TITLE: A Letter To My Mom (My Other Abuser) TRIGGER WARNING

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Julia-C, Aug 17, 2011.

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  1. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    Dear Mom,

    I remember the day after Christmas 1988 when I told you about the first time dad touched me in a inappropriate way. Or should I say the first time he molested me? I remember telling you about him touching me and how you fooled me into believing it was innocent. You made me feel so stupid for thinking I misunderstood his actions. I was so worried about telling you. You can’t imagine the embarrassment I felt as the words erection, molestation, touch me down there, came out of my mouth in the same few sentences. Still with all the embarrassment of that moment it only scratches the surface of the betrayal I feel now.

    The summer of 1990 I again came to you, but this time it wasn’t to ask you if dad was doing something wrong. I knew he was doing wrong. I knew all the torturous sexual, physical, and mental abuse he was putting me through was wrong. I came to you for help. I came to you so you could rescue me. You hugged me and told me how sorry you were. You promised me it would be okay, but nothing changed. He still beat me, he still made me do things to him, and he still pushed things inside me that I didn’t want in me. Back then I thought your inactions were driven by fear, and later when I became an adult I simply thought it was a symptom of denial. I thought you were worried about losing your husband and your financial security. Again after I came to you that summer I felt like a fool for thinking I could count on you.

    December 1991, 7 weeks after I was tortured and raped by dad (your husband) for more then 12 hours strait, you finally called to check on me. I left without leaving a note of any sort. I left without any explanation of why. You asked to meet with me so we could talk. Foolishly I agreed. We meet at a neutral location and I told you in detail about what dad did to me the night he raped me. I also told you about everything he did to me while you were in the hospital in the Spring of 1989. I told you in detail about nearly everything I could remember at the time. You apologized to me for everything I had been through, and still you chose to stay with him. I thought for sure this time you would be there to protect and comfort me, but again I was a fool to think you truly cared.

    June 1993 I graduated from high school. I hadn’t seen you for nearly 2 years and I missed you. I was too afraid to drive down to Tennessee and visit you because I was afraid dad would be there. I invited you to my graduation ceremony because I wanted to share this simple celebration with you. After all the things I told you dad did to me you still had the nerve to bring him with you to my graduation. I couldn’t imagine a justifiable reason why you would do such a thing. When I saw you walking in through the rear doors of the auditorium late with him beside you, I again felt like a fool for thinking you understood. I want you to know why I didn’t stick around for the ceremony. I was done feeling like a fool because of you, and I was done being his victim. Once I saw that your lack of concern toward me allowed you to bring him I decided to dissolve my relationship with you. I intended on that day being the last time I would ever see you again.

    Two weeks before you died in April 2011, you asked a nurse at the hospital you were dying in if she would call me and ask me to see you before you die. I reluctantly agreed to in hopes that you wanted to make things right. I hoped and even allowed myself to believe you wanted to tell me how sorry you were for allowing dad to torture me physically and sexually. I thought you wanted to apologize to me. I couldn’t understand why you used your last few breaths to blame me for dad’s drinking problem. As I drove back to Louisville Ky. I again felt like a fool for allowing myself to think you were going to apologize.

    All of these times you made me feel like a fool pales in comparison to the embarrassment you caused me 7 weeks after you died. After you died I was the only one left to handle your estate. Before having your home, my torture den torn down I searched through it for anything I wanted to keep. The rest of it I gave away. Down in the basement of your house no more then 10 feet from where dad raped me were 2 boxes of video tapes. I knew what was on those tapes, I was there when dad video taped me. What I couldn’t understand is why you had those tape after all these years. I didn’t think too much about it at the time, and in many ways I brushed it off as a coincidence. I know now it wasn’t a mere coincidence. I have over a period of several weeks debated with myself if I should look at those tapes. I knew a significant amount of blank areas in my memory could be filled in by those tapes. June 6th 2011 I decided to watch one of the tapes. I watched dad do things to me which were so vile I can’t even bring myself to talk about them right now. The kind of things that turned my world upside down. The next day I again decided to watch one of the tapes. There was a significant difference in this video. This time the video camera’s position wasn’t static. Someone was pointing the video camera at me passed out on the floor while dad was doing things to me. I was so shocked because I suddenly realized someone other then my dad was directly involved in my abuse. Then I heard the words which crushed me. The voice behind the camera began to give my dad instruction on how to violate me. It was at this moment I felt like I was falling. I recognized that voice. Mom, that was your voice. You were the one behind the video camera.

    All this time I felt as if you were in denial or simply apathetic to what was going on. Now I know you were involved and just as vile as he was. I don’t know when you became involved, I do know you were only directly involved while I were passed out or so drunk I have no memory of it. I also know that you were involved as early as fall of 1989. In the video I watched June 7th 2011 I saw Buster our dog at the time walk through the living room. Buster died December 1989 and the last two months he was alive he couldn’t walk because his rear legs were paralyzed. He was walking pretty good.

    Mom, how could you knowingly allow such things to happen to me? How could you stand there holding the video camera while dad did that to me? How could you give him directions on how to violate me? I simply can’t fathom the mentality of someone like you. Dad abused me, but he never tried to keep his abuse towards me a secret. You on the other hand lied to my face, pretended to be innocent, and pretended to be a victim. I am really beginning to wonder which one of you were worse.

    A few weeks ago it was mothers day. I spent much of the day crying because you were gone. I spent much of the day wishing I had tried to become close to you again after dad died 14 years ago. Mom I want you to know as I write this letter to you, I take back all the tears I shed for you on mother’s day and all the tears I shed for you because I thought you were also his victim.

    Dad broke and beat me, but you crushed me. Still with the right sort of treatment even a crushed person can recover. If there’s one good thing I can take from this newly founded revelation it would be. I was a victim when I was a child of both of you, but now I am not a victim anymore. I am a survivor, and neither of you are capable of hurting me anymore.

    Goodbye mom. I hope you have found more comfort in your afterlife then you were willing to give me.

    Once your child,
  2. Jelly

    Jelly Well-Known Member

    Beautiful...and so painful. I'm so sorry to hear this.

    Hope you're feeling semi-okay. Anytime you need to talk, please drop me a PM. <3
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I cannot put into words my thoughts.

    You most definitely are a survivior.

    I am truly, truly sorry.

    Please take care.
  4. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Very powerful. So sad that the two people you should have been able to trust were abusers. But well done for surviving.

    Your ability to get past what has happened is inspirational.
  5. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Dear Julia..i'm lost for words
    that is so horrific and sad what they put you through *hugs*
  6. Saudade

    Saudade New Member

    Hi there,
    this is a very sad story, and I can't imagine the feeling when you found out about your mother. I wanted to say your writing is very good, keep it up and may it be a tool you use for healing. :)
  7. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    I don't know what to say, so I will simply thank you all for reading and letting me know that you care.
  8. Baltazaar

    Baltazaar Active Member

    I am lost with words. My heart goes out to you. Big hug and stay strong!
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