Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by hopelessoq, Nov 2, 2009.

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  1. hopelessoq

    hopelessoq New Member

    im tired of my life, of feeling like a disappointment..

    I am a 23 year old male that comes from a very good family. Throughout my life I have always kept people at an arms length, never letting them get to close that they could potentially hurt me. I played a sport in college not because I wanted to, but rather because I was expected to. I have always tried to make everyone in my life happy, never truly deciding anything for my own pleasure/goals. I have lied to everyone around me just so that I do not hurt them, often telling them what I know they want to hear.

    My parents are wonderful and have always given me everything I have wanted. I managed to screw up graduating college two classes short due to a problem with depression literally weeks before finals of my senior year. I have felt ever since then that my parents resented me for having problems and not finishing. I have always been asked what I want to do in the world..honestly, there is nothing that I want to do. I have no goals, I have no real reason to live. Nothing excites me, everyday I wake up wishing I was gone and did not have to deal with the disappointment my life has become.

    I feel like I am wasting my parents money/time, and have not turned out how I should be. I am apathetic towards life, and feel like killing myself is the only way to end the pain. I have even been contemplating joining the military..not because I care about the fighting, but because of the chance that I can be killed.

    To be honest I am just trying to find the right time for me to end things. I hate my life and just want everything to be over.
  2. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    I can relate. I have never been to college, but I fucked up my last year of high school because I was depressed and didn't give a shit about my grades. Looking back, I know this was a stupid thing to do, but I can't change it so I won't get bent out of shape over it. I too seem to have no goals or motivations or career aspirations. But that doesn't mean I'm gonna up and quit, thats the easy way out. There are millions of different jobs out there, surely there is one for me, and there is one for you too. Your parents don't resent you, they're just disappointed that you messed up. Don't worry, everybody does.

    You're still young, like I am, and have a lot of life ahead of you, if you make the right choice of course. You don't have to change all of a sudden and know what you want to do with life, but you should give it a chance. There are jobs out there you don't even know exist. Think about that for a minute.

    Keep posting here, it's a good place with helpful and understanding people. I hope you feel better.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Have you talked to a doctor about your feelings Your depression can be treated if you are on medication time to try newer ones out there. Your parents would be devastated literally youwill just send your pain onto them if you killed yourself. Depression is treatable your saddness is treatable go to therapist Psychologist and talk with and get on medication that will work for you so you can go back to college in a career you want of your chose.

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    what brought on >. I have always kept people at an arms length, never letting them get to close that they could potentially hurt me.
    why is that ?
  5. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    I do that too. When you've been hurt by people you love and/or trust, then you become apprehensive of letting others get close to you in case it happens again.
  6. hopelessoq

    hopelessoq New Member

    My biological father left when I was two years old and was never a part of my life. I had come to terms with it by unconsciously keeping people at an arms length so that I would never have to feel abandoned again. He then contacted me in November of last year saying he wanted to talk, only to turn around and say that if I want any sort of relationship with him I have to be the one to reach out to him.

    I have tried talking to therapists/psychologists, have done more drugs than I care to admit in order to make the pain go away, and nothing helps. From the outside you would never think anything is wrong with me, I can count on one hand how many people I have told about my depression.

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    i understand how that can be. theres not alot i can say on how to deal with your father. i can also relate to the question on what you want to do in this world. time and time again my mother used to ask me that.
    when i was your age .. i still didnt know. i ended up drinking and drugging. that was what i DID in this world. lord knows it wasnt the smart thing to do as it did cause me problems.

    there is one thing however .... it may take some doing and for some its simply not a reality to them. let me give you a short example. my mother used to smack the crap outta me and basically pushed me away from as far back as i can remember. she remarried when i was 8 .. no i didnt do well in school and wasnt the perfect child. my step father was quite an abuser of punishment. i remember i lost count during a spanking at 30 swats with a piece of plywood that was 1/8 thick.
    anyway, i had so much hatred for them and ppl when i turned 18 i too, kept ppl at lenght. i would push them away before they got to close. you know that feeling.

    well, when i quit drinking ... i started reading differant books. my friend, yes you are still at a young age ... im almost 50. it took me some time .,. but i knew the only way I was going to be out of pain from the past ... was to forgive. you dont have to say it to his face. its to help you.

    we carry that baggage through out our life constantly dwelling on it, allowing it to keep us from being outself.

    i understand the hurt. im not selling you short on that. however, i do believe you NEED to release yourself from what was in order to continue with YOUR life.
    if you dont let go of it ... and i know it wont be easy .... you will never have expectations. you will never enjoy what is out there.

    when i did, i realised that i may not have what i want .. i have had and i have lost. but i realise that i cant allow the past to control my future.
    there are so many things that i enjoy now, whereas i never enjoyed anything. i couldnt. i would not allow myself to .. because OF THEM.

    i learned to be me. i had to learn who the hell i was. i learned to not allow someone past present or future to control me.

    its your pain that keeps you from raising the bar on your life. you hide behind that mask that so many of us did and still do.
    once again , i felt the same way you do right now. nothing was intresting. my mother asked me what i enjoyed. well, hell .. how can you enjoy anything when you are stuck in a boat that is going no where ?
    you dont have to take a big plunge into the world. i suggest that you work on one thing at a time. one day at a time.

    my mother always told me i would be a nothing and that my life would be a hard one. well she was right about one thing. LIFE IS HARD BUT I WILL BE DAMNED IF IM A NOTHING. because im somebody and so are you.

    she told me i never try, well ... i have been trying for years. i dont know where im going, but i know im NOT in the same boat i was in.

    step out of your boat ... slowly. learn to walk on dry land. take in whats around you, let it soak in and go from there.
  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Can't you just take the semestor over??Talk to a counselor at college and let them know what happened.. They usually can help you work out your academic problems..
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