Tis me!... LEA!!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ***LEA***, Mar 2, 2007.

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  1. ***LEA***

    ***LEA*** Guest

    I am sure you are all fed up reading my many posts on here but please bear with me, this one is hard to write and could be my last post:smile: I dont want anyon to think bad of me so, i'm going to try and explain because I don't want to leave a bad impression.
    My house is nice and quiet now and will be until Sunday night. Plenty of time and opportunity to sit and think and reminisce (is that spelt right?).
    My eldest daughter has gone to Scotland for the weekend to a wedding with her Fiance. My Son is helping his girlfriends family decorate their new home so, is staying there for the weekend. My youngest daughter has gone away with school until Tuesday. My other daughter, My beautiful baby girl who died 18 yrs ago, well.. hopefully i will be able to see her soon......
    I am glad they are confident, strong and happy enough to set out leading their own lives & glad they each have many interests outside of the home. They are growing up and don't need me as much any more which, is how it should be. I give myself a pat on the back for a job well done because, even if I do say it myself, they are a credit to me & a valuable asset to society, I am so proud to say they are mine :biggrin:
    Despite the fact that I have been accused of being selfish in what I intend to do, I am infact, believe it or not, thinking only of them & not myself. Many people have said to me that they would want to look after me rather than have me dead. Yes, of course they would rather it was that way.... if they had a choice, but, lets face it they wouldnt have the choice would they? They would accept the role out of a sense of duty, loyalty, not because they want that for their future. They would only come to resent that later &, quite possibly me too!! :sad:
    We are meant to look after our children, not the other way round. They need and deserve the freedom to choose & live their lives without restriction, burden or an abuse of their loyalty.
    For some reason it is incredibly important to me that People understand why I am doing this. Of course it upsets me to leave them, I am not a robot, devoid of feeling & I know it will be v. hard for me to carry through.
    I would love nothing more than to be a part of their future lives, t see what they achieve and how they do it. I will miss their weddings and my future Grandchildren, never see what their futures hold.:nerves: Rather this way than jeopardising it all for them by holding them back & being in the way.
    I am so glad I found this site, I love it here, Its like an extension to my family & I have met some wonderful inspiring people here :biggrin: I have received more than my fair share of support off you all and hopefully given something back.
    I could mention each of you by name but, that would take forever & besides i would probably forget a few and upset someone :laugh:
    Isnt it funny how we all readily give good advice to each other but dont practice what we preach? If we all took our own advice we would all be as right as rain in no time at all :duh:
    I'm sorry, I really am but I cant help being weak, I cant take any more criticism. Hopefully this has gone some way towards changing peoples ideas of me:smile:
    Thankyou all who ahve offered me a listening ear, sorry I didnt take you up on that offer. I find it hard to ask for help, I was brought up to be independent & I am.... fiercely so.
    I know you will all carry on supporting each other, This site ROCKS!! Thanks to Robin for making it possible
    I will be here tonight to hopefully speak to some of you again. Till then take care & be good to yourselves and each other.

    lot of love, gratitude and hugs.

    Lea :grouphug: :flowers:
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Lea I know exactly what you're saying, but it doesn't have to be this black and white hun. Many people have productive lives with MS and there are treatments to alleviate the symptoms. Your kids would so much prefer to have you in their lives with you needing help than not at all.
    Having said that, I do understand what you're thinking and feeling at the moment. Please take time to get used to the idea and find out all you can on your condition before making any rash decisions. You've had one hell of a shock and your mind must be reeling from it all.
    If in the final analysis you really cannot face living with your illness then who am I to tell you different, but I hope you can find another way. :sad:
  3. Bob26003

    Bob26003 Well-Known Member

    Lea, That is Bullshit. Your kids would be scarred for life. Besides, you act like it would be your kids taking care of you. It wouldn't. They will still be living their lives. That is what Hospice is for Hun.

    You are taking something that is totally not your fault and making it your fault in your head.

    I will talk to you in chat.

    Please TC Hun :smile:
  4. yada

    yada Well-Known Member

    I think differently... our parents (generally) raise us and invest tremendous amounts of time to mold us into respectable adults. And giving some of that back to our parents when they need help later in life should be only a small token of our appreciation for all they have done for us. It is all part of this undocumented sharing system called "family". At least that's the way it should be and there's nothing to suggest (from your family description above) that you don't deserve that too.

    Y'know, I absolutely agree and I too would like to say a big thank you to all who run and are members of this site.

    I'm missing some data here, as I am not aware of the criticism you're referring to.

    Similarly here, though I was not exactly brought up that way, but had to learn to be that way. Now though, considering the seriousness and inability to return from such a serious decision, I try to think of this situation from outside myself and realize that I should ask for help. Which is why I'm here. And why I expect you're here. I'm not aware of most of your situation, so can't comment of the level of help you've received, but I feel that you deserve help from your family and should not leave because you feel like you're a burden on them.
  5. ***LEA***

    ***LEA*** Guest

  6. ***LEA***

    ***LEA*** Guest

    oooh Bobert, I love it when you are masterful!! ha ha ha, just kidding, dont panic x
  7. ***LEA***

    ***LEA*** Guest

    It isnt all about my physical condition, I have a few issues that just make everything so much more of a struggle. If it was just a couple of these thing i could cope but all put together, it just too much to handle. I guess I've lost me way lately....................... i cant see the end of the tunnel.................. cant see the light thats supposed to be there waiting for me. :sad:
    I might not get another chance like this :unsure:

    Lea :nerves: :hug:
  8. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    I think what Dev said made a lot of sense, please take that extra time to consider your options. I hope there is another choice.
  9. ***LEA***

    ***LEA*** Guest

    :hug: Terry

    :hug: bobert

    :hug: Yada

    :hug: Matt
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