i hate nothing to say here. been a member for four and a half years and keep coming back. i know, from past experience, that writing out my ''problems'' wont help in my case, because my problems dont have solutions. im an untidy guest. but i have to write. however stupid it may be, or annoying, or never read - or, most likely, never responded to - i need to write. i know tonight wont be my last night. but who cares. 5 years of suicidal thoughts that wont go away, constant depression and anger and hopelessness. the reason i left this forum is because no one can help me, no one can reply with anything but a hug or a cup of tea or a piece of advice that i will have heard before. i just want peace and quiet. i jsut want my heart not to be my enemy anymore, trying to turn itself inside out and making me gag with the pain. i just want to not exist.