stop taking them.
    This is just how my life works. I have tried everything I can to change it and still I feel like I am cursed.
  2. lostcupcake

    lostcupcake Member

    I hope your ok. X
  3. Leolsrik

    Leolsrik Well-Known Member

    It's wonderful that you've managed to help your husband recover from abuse, that's definitely something you can feel proud of achieving. And if you really trust him, don't be afraid to tell him how you feel and ask him to support you. You'll have a great relationship if you're both always there for each other and comfortable sharing your worries.

    Also, it sounds like you'll benefit from focusing on the child you already have and postponing getting pregnant again until after life has gotten better for you. Is there any particular reason you want another child right now?

    Regarding medication, I don't have any experience, but other members might be able to help you. In the meantime, don't be afraid to share with us anything that bothers you, we won't judge.

    Finally, welcome to the forum!
  4. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Have you ever tried real counseling? I believe some of the issues you have on other boards stems from statements like My miscarriage damaged my relationship with the child I already had and I find myself easily angered by her still. where many would get the impression that another child seems a bad idea for both you and your current child. I would at the very least put a huge emphasis on getting yourself in a better place before being overly concerned with getting pregnant and having another child because that level of focus as response to the miscarriage seems like it may be an unhealthy coping mechanism instead of dealing with that previous trauma. It will be incredibly difficult to deal with the stress of another pregnancy and child before you are feeling better about yourself and your situation in general.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
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