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Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Bravo Delta, Nov 4, 2015.

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  1. Bravo Delta

    Bravo Delta New Member

    Hi all, I'm a 31 male from London, out of work accountant. I am thinking of ending it all sometime soon. I find life too much pain to be worth it and I don't see the point in it all. I feel if you grow up in home where you are regularly shouted at that you enter the world disadvantaged. Today I feel like a miserable, annoying bag of waste that is just another human on this over-crowded planet. I don't see why suicide should be a problem/illegal as none of this makes sense, it's all pointless. I have barely any friends, none that I spend time with so I never go out. I just sit in front of my computer, get stoned from time to time and wait for another accounting job. I have no aspirations other than to make lots of money. I find nothing excites me other than when I'm smoking weed or playing online video games. I also find people rude and annoying.

    Thanks for reading, it hasn't helped writing this. I guess I might talk to some of you sometime.
  2. Gergin

    Gergin Well-Known Member

    Welcome to sf and thanks for sharing.
  3. Aeneas

    Aeneas Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that you feel so down about yourself at the present moment.
    It's not always easy, trying to deal with the problems that you face alone.
    I like to think of the heart (as in our deeper feelings) as a place where we live. Like our room, or our home. And it's only when you open the door that others can come in. So if there's something that you don't like on the inside, perhaps what you're missing is other people in your life. Which is probably why you joined the forum, am I wrong?
    You're reaching out, and I don't think that you would have joined if you thought it was a lost cause. There's a part of you that wants to keep trying and hopefully make everything right. But you can't listen to that inner voice that's telling you that it's impossible to change, and to be better.
    I had the opportunity to travel to South Africa and live there for two years from February 2013 to February 2015 and there was a man living in one of the townships there. He was a very impoverished person, struggling with all manner of addictions and criminal activity, and ultimately a crippling depression. But when he opened up the door to his world, and let people in, he was able to overcome those challenges. And he was in his 40's at the time.
    Not to compare stories, because everybody is different, but you're not a lost cause. Not to me, at least. You've still got reason to live, as much as I do.
    And try to think of ten things that you are grateful for and write them down. If you can't think of anything, try to think of ten things that you like, and write them down. It's hard, but if you need to force yourself to do it, do it. And then if you want, throw it away. But make sure that you write 10 things down whenever you start to feel like this. It distracts your brain and helps you pick out some good things, which is hard because when you're suicidal, your mind starts matting down all positive thoughts. And we've all experienced this cycle of depression reinforcing itself, like any other disease. It wants to fortify itself in your mind, and it will try to block out the good and make sure that you truly truly believe that there isn't good, when really there is.
    To assume that there's no good is terrible, and even if you just have to be happy for someone else's good fortune, that's a grand place to start. Sometimes I have to look beyond my own situation and imagine some little girl or boy getting to see their father for the first time in years, or getting to enjoy a birthday party with friends and it makes me happy that they get that moment in their lives. And there's no jealousy, because I'm seeing the good in the world.
    So, let me know if that helps, or if you need someone to talk to, I'm always available.
  4. gabe perron

    gabe perron Member

    Hey bro can you speak further about this? Everyone feels like this at some point. I have hundreds of times but i think theres a difference between thinking about it and actually intending to do it.

    Whenever i think about it; it seems realistically possible, but then i always end up doing something else to occupy my time. Try some new hobbies try drastically changing your life, i know deep down you actually do one to live you just need more reasons to stick around.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there and welcome to the forum, do you think that getting stoned could possibly be making you feel a little worse? I'm sorry to hear of your situation, is moving an option? Moving so you can get a job? Do you have any family supports? I wish you the best of luck, please tell us more about yourself if you feel up to it. Good luck.
  6. Aeneas

    Aeneas Well-Known Member

    That's the hard part. Because usually what it is that we're missing to accomplish our goals is structured time.
    We grow up, thinking that the more we work and the more we learn, the more 'free time' we get.
    But free time, when it gets in the way of what we should be doing, becomes wasted time. No matter how enjoyable the activity.

    So, if you feel like that's a fit, the main thing that I would say that would help, is that you've got to schedule activities.
    I know that doesn't sound fun and special and wonderful, but it's so much better than not doing it.
    Like, tell me, when you were in primary school, did you ever think, "Oh recess is so boring because we schedule it."?
    I doubt it, right?

    So, once you're organized you can start using the control you've gained in your life to start working on your thinking.

    You want to know a silly little trick that I like to use that works every time for me?
    So, last year I realized that wow, I really hate when people talk shit on other people. And I realized, that hey, I can do that for myself too!
    So I started to counter a negative thought about myself with the phrase, "Hey, that's my friend you're talking about."
    And as stupid as it sounds, it works. I chastised the negative thought, and replaced it with a positive moniker.

    You can come up with something similar.

    But with this guy in South Africa, a lot of what helped him was finding a real tangible purpose in life.
    For him it was partly religion and partly getting involved with his community. He was as smart as an average American citizen, so he was by no means living in some sort of ignorance; so he got active in community projects that we did like cleaning up the school after sandstorms. And he helped us with service to elderly people's homes and things like that.

