Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by maleficum, Aug 10, 2007.

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  1. maleficum

    maleficum Member

    i'm tired. i'm tired in so many ways. so much happens and still. . . all i want to do is curl up and die quietly. just stop existing. i won't because i know i don't want to in my heart of hearts, but i constantly teeter from 'wow life is lovely' to 'fuck this shit' and i'm tired of it. i can't talk, i've never been able to talk. i don't want to either. i know i should try to help myself. the most i can do is not tell my loved ones how shit i feel and not cut myself, not drink, not smoke. but it's all messy and there're so many lies. there doesn't need to be. . . but i lie by reflex. the truth scares me. and i keep trying to feed myself positive thoughts, to push on through. i want to reach out but i'm scared. so this is it, posting on a forum in the hope that someone could make me feel in the slightest bit better, or that i could feel better in typing a load of bs into the ether.

    i'm just tired.
    i want to go, but if everyone else has to survive afterwards, it's not worth it.
    i want us all to cease existence, i want it all to end.
    i hate thinking but i'm too scared to stop.
    thinking is bad.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so sorry you feel this way now...I have felt as you have described many times, and somehow seem to come back to life is worth living...like an old boxer getting back into the ring...please try to talk either in chat or here and let us know what is going on for you now...maybe something someone says can bring you some relief...just to let you know I have heard what you said and I care...big hugs
  3. maleficum

    maleficum Member

    thanks, sadeyes.

    so much i could say. . . but it's all meaningless, at the end of the day. the more i think, the less i say. the more i learn about life and other people, the more i hate myself. i hate this instinct to stay alive. i hate this fear. i would like to be fearless, to be senseless, to not care about other people. i would like to die without anything else, ever ever ever.
  4. maleficum

    maleficum Member

    I tried to kill myself the other day XD. . . threw up what I swallowed, then my mum came along a bit later offering me a bit of what I tried to OD on to 'settle my bad stomach'. . . bless her :( unfortunately I had to shout at her to get her to not make me swallow it. . . I probably would have up chucked it as soon as it reached my mouth >.<
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Sorry to hear you have reached that place where it seems the only way to survive is actually not to. I am glad you were not successful in your attempt. Perhaps as you get more comfortable with us here, you may be able to share a little about your feelings and if you know what drives them. we are patient and very supportive. If that time comes, we will be here to listen. :hug:
  6. 70sheets

    70sheets New Member

    I feel the same way, I'm too scared of so much and that fear goes into dying. How can you not want to live, but be scared to die? I've never made an irrational decision in my life and I can't seem to find the strength to do it now. Thank you for saying what I've been trying to say. I told my roommate today, I wanted to quit trying, quit living and she said "Come on, no you don't" and then made dinner.
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