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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by evan sebastian, Feb 23, 2009.

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  1. evan sebastian

    evan sebastian New Member

    i don't know if theres a point in writing anything. i just desperate i guess. it's getting hard trying to push these intrusive thought out of my head everyday. i just want to ease all the pain. it's like being alive is like someone jamming a dagger in my heart and twisting it around with my every breath. i crave companionship and love but i cant. im damaged goods. I know im not an unnattractive person, but i feel disgusting and ugly. i loathe the person i see in the mirror. there's me and then there's the me that wont let me be me anymore. I ha ve severe anxiety disorder and having it so hard to be around people and talk. no one understands... My father took is time instilling fear in me from the time i was born.( imagine guy screaming at baby" shut the fuck up" and a trembling huddled mass. this goes on and i couldn't even go to collage because i'm to terrified to speak in front of a group or raise my hand. I can't speak to the pretty girl who's interested in me no matter how i feel. i might as well be in a prison. every day is a waste. if distanced myself from people i use to be friends with. its been a few years since ive last held a job, everyone i use to know has moved on and are doing things with there lives. i cant talk to thaem anymore. they'd think im pathetic. or i could be honest and then i just be a mental case to them. i'm getting real tired. i've tried to get used to the lonliness. im used to it but it still hurts alot. i can't play my guitar anymore or write any songs. I cant paint anymore or cook a fun meal. theres no joy in it anymore. i dont know why i just feel, if theres no point to my life, if i can't even live even though i know im a capable person, then why let myself keep living. i'm just a beating heart. other than that i don't feel like im alive anymore. i crave love and companionship but i now im just wasting my time everyday. i can't say i'll be happy when i'm gone, but i know i wont feel sad and alone anymore. am i making any sense? i keep erasing every sentence 5 times before i leave it i'm so selfconcious of myself. i just don't want to waste anymore time. i don't know
     
  2. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hey. .. i'm glad you reached out hun....s.f. is a safe place. people here truly understand. i'm new here - s.f. saved my life. literally, there are people here that kept me alive. i feel really sad when i read about your life, and how your dad was (((i am a mom and i am very sad to read your post))) but i am so proud that you are courageous enough to share it, and to reach out. that is a HUGE and positive step - it shows you are headed in the right direction....
    life is worth living and hanging on for - but we all need help along the way!

    i hope we can be that help for you. pm me anytime if you want to talk - i answer all my pms. .. and many, many others, are here for you. i care what happens to you hun xxxxx :hug:
     
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Evan,
    Welcome to the forum!!! You will find that the members here are very supportive.. The more they get to know you the better!! Don't be afraid to open up and talk because no one knows who you are..
    You will find new friends here, the members here are very kind and supportive. If you prefer one on one conversations you can PM any of us and we will return your PM..Sometimes when you are new it takes a little time for replys so don't get discouraged o.k.? Take care!!!
     
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