Title doesn't matter

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ~PinkElephants~, Jun 8, 2008.

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  1. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    It doesn't matter and I know it. Whether I live or die is really no consolation to me. It just doesn't matter. I deserve to die. I don't deserve any semblance of happiness. I get that already okay. I suffer in my mind and have no escape to the dull ache inside my mind. Sometimes that dull ache becomes a thunderous roar and it's relentless. The paranoia, the thoughts, everything. I just wish they'd all just stop. I know I'm good for nothing. I know I should just take too many of the pills. I know, but there's never any alone time to do so. I don't want to be found. I don't want to be seen.

    I have tried to fight the thoughts of the past. I have tried to stop the thoughts raging in my head. I have begged for some kind of release. I keep reliving things in my past, words said to me, actions done to me and I can't stop believing that it's all true and I deserved it all. I deserved every bit of pain I've ever brought onto myself. I deserve to die.

    Hopefully alone time will come soon. Hopefully the time will come when I can just say goodbye to everything. Say goodbye to the pain. Just go. I wish it was easier. I wish it was easy. I just want it all to end. I just want it all to stop. I just want to be happy for once.

    I want to be noticed. I want to be loved. I want to be heard. I want to be seen. I want to be known. Instead...
    I am empty. I am alone. No one knows. No one hears. I can't bring myself to let them know. I can't bring myself to let them see.
    I am begging, aching, hurting for some kind of reprieve from this nightmare. My life...28 years of it...is in vain. It feels like i'ts for nothing. I need to go. Far away. Gone. I am hollow.
  2. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Kells :hug:

    Sorry I don't know what to say, but know that I'm here to listen. Find me if you want to talk :hug:
  3. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    No one diserves lonelyness or unhappiness, or death. You just need to change the path you`ve chosen. I listen, and ive noticed :)
  4. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    It doesn't really matter does it. It never really matters. It's all futile. I could vent until my heart's content. I could scream, scream, scream and what's it for? Nothing. No one will ever understand what's going on because I don't ever fully divulge what's going on. It's all so pointless. The battles raging in my mind don't want to quit. They keep up the screaming. The dull ache never ceasing.

    It's pointless to try, so i guess don't.
  5. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    Kellz, please find me later if you want to talk, or rant, or whatever. I care about you, really, that's not just clich├ęd bullshit. :hug:
  6. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    thanks jess. Im gonna go stare at the fire a bit more than I'll be back. I can't guarantee I'll talk but I'll be back. Thank you :hug:
  7. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    what is causing you to feel like this.
  8. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Everything. I don't have a life. My life consists of taking care of a child that is not mine. People riding my ass telling me I can have a life. People telling me just to go out and do whatever I want without understanding fully that I cannot do that. I can't walk out the door because Dylan is my responsibility. He's been my responsibility for 7 years now. His father just walks all over me and I've tried to stand up and say shit, but no one defends me. They basically just let him do whatever he wants. He comes home when he wants, leaves when he wants, does what he wants and does not worry about his son. He never has.

    My brother is a piece of shit. I love him dearly but he's a piece of shit. He does not care about people's feelings nor does he care about his son's feelings. He only cares about himself. He has a child, who should be his first and main priority but he's not. My brother will always come first in his life. His needs, his wants, his desires, his life...not his sons wants, needs, desires nor his life. Than there's his bitch of a girlfriend. My brother is 29 she's 19. The age thing does not bother me, it's like whatever. If he wants to be with some airhead tart who's just as dirty and just as scumbaggish as he is, fine. Who am I to stop him from being his female twin? She likes to think that because she's been around for a year she can act like Dylan's mother. She thinks she can tell me how to run his life. One day I will knock out her teeth because she comes at me like she's the cream of the crop. The girl has absolutely no clue how to run her life, let alone a child's. She walks into his life and will eventually walk out. I wish they'd both walk out and let Dylan have a decent life instead of constantly mindfucking him.

    They seem to think that moving out and taking him away from his home of 5 years will be okay for him. She keeps saying she's saving up all this money. So, is Shaun going to mooch off her? Who's gonna get him up for school? She says Shaun, but he doesn't get him up now...I do. It's sickening.

    That's just part and parcel to it all. It's just a bit and piece of things that are bothering me. I'd like a life but my life is making sure Dylan doesn't go without. I don't have a friends. I don't leave my house aside from work and taking Dylan to his baseball etc. You might sit there and think...she does to have friends. Well, I don't. My cousin is pregnant, my bro's gf is pregnant. Those are the two people I used to hang out with if I did anything. I don't talk to people, I don't go to clubs, I don't drink much at all. I don't do anything. I get up, get Dylan ready, go to work, come home, cook for dylan, do for dylan, etc. Than I put Dylan to bed and by the time it's me time it's about 9pm and I'm dead tired. I want Dylan to be happy and safe, but I'd like to also have a life.

