I haven't actually put this in writing for a long time, so this is considerably hard for me. I don't know why I feel like such crap. I have no good reason. Things that I thought I had bottled up have surfaced again, and they're destroying the little bit of me I have left. They happened years and years ago, this shouldn't be happening. As many of you know, I lost my girlfriend last year to suicide. Ever since then, things have been different. I don't have the words to explain it, but life has been so much different without her. Those "goodbye, this is the last time you will see me" posts do put a frown on my face, because the thought of losing someone ever again is scary. Which is why I havent been able to open up and love someone again since then. It's sad that this society has chosen to ignore things rather than get over them. I'm not complaining, I think I like it this way. I can't accept April's death, and I don't think I ever really will. I still love her. I've been dreaming about her. Everytime I close my eyes I see her. Everytime they're open I see her. I'm constantly walking with people I don't know whispering in my ears. The thing is, I see her. And I talk to her. I know she isn't real, but its still worth it. I told my therapist, and she put me on medication to make it stop. I understand her concern, because they were telling me to kill myself, but... I feel like she has been ripped away from me once again. It hurts less this time, it's easier, but it still hurts. I just don't know what to do. My therapist thought the voices might be medication related, so I was taken off of all of them, including my anti-depressants, so things have been a lot worse lately. Hopefully these voices will stop with the Geodon, and then I can get on my anti-depressants again. I'm just really confused right now.
i totally can relate to ya there about how soiciety deals with suicides. If its not involving one of their loved ones then they dont understand. People dont understand why i still greive over my ex-husband since we were divorced. but i still feel the guilt and the shame, and i dont konw when if ever it will go away.
You say that you dont have a good reason but it sounds like you do. Bottling up anything isnt the same as dealing it, even if it feels that way at the time. I mean if something doesnt hurt ya anymore then it's easy to think that it's just done with, no? It's sounds to me as if you're going through a major transitional period in your life so it's no wonder you're confused right now. Without the withdrawl, voices and maybe on better meds, I`m sure things will look a fair bit clearer.
i am very sorry for your loss, i can sense that you loved her a lot, and it is always hard to lose someone close to you. also people deal with grief in their own ways and i guess what is happening to you is your body's responce. i now know you a bit and seem to have been fairly open to me about things, which i appreciate alot. you are a lovely and beautiful girl with your whole life ahead of you, and although this is a terrible thing to have happened at such a young age, time will heal you, and you will find someone else to love and cherish again. i think you are great :hug::hug::hug:
