It doesn't matter and I know it. Whether I live or die is really no consolation to me. It just doesn't matter. I deserve to die. I don't deserve any semblance of happiness. I get that already okay. I suffer in my mind and have no escape to the dull ache inside my mind. Sometimes that dull ache becomes a thunderous roar and it's relentless. The paranoia, the thoughts, everything. I just wish they'd all just stop. I know I'm good for nothing. I know I should just take too many of the pills. I know, but there's never any alone time to do so. I don't want to be found. I don't want to be seen. I have tried to fight the thoughts of the past. I have tried to stop the thoughts raging in my head. I have begged for some kind of release. I keep reliving things in my past, words said to me, actions done to me and I can't stop believing that it's all true and I deserved it all. I deserved every bit of pain I've ever brought onto myself. I deserve to die. Hopefully alone time will come soon. Hopefully the time will come when I can just say goodbye to everything. Say goodbye to the pain. Just go. I wish it was easier. I wish it was easy. I just want it all to end. I just want it all to stop. I just want to be happy for once. I want to be noticed. I want to be loved. I want to be heard. I want to be seen. I want to be known. Instead... I am empty. I am alone. No one knows. No one hears. I can't bring myself to let them know. I can't bring myself to let them see. I am begging, aching, hurting for some kind of reprieve from this nightmare. My life...28 years of it...is in vain. It feels like i'ts for nothing. I need to go. Far away. Gone. I am hollow.