I'm tired of faking that smile, telling everyone i'm fine, pretending everything is okay...because it just F***** isn't. My name's Makary...or soon...will be 'was'. I can't say I've had a bad life...but it certainly has been far from the life a 21 year old should be living in. I always cared about helping others.....helping friends or strangers and just making sure everyone's always happy and alright. I'm not going to bother writing a story here...just maybe if one of my friends comes here...i can say you were right...when he says i told you so (ppl will leave / forget about you when they dont need you). Becuase thats whats been happening in elementary, highschool and round 3, in college. I guess i never had any friends...turns out everyone just needed me for something...cuz now that im graduated....no one...not one of them cares to call or e-mail...like i dont exist.....but i remember when i broke down last year in college and i wanted out.....everyone was on the 'things get better bs' wagon and they even forced me to go to councelling...thats prolly the reason im still here, otherwise i woulda gone through with it and been done. But u know what? that prolly woulda been the best thing to happen to me... Thats just the tip of the iceberg........my real life problem thats been making everyday of these past two years a nightmare is due to the two accidents i was a victim to.....both of which where MVA's where i was rear-ended by careless drivers....whom have f****** up my neck enough to make me wanna relieve myself of my pain. I attended physio for the longest time....but turned out they didnt help, they only sucked excess $$$$ out of my insurance company. Alot of other specialist and doctors turned out to be after the money too as they bullshited and the best thing they could do was prescribe pills...not effective against strained neck muscle (sternocleidomastoid ) and multiple torn ligaments. Finally came a doctor who removed over 16 bloodclots from my neck...there's still more in there...but i give up. Everyday i wake up im in pain....i try to play sports, do stuff but it either hurts too much or makes me dizzy/nauseous or ends in a headache. So no one can help me....no doctors nobody........so im stuck in a life of pain, zero friends (unless they need something then they're bff...BS!), no girlfriend...sadly the one that coulda been saw me in my worst moments (when i was falling apart and wanting to kill myself) and thinks lesser of me. and no job.....because just my luck, i graduated in a recession and my field of study has been hit hard - my last terms coop employer who promised me a future last year...just flat out said they dont have enough work...other places, just arent hiring...so what was 3 years+ of studying for? Now, i m stuck at home....parents are onto me....we argue frequnetly ...because i just wont tell them whats bothering me...i cant....and i cant ever tell them what im thinking to do (the thoughs of suiciding) because that would hurt them too much.... i ve tried before...but my 'friends' stopped me.....but now seeing that i dont have any around......im trying to figure out how to make it seems like an accident...can anyone just help me die? im out of options....no one can help...psychiatrist cant do anything because i will never tell him the whole truth - im not getting sent away somewhere and thats final....the only place im going is 6' under...real soon.