Tired

I am so very tired tonight.

Five decades. Half a century.

I am tired of fighting. Tired of the endless days. They blur into each other.

Some days do stick out, theres Thanksgiving and Christmas which serve to make me extra miserable because I have no family left. And the truly fucked up thing about that is, they were abusive and tormented me.

So I wish for a family that I never had, never will have.

I sit here day after day watching the cobwebs grow on the ceiling but have no desire to remove them. The vacuum has its own dust collection.

I meet people online everyday indeed chat is usually where you will find me. So many wonderful people come here.

But my real life is a desolate place. I look around me and see only chaos. Which is probably representative of my mental state.

It is a strange thing to have read all the self help books and been CBT'ed to death (sorry if that sounds strange) yet still be stuck in this mudhole of an existence. I am quiet fluent in psychological babble. To be fair I've seen it work for a great many people.

In February I will have lost my job for 3 years and my mother for 2 years.

Strange milestones. I cried over the job, but not my mother.

I really do not want to see another Christmas.

Sorry if I rambled, I've been lurking the forums for hours looking for an answer I cannot find. Thanks for reading.

 

Thanks Mo, I know you have your own struggles.

:hug:

 

I wish I knew what to say to help you feel better - you seem to have the knack of what to say to help so many people in the chatrooms. You are the kindest and most caring person I know and yet I have never actually met you. That is a validation of who you are - the fact you can have a positive impact on so many people without even knowing them.
It is not strange to miss people even if they did not treat you as you should have been treated. I can say as a parent all I really want in life besides their happiness is to know I have raised a "good" person. Regardless of the relationship and whether it was pure accident - you have become a good person and that is the ultimate goal of parenting so you would have to call yourself a success.
The other way to measure yourself is to ask your self if you make the people around you and your peers better people. In your case it is a resounding yes- you make every person that meets you in chat a better person - whether they just strive to remember the new people as actual people with names as you do so well or simply a constant reminder or what it is like to be kind, polite, and compassionate you serve as a reminder to all. Those skills can not be learned from a book and can not be honed to perfection an 10 or 20 years - but rather take a lifetime of experiences to sharpen as you have. If everyone was as good a person as you at 50 than the world would be a better place.
I understand the loss of self identity when losing a job because I have done that as well. I thought that my life served no purpose after losing my job - in the last few months I have learned that life did not stop simply because I stopped working. You have already discovered this but struggle to remember this. I wish I knew the words to encourage you but I dont - know simply that you are my friend and you are important to me and so many others. Please take care of yourself and remind yourself on occasion what a good person you are

-Ben

 

Thank you so much friends for your replies.

They touch my soul.

I shall continue the battle, sally forth and all that. Its just some nights get to me.

Love you all.

:hug:

 

too much misery in life.