Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by makary, Jul 8, 2009.

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  1. makary

    makary Member

    I'm tired of faking that smile, telling everyone i'm fine, pretending everything is okay...because it just F***** isn't.

    My name's Makary...or soon...will be 'was'. I can't say I've had a bad life...but it certainly has been far from the life a 21 year old should be living in. I always cared about helping others.....helping friends or strangers and just making sure everyone's always happy and alright. I'm not going to bother writing a story here...just maybe if one of my friends comes here...i can say you were right...when he says i told you so (ppl will leave / forget about you when they dont need you). Becuase thats whats been happening in elementary, highschool and round 3, in college. I guess i never had any friends...turns out everyone just needed me for something...cuz now that im graduated....no one...not one of them cares to call or e-mail...like i dont exist.....but i remember when i broke down last year in college and i wanted out.....everyone was on the 'things get better bs' wagon and they even forced me to go to councelling...thats prolly the reason im still here, otherwise i woulda gone through with it and been done.

    But u know what? that prolly woulda been the best thing to happen to me...

    Thats just the tip of the iceberg........my real life problem thats been making everyday of these past two years a nightmare is due to the two accidents i was a victim to.....both of which where MVA's where i was rear-ended by careless drivers....whom have f****** up my neck enough to make me wanna relieve myself of my pain. I attended physio for the longest time....but turned out they didnt help, they only sucked excess $$$$ out of my insurance company. Alot of other specialist and doctors turned out to be after the money too as they bullshited and the best thing they could do was prescribe pills...not effective against strained neck muscle (sternocleidomastoid ) and multiple torn ligaments. Finally came a doctor who removed over 16 bloodclots from my neck...there's still more in there...but i give up. Everyday i wake up im in pain....i try to play sports, do stuff but it either hurts too much or makes me dizzy/nauseous or ends in a headache.

    So no one can help me....no doctors nobody........so im stuck in a life of pain, zero friends (unless they need something then they're bff...BS!), no girlfriend...sadly the one that coulda been saw me in my worst moments (when i was falling apart and wanting to kill myself) and thinks lesser of me.

    and no job.....because just my luck, i graduated in a recession and my field of study has been hit hard - my last terms coop employer who promised me a future last year...just flat out said they dont have enough work...other places, just arent hiring...so what was 3 years+ of studying for?

    Now, i m stuck at home....parents are onto me....we argue frequnetly ...because i just wont tell them whats bothering me...i cant....and i cant ever tell them what im thinking to do (the thoughs of suiciding) because that would hurt them too much....

    i ve tried before...but my 'friends' stopped me.....but now seeing that i dont have any around......im trying to figure out how to make it seems like an accident...can anyone just help me die?

    im out of options....no one can help...psychiatrist cant do anything because i will never tell him the whole truth - im not getting sent away somewhere and thats final....the only place im going is 6' under...real soon.
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry to hear about your physical issues that are continuing to give you problems. Do they suggest anything else that can be done to alleviate the pain? Why is your insurance having to pay for your medical bills if the other party was at fault? Are you eligible for any type of benefits because of the accidents? At 21 you still have opportunities to make the changes you need to succeed in your life. Have you tried making contact with old friends? You know, in thinking back, many of those I hung out with in various stages of my life are no longer around. As I moved through those stages, lives changed. People (friends) went off in their own directions and we drifted apart. You can make new friends in this new stage of life. I know the economy is tough right now and jobs are not easy to come by. You may need to take one that is not related to your field of study for right now. There are actually a lot of college graduates that go on and the actual careers they eventually end up in are not those they have their degree in. It doesn't mean they are unhappy or that their education was wasted.

    As for your psychiatrist-if you don't tell them the truth about things there is no way they can help. They are unable come up with the right things to help you without the full story. Do you have a therapist as well? I find mine to be much more effective than the pdoc. Don't quit searching for options to live. Seek help from wherever you can get it. Use all resources available to you. :hug:
  3. makary

    makary Member

    sadly....in all honesty im giving up on life. nothing interests me anymore...whatever still does-hurts. im just miserable, and if i dont dissappear, ill just keep making who evers around miserable too.
  4. reefer madness

    reefer madness Account Closed

    Why do you even bother going to a psychiatrist if you're not telling them what's going on? Half-assed treatment gets half-assed results.
  5. makary

    makary Member

    youre right...why bother....i went to get ppl of my back.....but no ones around so im never bothering a psyc. ever
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You know, depression can drive thoughts like these. Go to your psych, tell them everything, give them the chance to help and then make decisions from there. i know you are tired, but it isn't time to quit yet.
  7. reefer madness

    reefer madness Account Closed

    Do you not want to get better? To have a nice life?
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey sounds like you have had enough but you need to rest. You are tired not thinking straight right now. Your depression is making your mind give up on you. You are so young not time to give in yet. Find that fighter in you and go tell your doctor what is happening. Go and get pain control for your physical symptoms. You can do this it will take some energy but rest up first then go and get yourself help okay. Your psychiatrist will help you but you got to be honest and open so he or she can help. You are way to young to give up on life Too much out there and your doctors can control the pain just go get help okay. Take care rest up get some energy and go talk with your doctors.
  9. makary

    makary Member

    psychiatrists aren't gonna fix my neck pains and make it all better...especially after my family doc says theres nothing much that can be done now. So there goes all my hope down the drain.
  10. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    What about seeing a physiotherapist? :hug: Theres always hope, even if it doesn't seem obvious right now. Don't give up!
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