    There is no happy medium. I could scream at my brother but his retorts are always vindictive and nasty. He says I'll move out and you'll never see Dylan. It gets old and pointless to yell.

    That's just a bit of things. I could go on but it'd take forever. I could go on about the abuse, the torment from guys, the rape, etc....but why bother. It's still all pointless.
    I deserve the hell I'm in. I brought it on myself.
  9. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    kelly i know how you feel. :hug: sorry i lack words right but i really sincerely hope you find your peace or happiness or both. know you're not unheard, hun. i hear you. :sad:
  10. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Thank you Rae. It means alot. I know you know how I feel. We are in somewhat similar situations. Thank you for reading it and listening.

    I feel trapped.
  11. Kate.

    Kate. Member


    I don't know what to say about what you're going through. I don't know how you feel. But you're suffering and nobody deserves to suffer. You don't deserve to suffer.

    You said you feel like you life's for nothing, but man, it sounds like you're doing some really great things for Dylan-- that's not nothing. He must really look up to you.

    You've been through a lot. The torment and the rape... god, that would be so hard. You didn't deserve that. You don't deserve the pain you're going through now-- nobody does. Please, don't let it crush you. Just reading about how you care for Dylan-- it sounds like you're an AMAZING person.

    Just reading your post, it makes me really sad seeing the way you feel. I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I hope, really really hope, that things start to get better for you. Until then, know that there are people that care about you, okay?
  12. RememberLove

    RememberLove Member

    Hey sweetie,

    I cant imagine what you are going through and I have no words to comfort other than giving you a tips of a greate writer. Her books helped me a lot when it comes to change your attitude towards life.

    Please check her out: Byron Katie

    Hugs :hug:
  13. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Thanks for the offer on the books but I'm really not into self helpish books. I figure if I was going to fix things I'd do it myself. Fact is, things will never change. People sit on the outside, they sit on the fence and throw comments on how to fix that or change this, but it's not that simple. You may thing it's that simple, but it's not. It's been this way for 7 years, it's just not going to miraculously change overnight. Won't work that way at all.

    People can sit there and say do this, do that, do this, or do that. Go ahead it's really simple to say. Truth is you have no idea. There are only two people in this world who can even come close to relating to me that I know of and they know who they are.

    Thanks for trying though.

    Still trapped and caving in.
  14. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Sit in trap with you kells and knows exactly what you're saying.
    Bless people for trying but sometimes a thing just is what it is. :sad:

  15. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Kelly, is there no way that Dylan's parents can work something out and help to raise him? You're not his mother or even his adoptive mother. Although it's really decent of you to step in and be his mother when his parents are busy having fun. Just tell them that you have a life too and need some time for yourself.
  16. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Dave..like i said in a previous post this is 7 years in the making. His mother is not around. His father is hardly ever around. If I don't do than no one does and he suffers. It's always so simple for people to give opinions but never realizing it's impossible
  17. Anam_Cara

    Anam_Cara Well-Known Member

    :sad: i understand how you feel too... believe me i can empathize.. eerie how much i can relate.. im sorry you feel that way.. it's a horrible state of being and it feels like a nightmare.. but there are many here, this thread is proof, that do care about you.. and who want you to know you arent alone... big hugs to you..
  18. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Double edged sword, Kellz. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I can't win anymore and I am sick to death of having to defend myself for the things I do. Dad yelled at me and told me it wasn't my job to worry about Dylan. Is he serious? Love him to bits but he's the one that told me since Shaun wasn't getting him up I should start getting him up for school. What the hell do you want from me people? What?! I'm sick of getting ridiculed for doing for him and then getting ridiculed for not. MAKE UP YOUR MINDS.

    Brother called..he's on his way home. Most likely to go upstairs and play poker online. most likely to ignore the son he brought into this world. i'm cooking dylan dinner right now while shaun plays golf. Shaun plays golf all week this week. How nice for him, eh?! How fuckin' nice indeed.:dry:

    Let me suffer. Let me drown. I can't win. I'll just let you down. NOthing I say and nothing I do. Nothing I accomplish is good enough for you. Damned if I do. Damned if I don't. Some say I shouldn't. Well wtf.
  19. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni


    Takes golf club and.............
  20. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    I would say stop getting Dylan up, and stop making him dinner, but there is no need for him to suffer just because his dad is an incompetent ass. Again, Kellz, you know where I am if you need anything.
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