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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Beth June, Dec 14, 2006.

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  1. Beth June

    Beth June Guest

    My mother died when I was 13 and ever since then, I'm 18 now, I've been miserable. I've been completely miserable. What's worse is that I either push away the people who care about me or I make their lives miserable as well. They don't deserve it.

    I pushed away my large, extended family (5 aunts, two uncles, many cousins) by turning into a horrible person. I ignored them and when they finally came around, I acted ungrateful and darker than I actually could ever be. By age 16 their phone calls and trips to my house had stopped, even on Christmas and my birthday.

    Now I only have 3 living family members who support me; my dad who's 64, my uncle who's 66, and my grandmother who's 90. So I use the term "living" very loosely.

    I pushed my uncle away when I found porn on his computer, after thinking he was a good pious man. That's what hurt me most I think...not the porn but the fact that he tried so hard to get me to lead a moral life considering his wasn't so clean either. He just got too creepy to be around. Of course I never told anyone this.

    I pushed my grandmother away when I pushed my uncle away, because they live together. Now she's in the hospital and may be dead before Christmas. She lives next door to me and I only visited her on holidays which I think makes me an evil person. What's more evil than that?

    The only person in my family I haven't pushed away is my father and I treat him like crap. He's old, going into debt more rapidly everyday, and I recently found out he probably has lung cancer. He still won't stop smoking and I doubt I have much time left with him. But that doesn't stop me from yelling at him, or being ashamed to be seen with him.

    I pushed my friends away too. I never talk to them out of school, I use them all for money and I keep one friend around just for the free weed she gives, and generally loathe them when I'm not around them. My best friend since kindergarten hates me now, and I hate her too. I can feel the tension but we act like friends everyday. She has a weird family who is more like a cult, and she cares about them more than me. I push her away by saying bad things about her in my head when she's not around. I also become jealous that she has way more than me. I want to see her fail sometimes.

    I have a wonderful, loving boyfriend. His biggest fault is needing space and partying too much, but he is in college. He has never cheated on me or hurt me in anyway. Yet I verbally abuse him everyday, stalk him, and aggravate him so bad he doesn't like talking to me anymore. That my friends, is how I've pushed everyone else in my life away too. I treat him horribly and that stupid SOB is still with me, I don't know why. I do love him but he's the one piece of the puzzle that just won't accept his place. His place is to desert me like everyone else. I can't understand any other form of behavior than that. Why is he still with me? He can do much better not only in the looks department but he can do better by finding a girlfriend that doesn't call him gay and a junkie everyday, which he is neither.

    I live in a dead end town, in poverty. You people with money are soooo lucky, I'm on welfare. I've been wearing the same clothes for three years and I see my dad nearly cry about our outstanding bills each night, so I often have fantasies of just doing whatever I can to get the money. I deserve new clothes, my father deserves a jacket without holes in it, we deserve more than two doublecheeseburgers to eat each day. My biggest luxury is the internet, and that might go away soon.

    So I figure in a couple years my father will die and I will have no one. No one, and nowhere to live. This is of my own doing, of course. The death of my mother did something to me that I still can't understand.

    Why do I push away everyone who means anything to me?

    Do I really need to explain why I want to die? I just want to find out someway to do it and get it over with.

    Thanks for reading.
     
  2. smackh2o

    smackh2o Well-Known Member

    I'm no expert or anything but I would say you were angry. That's why you push people away. And to be honest you have every right to be angry, despite the fact that you lost your mother which could never be an easy thing to cope with, you've got financial worries all the time. It's like the world chewed you up and spat you out and your pissed off inside and seething with emotions and it all gets mixed up and confusing.

    I think you've really got to let someone in, someone who can listen like your Dad or your Boyfriend and confide in them with some of what your going through. And just see if you feel as defensive or aggresive to them afterwards.
    Sometimes love doesnt just appear, you have to dig for it, unfortunatly.
     
  3. blackfire

    blackfire Well-Known Member

    I have pushed my family away and isolated myself. I tried to hang out with friends but they don't want to do anything with me. So I isolated myself from them too. I have lots of anger built up.
     
  4. thecleric

    thecleric Guest

    It's a way of committing social suicide--<Mod Edit: Abacus21 - inappropriate>, as far as most of your family is concerned.

    Wish I could offer help, but all I have is observations.
     
    Last edited: Dec 15, 2006
  5. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Hi there ....

    Just thought I'd give you a few :hug: s ....

    I'm sorry I can't really offer any advice, but hugs I can give ....

    Hang in there :)

    Joe
     
  6. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    You push people away to protect yourself from being hurt/left, which is essentially what your Mother did (although involuntarily). To care about people means to hurt when they leave (which, concerning the death of your mother, you believe they will inevitably do). I know, because my Father died when I was 16, and I was absolutely and suicidally devastated. You are trying to drive your BF away because you don't want to care, because care = hurt for you. So, you treat him like crap and then you have no respect for him after the fact because he puts up with it (when in reality, he seems to really love you and is trying to be there for you). Try to understand that not everyone leaves, that you will eventually heal if you are open to it and that money solves NOTHING. Nicer clothes, nicer cars, but emotionally, you need to fix yourself and that is something money can never, ever buy. Accept the love that is in your life now, because otherwise the world is a very lonely place. Let him in and you will start to heal. This is experience talking here :) You can be happy.
     
  7. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    Beth im sorry u do deserve better, but live is unfair. Dont give up, you are not the bad person u try to make us understand. Im sorry ure in so much pain and only can tell you that i will pray for you. Love, Beret
     
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