I am so very tired tonight. Five decades. Half a century. I am tired of fighting. Tired of the endless days. They blur into each other. Some days do stick out, theres Thanksgiving and Christmas which serve to make me extra miserable because I have no family left. And the truly fucked up thing about that is, they were abusive and tormented me. So I wish for a family that I never had, never will have. I sit here day after day watching the cobwebs grow on the ceiling but have no desire to remove them. The vacuum has its own dust collection. I meet people online everyday indeed chat is usually where you will find me. So many wonderful people come here. But my real life is a desolate place. I look around me and see only chaos. Which is probably representative of my mental state. It is a strange thing to have read all the self help books and been CBT'ed to death (sorry if that sounds strange) yet still be stuck in this mudhole of an existence. I am quiet fluent in psychological babble. To be fair I've seen it work for a great many people. In February I will have lost my job for 3 years and my mother for 2 years. Strange milestones. I cried over the job, but not my mother. I really do not want to see another Christmas. Sorry if I rambled, I've been lurking the forums for hours looking for an answer I cannot find. Thanks for reading.