Tired =/

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Papin89, May 5, 2008.

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  1. Papin89

    Papin89 New Member

    Im kinda lost right now =/

    Im 19 years old and struggeling realy bad these days to stay alive.
    its been like this for 1 month now:sad:.
    The past half year the problems have just becomed bigger and bigger.
    But they are just the "top of the iceberg"(spelling?)

    Im going to write down the entire history(So that i can get it out)

    I have struggeled since 3 grade with:
    -Almost none friends
    -Geting good friends
    -Family problems(Violence, threats ect)
    -Bad self-image (Spelling)
    And a few other problems
    I see that the Family problems started all of it.
    My father was a abuser, he hited my mother several times, and threatend to kill himself and us(the kids). He realy fuc*ed my mothermind up =/.
    =The Good Times=

    I realy miss the kindergarden =(
    At that time i was kinda was in the center of most of the other kids.
    I Made every one laugh, and was always beeing my self and the other kids loved it. And i was a matador XD. i had 2 gf at the same time. :p
    I was the only boy who wasent scared of girls
    When i started in 4 grade we moved into the city.
    I had to start on a new school, New Friends, every thing was new to me.
    In the beginning every thing was working like normal.
    But the suddenly the bullying and harrasment started.
    I tryed several thing to get them to stop.
    Told my mother, and my teachers but it only stopped for 7 days.
    3Years the tortur lasted =/
    (At this time i almost managed to take the step.
    But something stopped me i dont know what:S)
    We moved again and i started on a new school.
    i tought GREAT a new begining new people, new teachers.
    But the problems from the past sneaked up behind me.
    I was VERY shy, i was afraid to talk about the slightest things.
    I realy didnt get any good conection with the other classm8`s.
    But they where friends. But when we was chosing teams in the gym ect i was NEVER selected, i was always the last one.
    (im not overweight at all my body is good,Even better than most kids. )
    Then the 3 last years was over. i feel like i went 3x faster.
    I didnt have 1 Girl friend this period. only buddys.
    so im lacking the social abilitys every one else have. =/
    Then i started as a student 2 years on school.
    At this point i started to be more open wasent to shy ect.
    Made some girl- friends, that i hang out with a little.

    Then later on in this period i got to know this realy kind girl.
    I realy liked her at the first sight. and we started to hang out ect.
    then we becomed bestfriends. we talked hangedout. And she started to flirt with me. every one around as noticed this. And said that i should go for it since i had liked her for a while. After alot of "yes but" ect we got together.
    We had a rather closed realtionshop, the communication was REALY bad.
    I tryed to make contact but she didnt want to tell me anything.
    She was rather selfish when we where in the bed ect. it was all about her =/
    (It was just 1 way i never got a thing back:S )
    Then one time she blew(spelling?) me in the face with face and gave me a look, so i blew/blowed her in the neck back. then she turned around and slapped me with both hands, and looked REALY angry on me:S.
    Then later she said it was because of PMS. i nearly didnt get any excuse back. like it wasent her fault it was mine.
    Then when we got back from the vecation i told a girl- friend of mine what had happend and she got angry. she talked with my GF on Msn and said that she treathed me bad ect. THen my GF got mad at me for saying that she was threating me bad ect.
    And that i was the one that made all the mistakes.
    That i didnt give her enough time, and that she was sick and tired of "watching over me". I was sick under the vecation, she never looked after me, isent that rather normal in a relationship?. but instead she was haning out with the other boys :S. she didnt even sleep with me but with them instead.
    This hurted my feelings and my truest in people. when she was the girl that usually was looking out for friends ect.
    (the 2 months before she got together with me, she was flirting and having phonesex with a 27 year old guy she meet at the internett.(she is 17).
    She post pics of here self sometimes, so i can see. and i get this "pole" driven trough me every time. since she is so cute and she was my everything. its been 1 month now and i still dream and think about here alot. =/
    Ive dropped out of school since im sick and tired of the stress i cant focus at all!:S. My grades are so bad i cant make it trough =/.

    Im struggeling alot in social talks :S. They stopp most of the time since im realy bad at see and understand peoples hints and feelings. :S
    So i often say something bad or wrong. And i change subject alot =/.

    This is what i could write now, But my mind is enough to fill out 1000 pages. :S

    Maybe there is someone else out there with same problems?
  2. Gunner12

    Gunner12 Well-Known Member

    I don't have the same problem but maybe a bit of time off to think and breath would help a lot.

    It takes a lot of courage to step out of shyness, I know that from experiance(and am still pretty shy but better then I was before).

    Take some time off, write down you problems and thoughts, try to talk with people.
  3. Papin89

    Papin89 New Member

    Tryed to talk with my friends. and also give them room to ask me about things but none those :S.

    ive also been reading this book about friendship ect. and one of the chap is named: "Its wrong to be a good boy", and its so true :S
  4. Gunner12

    Gunner12 Well-Known Member

    Take a break for a bit and try to relax. Also maybe find more friends, hopefull some that are more understanding.

    SO true. I agree totally.
  5. Papin89

    Papin89 New Member

    Trying my best to "relax" but all i can do is to think about my x. =/
    And that its one of my friends that have taken the photos of her. out side just the 2 of them =(

    And he dont ask me about doing stuff, instead they are inviting every one else =/
  6. Gunner12

    Gunner12 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry about that.

    Being able to talk well and see/hear hints of when and what to say takes practice, I've only recently started and find it hard to have good decent length conversations.

    All problems can be resolved. The only factor is time.

    Wounds can take a while to heal. Meanwhile, find other people to talk to and hobbies to do, even if none of it is physical.

    The first thing that came to mind as I read that was my nickname. I'm a Chinese person and my parents decided to name me with a name that starts with an X when written in English(Nice meaning actually, just different).

    I decides to keep my name as I moved around and I've picked up a few nicknames along the way. Some of my Friends call me X and that was what I thought of.

    Do you have any cool special nicknames.
  7. Papin89

    Papin89 New Member

    my most used nick name is "ch" and "papin" =P
  8. Gunner12

    Gunner12 Well-Known Member


    Something amusing from today(another one of my nickname is X-man), One of my friends asked "If we cloned you, would that make you X-Men?" It was pretty funny at the time.

    The closest I've been to Norway was Germany, which was a week ago.

    How is it there?
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