Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Puddytat, Sep 23, 2007.

  1. Puddytat

    Puddytat Well-Known Member

    I hate mondays!!!! im getting those panic attacks again, i dont want tomorrow to come, I always feel like this on sunday, it cant be all in my mind. its a real problem. these are real symptoms.i sleep in longer on sunday, feel all achy in my body, cant do anything coz i dont have the energy. Getting depressed again. my head is fuzzy. Why wont any one take me seriously. why dont they see that this is killing me? i cant do it anymore.
  2. Puddytat

    Puddytat Well-Known Member

    i wanna run away from this place. i hate myself for it. i can never finish anything. i can never commit to anything. i feel so guilty that i wanna leave, i like it here, but its just a natural instinct. getting too close, too personal, cant handle it, dont let any one in, shut them all out, run away from everything! why am i like this? why do i do this to myself?
  3. Puddytat

    Puddytat Well-Known Member

    i wanna cry, there are so many things going on inside me right now but i dont know how to voice them. im frustrated because i dont have the words.
  4. Puddytat

    Puddytat Well-Known Member

    so exhausted, dont have the will to do anything anymore. i wanna do so many things that i know will help, make me feel better but i when it comes down to it, i cant get myself to go. what am i so afraid of all the time. i just want normality again. i wanna go home. i want my life back again. i dont feel normal here. i feel so alone and disconnected. i want to see my family and friends. talking on the phone is not good enough. i wish i could bring them all here too.
  5. Puddytat

    Puddytat Well-Known Member

  6. Puddytat

    Puddytat Well-Known Member

    oh god, im just innocently looking through pics on my bfs pc, looking specifically for pics of us together, getting crazy w/ fear & insecurities. im not looking for anything incriminating and i know there wont be anything either, its just from my previous experience w/ my ex, finding things that ripped my heart to shreds and now im just panicking again. im scared these feelings are going to haunt me the rest of my life. i trust him implicitly but there is always that fear. its happened before, why cant it happen again? i just need to calm down. i dont like to snoop and thats what it feels like im doing, even tho i know im not. why cant i let go of that fear? what the fuck have you done to me ****! this is all your fault! you made me so insecure and paranoid!!!
  7. jcat

    jcat Staff Alumni

    on the fence- please take care of yourself. if what you are doing is triggering you then please stop. it is easier said than done, i know. i go back and look at old pics, read letters, read posts and stuff like that at times, just to triger myself. it is very unhealthy. so please do yourself a favor and if what you are doing is triggering or going to trigger you. please stop.
  8. Puddytat

    Puddytat Well-Known Member

    I dont want to, i dont do it intentionally. its been almost 4 years and im over most of it. dont want anyone to know that im weak and somethings still effect me, there are always gonna be things that will remind me, its an unfortunate side effect. i guess i just have to be strong when im in those situations.
  9. Puddytat

    Puddytat Well-Known Member

    i dont know anymore!!!
  10. Puddytat

    Puddytat Well-Known Member

    I want to live but i want to die too!

    i want to be creative again...

    i used to write poems, i used to sketch, i used to be able to express myself

    i cant do anything anymore, im so useless, whats the point anymore?

    im too impatient, i want my life but it seems like its taking too long to get to the point i need it to be and i dont know how much longer i can wait. what if im waiting for nothing?

    i wish i could help ppl here but i know i cant, im scared ill just make things worse.

    i want to run away again, always running, dont wanna face something, ill just disappear again. maybe i should just disappear for good. wont keep hurting ppl by getting involved then running.

    im so sorry everyone.
  11. Puddytat

    Puddytat Well-Known Member

    did it again... i got drunk last night, god im so stupid!

    i get a bit out of hand when im drunk, really friendly and talkative, like NON-STOP and ill talk about anything, i am too much fun to be around and then people try to take advantage of that, they become touchy feely, god it gives me the creeps. i dont want their hands all over me, but im so beyond drunk i can barely stand nevermind fight them off. besides it was a work collesue and as much as it grosses me out that he was touching me, i dont want to get angry w/ him and make it uncomfortable at work. problem is now i havent said anything so he will think its alright. i feel so icky.

    i didnt want to get drunk, it was a going away party and i said i would stop in for one drink, they kept buying and i kept drinking coz i feel bad if ppl spend money and i waste it. i didnt ask for it, i didnt want it, i wanted to go home but after a while im laughing and talking and i forget. i dont think i said anything to stupid. promised myself i was going to control it, i barely drink anymore so one drink just hits me.

    whats worse is, i got home and my bf was angry w/ me, i never answered my phone, how could i, it was in my bag and the place was noisy, why is that my fault??? i had no strength to argue and i passed out, i know that didnt make it better.
    hes a bit of a hypocrite tho, why is it that whenever i go out there is some huge problem and he is cross w/ me but im like the most trusting and understanding person when he goes out. there is always some kind of issue that he will make a big deal of, im getting so fed up w/ it, its so unfair, he hates seeing me drunk except if we are drunk together, why is that?, but he was drunk last week and it wasnt a problem.

    im soooo angry
    im angry w/ myself
    im angry w/ him
    im angry w/ myself
    im angry w/ fucked up guys that wanna take advantage
    im angry w/ myself

    i feel ashamed