i'm tired. i'm tired in so many ways. so much happens and still. . . all i want to do is curl up and die quietly. just stop existing. i won't because i know i don't want to in my heart of hearts, but i constantly teeter from 'wow life is lovely' to 'fuck this shit' and i'm tired of it. i can't talk, i've never been able to talk. i don't want to either. i know i should try to help myself. the most i can do is not tell my loved ones how shit i feel and not cut myself, not drink, not smoke. but it's all messy and there're so many lies. there doesn't need to be. . . but i lie by reflex. the truth scares me. and i keep trying to feed myself positive thoughts, to push on through. i want to reach out but i'm scared. so this is it, posting on a forum in the hope that someone could make me feel in the slightest bit better, or that i could feel better in typing a load of bs into the ether. i'm just tired. i want to go, but if everyone else has to survive afterwards, it's not worth it. i want us all to cease existence, i want it all to end. i hate thinking but i'm too scared to stop. thinking is bad.