Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by tired82, Mar 25, 2008.

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  1. tired82

    tired82 Well-Known Member

    For the past year, not a day goes by without me thinking of ending my own life. Usually at work when I get stressed or angry for no reason (other than just thinking about where my life is at the moment), I see myself taking a gun to my head. When I think of all the troubles, failures, and how it's all kind of hopeless, I imagine putting a bag over my head & tapeing it shut. I think I'd prefer the latter more, even though I've thought of others. It seems easier to prepare for, before & after.

    I've read the things that someone who's contemplating this should read, like "Death is a permanent solution..." etc. I understand all of that, or at the very least, for the most part I can agree with, but it just doesn't seem to apply to my situation. I have a job that does not pay well; I'm close to losing my home to foreclosure; Can't afford any medical/psychological help, even with health insurance; No personal life to speak of; And I'm not counting on my family for support that'd be helpful (not that they won't help in some way). I suppose my story would seem trivial, if not long-winded, so maybe I shouldn't start rambling about it.

    The immediate & long term future just seems so bleak, without any possibility of significant improvement. I know the phrase tossed around at this point is "hang in there, it'll get better". Things probably will get better, but I don't know if it's enough. A small improvement is a small victory, but still a drop in the bucket. I'm tired, and I'm running on empty will power to try to survive what life dished out. I understand the concept of a person taking charge of their destiny, but I don't have that characteristic in me, and I probably never will.

    I just want to put down the burden I'ven been carrying around in the wrong way. I just want to end the journey with so many step that I took was wrong & irrevocable.
  2. Melancholy

    Melancholy Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum :smile:

    It's all too easy to look at your life and see all of the negatives, I can relate to that totally. But even from that post I can see that you're an intelligent, articulate and thoughtful person. Try adding to that list instead? Even the little things can make you look at the world in a slightly different way.

    Things seem pointless at the moment, granted, and you've already acknowledged that they may well get better. You could try taking little steps in that direction actively, say joining a social club or something where you can start to build up your personal life etc.

    Take care of yourself, any time you want to rant you can PM me,
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    So put your burden down even if it is for a short while. Let other members here help you with it so it isnt so heavy to carry. There are a lot of caring and understanding people here who have or are sharing the same pain, and want to help you through it. Keep posting and you'll soon see you aren't alone in this.
  4. tired82

    tired82 Well-Known Member

    Yesterday was a real struggle to stay focused for me. Posting here helped (thanks Lauren). But I was split between periods of mindless activities that's probably compulsive, and numbingly low moods.

    Though they may sound trivial (& I realize it's a subjective term), I'm facing problems without good solutions. I'd be reminded by irrelevent things to pay the mortgage, which I am months behind. And that thought lead to remembering other things I've fallen behind on. And it goes on. Yet I can't come up with any good solutions. It's easy to say "take one step at a time", but that's difficult when you're facing the wrong direction.

    On the way home from work, I thought of death as a solution to my problems as I've done before. It's not the perfect solution, nor would it solve all my problems, but it sure will save me a lot of trouble. I thought of taking a car to somewhere secluded & fire up some charcoal. Leaving the keys in the wheel-well, and a note next to me. Lay out plastic in the back seat (because it's a rental car) and seal the vents. Notify my brother & a friend by an email I'd send beforehand so they'll find me when it's all over.

    When I thought of what I'd say on tape to those I leave behind, it was sad and it also felt good. Telling my parents how I felt I've been a disappointment to them, and my decision can in some way benefit them, made me feel that this is right. Reciting word by word telling an ex girlfriend that after all these years, I still haven't learned how to be the person both of us know I can be. If I had done that, it wouldn't have hurt her back then.

    I was finally able to put these thoughts aside when I got home, only to turn the TV on so to be pre-occupied by it. A friend called to ask how I was & to tell me he was moving. I lied and said everything's okay, and offered to help him move. I wanted to say something, to say what was really going on. But I couldn't out of fear of being stopped from ending it.

    And so it starts again today.
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