Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by texaskitty, Nov 26, 2011.

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  1. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I am so very tired tonight.

    Five decades. Half a century.

    I am tired of fighting. Tired of the endless days. They blur into each other.

    Some days do stick out, theres Thanksgiving and Christmas which serve to make me extra miserable because I have no family left. And the truly fucked up thing about that is, they were abusive and tormented me.

    So I wish for a family that I never had, never will have.

    I sit here day after day watching the cobwebs grow on the ceiling but have no desire to remove them. The vacuum has its own dust collection.

    I meet people online everyday indeed chat is usually where you will find me. So many wonderful people come here.

    But my real life is a desolate place. I look around me and see only chaos. Which is probably representative of my mental state.

    It is a strange thing to have read all the self help books and been CBT'ed to death (sorry if that sounds strange) yet still be stuck in this mudhole of an existence. I am quiet fluent in psychological babble. To be fair I've seen it work for a great many people.

    In February I will have lost my job for 3 years and my mother for 2 years.

    Strange milestones. I cried over the job, but not my mother.

    I really do not want to see another Christmas.

    Sorry if I rambled, I've been lurking the forums for hours looking for an answer I cannot find. Thanks for reading.
  2. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I have no answers or good words tonight, just sending warm thoughts :hug:
  3. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Thanks Mo, I know you have your own struggles.

  4. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    We all do, texaskitty.

    And to seek the answers you are looking for, can you identify the questions or what you are seeking?
  5. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    texaskitty.. sorry times now are so very rough for you. you reach out and help so many other people and not fair the situation you are in now..

    if things go much farther south for you just maybe time to reach out to try adn find some professional help for yourself.. you are good people hon...

    You take care please.. Jim
  6. TheOncomingStorm

    TheOncomingStorm Well-Known Member

    I loves you Angie :hug: here for you always
  7. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Angie babe, don't know what else I can say apart from what I have already said but just know you are very loved and supported. You always help people through their own personal hell, let us help you through yours xxxxx
  8. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I wish I knew what to say to help you feel better - you seem to have the knack of what to say to help so many people in the chatrooms. You are the kindest and most caring person I know and yet I have never actually met you. That is a validation of who you are - the fact you can have a positive impact on so many people without even knowing them.
    It is not strange to miss people even if they did not treat you as you should have been treated. I can say as a parent all I really want in life besides their happiness is to know I have raised a "good" person. Regardless of the relationship and whether it was pure accident - you have become a good person and that is the ultimate goal of parenting so you would have to call yourself a success.
    The other way to measure yourself is to ask your self if you make the people around you and your peers better people. In your case it is a resounding yes- you make every person that meets you in chat a better person - whether they just strive to remember the new people as actual people with names as you do so well or simply a constant reminder or what it is like to be kind, polite, and compassionate you serve as a reminder to all. Those skills can not be learned from a book and can not be honed to perfection an 10 or 20 years - but rather take a lifetime of experiences to sharpen as you have. If everyone was as good a person as you at 50 than the world would be a better place.
    I understand the loss of self identity when losing a job because I have done that as well. I thought that my life served no purpose after losing my job - in the last few months I have learned that life did not stop simply because I stopped working. You have already discovered this but struggle to remember this. I wish I knew the words to encourage you but I dont - know simply that you are my friend and you are important to me and so many others. Please take care of yourself and remind yourself on occasion what a good person you are

  9. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Thank you so much friends for your replies.

    They touch my soul.

    I shall continue the battle, sally forth and all that. Its just some nights get to me.

    Love you all.

  10. MadeOfGlass

    MadeOfGlass Well-Known Member

    Aww Ang :hug: Sorry I haven't been around a lot, and super sorry to hear you're struggling.

    Just know I love you bunches and you've got so many people who care for you. :wub:

    You're so strong and I know you can keep fighting!
  11. Cpt-Fantastic

    Cpt-Fantastic Banned Member

    :hugtackles: angie, i hate to hear that you are feeling this way, i hope you feel better soon. and about the coddwebs.. perhaps we should organise a field day from the forum and clean up your house and make it sparkle :) i would be up for that, if im ever in texas, i would gladly offer my services and help you out:superman:

    love patrick
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 28, 2011
  12. auntiemichele

    auntiemichele New Member

    ok kit i dont know where i am but i have found a box to type in
    i am in crisis mode for first time in my life
  13. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    honey you forget that your friends are the family you can choose. :hug:

    keep fighting the good fight.
  14. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    too much misery in life.
  15. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    Five decades, half a century. Boy do I know how that feels.
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