Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by srhx, Aug 20, 2016.

  1. srhx

    srhx Member

    It's been a while since I last felt suicidal. The last time it got so bad that I even had letters written and was ready to go and just couldn't do it for some reason. Maybe I'm scared of it hurting or being found and taken to the hospital, I'm not really sure. But I haven't been the same since then. I feel detached from everything. Like my body is still here and alive, but my brain went through with it, if that makes sense.

    My mom left me to move 1,000 miles away with her now husband when I was 13. I was sexually abused by my older brother when I was a kid but never told anyone and he committed suicide last year so I'll never be able to get closure. I lost the man that promised to love me forever and he no longer cares about me whatsoever. My dad doesn't understand depression and never listens to me when I try to talk about what's going on with me so I've stopped talking all together; About anything. My house is filled with people and I feel completely alone. I feel like the past few months has just been loss after loss and I don't even want anything good to come into my life because it gets ripped away from me shortly after. My ex was unfortunately the only friend that I had and usually the one that I would go to for this kind of thing but now that we aren't together anymore and aren't speaking, I don't have anyone, so I'm here. I'm just at the point where I want to give up so badly because I feel like I've been crying for help for months now and no one bothers with me. I can't afford health insurance at the moment so I can't go to a professional but even just to have someone in my life that checked on me to see how I'm doing would be better than what I have now. Which is nothing. I'm tired of opening my heart to people who continue to abandon me when something better comes along. I have given all I have left to give to the world and it still isn't enough and I don't understand why.
    OCDNihilism likes this.
  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey Srhx, I'm sorry you're going through this, feeling alone can be pretty scary. I lost my last living relative in this country last year and since then I've felt so very alone, I'd never felt that way before and it did hit hard. I was glad when I found this site cause at least there's people here to communicate with. I'm just wondering if there's any services in your country that can help you with therapy, Here in Canada social services can sometimes give you some direction.
    I wish I knew what to say to help you feel better, but there are no words that take away these feelings. Just know that you're not alone. Take care and be safe my friend
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there and welcome to the forum.

    Regarding the sexual abuse from your brother, you talk about wanting/needing closure. I truly believe therapy can help you get the closure you need if try hard enough. I'm sorry you are not in a financial state to seek help but some therapists will reduce their prices if you have a low income (that's what mind has just done). Keep talking to us here and if you want someone to ''check'' on you every so often I would be more than happy to do that. You deserve to get help and be treated, I really feel for you as you have been through a lot but please know hope is there! :)