My mother died when I was 13 and ever since then, I'm 18 now, I've been miserable. I've been completely miserable. What's worse is that I either push away the people who care about me or I make their lives miserable as well. They don't deserve it. I pushed away my large, extended family (5 aunts, two uncles, many cousins) by turning into a horrible person. I ignored them and when they finally came around, I acted ungrateful and darker than I actually could ever be. By age 16 their phone calls and trips to my house had stopped, even on Christmas and my birthday. Now I only have 3 living family members who support me; my dad who's 64, my uncle who's 66, and my grandmother who's 90. So I use the term "living" very loosely. I pushed my uncle away when I found porn on his computer, after thinking he was a good pious man. That's what hurt me most I think...not the porn but the fact that he tried so hard to get me to lead a moral life considering his wasn't so clean either. He just got too creepy to be around. Of course I never told anyone this. I pushed my grandmother away when I pushed my uncle away, because they live together. Now she's in the hospital and may be dead before Christmas. She lives next door to me and I only visited her on holidays which I think makes me an evil person. What's more evil than that? The only person in my family I haven't pushed away is my father and I treat him like crap. He's old, going into debt more rapidly everyday, and I recently found out he probably has lung cancer. He still won't stop smoking and I doubt I have much time left with him. But that doesn't stop me from yelling at him, or being ashamed to be seen with him. I pushed my friends away too. I never talk to them out of school, I use them all for money and I keep one friend around just for the free weed she gives, and generally loathe them when I'm not around them. My best friend since kindergarten hates me now, and I hate her too. I can feel the tension but we act like friends everyday. She has a weird family who is more like a cult, and she cares about them more than me. I push her away by saying bad things about her in my head when she's not around. I also become jealous that she has way more than me. I want to see her fail sometimes. I have a wonderful, loving boyfriend. His biggest fault is needing space and partying too much, but he is in college. He has never cheated on me or hurt me in anyway. Yet I verbally abuse him everyday, stalk him, and aggravate him so bad he doesn't like talking to me anymore. That my friends, is how I've pushed everyone else in my life away too. I treat him horribly and that stupid SOB is still with me, I don't know why. I do love him but he's the one piece of the puzzle that just won't accept his place. His place is to desert me like everyone else. I can't understand any other form of behavior than that. Why is he still with me? He can do much better not only in the looks department but he can do better by finding a girlfriend that doesn't call him gay and a junkie everyday, which he is neither. I live in a dead end town, in poverty. You people with money are soooo lucky, I'm on welfare. I've been wearing the same clothes for three years and I see my dad nearly cry about our outstanding bills each night, so I often have fantasies of just doing whatever I can to get the money. I deserve new clothes, my father deserves a jacket without holes in it, we deserve more than two doublecheeseburgers to eat each day. My biggest luxury is the internet, and that might go away soon. So I figure in a couple years my father will die and I will have no one. No one, and nowhere to live. This is of my own doing, of course. The death of my mother did something to me that I still can't understand. Why do I push away everyone who means anything to me? Do I really need to explain why I want to die? I just want to find out someway to do it and get it over with. Thanks for reading.