    Furthermore, he changed his lifestyle. He realized that a lot of the lifestyle he was living was only being fed by media he was enjoying. Go figure, huh?
    I see it as the mental diet. Just like, if you eat hot wings all day, it's going to affect your complexion, your breath, and eventually your body will start to produce the smell of hot wings.
    It's the same thing with the things we watch and listen to. If you listen to incredibly depressing music or songs with lyrics that really express deep suffering and depression, it might be a good idea to mix it up and inject some positive songs and lyrics into your life.
    Same principle applies to your television, movie and internet consumption.

    Secondly, you can improve your attention to the positive things in life if you work from the outside in. And this is a technique that I learned in psychology- but you can, for example, make a list of positive physical habits you want to practice.
    My list that I made included:

    1.) I'm going to open a window for at least a couple minutes and enjoy the fresh air.
    2.) I'm not going to say anything bad unless it's in reference to something that's physically hurting me.
    3.) I'm going to smile.
    4.) I'm going to keep my head up when I walk.
    5.) I'm going to look at the skyline at three different times today.
    6.) I'm not going to clench my hands or fidget when I talk to people.
    7.) I'm going to relax my shoulders.

    And I committed my list to memory. And I would go over it in the morning.
    Although, I wasn't perfect at performing my list right away, I did start to notice that as I tried to observe these things, they became a habit.

    And on average it is estimated that about 66 days are required to adequately form a habit.
    And you can read more about that here:

    So, if you start doing basic small things like that, it won't fix all of your problems but it will give you the assets necessary to make the progress that you want.

    And the trick is again, ORGANIZE.

    If you can plan your day, even by getting a watch and living by punctuality, you will greatly increase your productivity and overall happiness.
    We as human beings have an internal mechanism that lets us know when we feel under-utilized in our environment. It's called boredom.
    Unfortunately, just like the other mechanisms in the body, it can be trained by us to work against us. We can make things that are worthwhile seem dull and elaborate for no purpose. And we can fall into the trap of seeking quick rewards, and short efforts, that ultimately rob us of satisfaction.

    Hopefully this helps. I can clarify or elaborate more if you need me to, but I think that this is a good starting point.
  7. gabe perron

    gabe perron Member

    Aenaes is it possible to summarize a bit? I'm interested in everyones opinion here but i'm not the best reader / writer.
  8. Aeneas

    Aeneas Well-Known Member

    I can break it down into a few sentences:

    • Organize your daily routine.
    • Create a list of positive physical habits. (i.e. smiling, good posture, keeping windows open, listening to uplifting music, etc.)
    • Work on forming habits out of good things. It takes on average 66 days to form a habit. Which is not bad at all.
    • Prioritize important things and do them as soon as possible.
    • [BONUS] Socialize, socialize, socialize.

      If you can do those simple things, and create a system for yourself with reminders, (I like to use alarms on my phone.) then you'll start to see that you are in greater control of your thoughts and feelings. And you can shift the landscape of your world view. Which is a godsend if you're in the gall of despair.
    2 people like this.
  9. gabe perron

    gabe perron Member

    You do make it sound simple though, when i'm depressed it seems there no way out. I guess the best way is just to stay busy.
  10. Aeneas

    Aeneas Well-Known Member

    Not busy, baba! Productive!
    Busy work is boring. Productive work is meaningful and rewarding.
    For example, one activity: Doing dishes.
    You can make it busy work and just do them for the sake of doing.
    You can be productive, and enjoy the feeling that comes from having clean dishes, a clean sink, and not having to worry about insects that like dirty dishes.

    There's joy in productivity!

    And if you need more detail on a specific part, read the long post, haha!
  11. Bravo Delta

    Bravo Delta New Member

    Thank you Aeneas. I only read the first few paragrpahs of what you wrote but I will read it another time. To be honest I don't think we're on the same wavelength. I try to keep routines, stay positive etc but I still don't see any point to this all. I get spurts of productivity and positivity but I feel too corrupt in the head. I am too messed up by my upbringing. I could pay for yet another round of counselling sessions but I don't even have a job.

    I've never even tried it yet but it's too easy in London, I can walk to the top of my apartment block or the nearest tube station. So I may well be miles away from actually doing it but I feel I might only need to try once.

    I have tried many different things but I just feel too messed up. I can't relate to people, they're all too positive, or I'm too nervous. I do have a good laugh with people about negative stuff etc but I couldn't care less about lovely positive conversations. I am 33 actually and this has been going on and on and on and on and on since I was 19. I don't think there is a solution for me other than death.

    No I don't think so. Smoking weed with computer games is my favourite thing in life. If I had a life to go to I would give them both up in a flash but I have tried endlessly to get that.

    This was going on way before I moved to London 2 years ago. I can't look at small changes like moving house. No family no. I've disowned my close family.
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