Before in other times. I didnt kill myself because I still wanted (a) (b) or (c) person to care about me... My stepfather...makes jokes about how lucky hed be if I died. My mother has disowned me more than a million times.. I've runaway before and nobody cares if I get lost or anything. The only person who has said they care about me is my therapist. But I think Ive reached this place...where I dont want false hope anymore..my therapist cannot be anything more than a therapist, she cannot take me to her home...and treat me like a human being. I used to call the hotlines, but I want no one to talk to anymore. Its too tiring... I have these episodes where I dont even feel real....I feel like I am just nothing. nobody. Who cares if anyone cares? I dont care anymore...if they care its because they dont know how horrible I really am...they'll hate me eventually...heck if my own mother and father beat me senseless and disowned me...Im sure a stranger would do it even more easily.. as it has been shown to me several times. Im just tired.