Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Pills, Nov 6, 2006.

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  1. Pills

    Pills Well-Known Member

    Haven't posted in a while. Started cutting again. I thought I was doing good. I was going to a shrink, he semed to be helping, but I dunno what happened.

    Tonight I was taking a shower and was thinking of all my friends that I left at uni when I came home to take a semester off. I dunno what happened, but I had a razor and I just kept slicing and slicing all over my upper arm. It was by far the worst I have ever done and I hate myself for it. So much blood.

    I'm really sad right now and I didn't know what to do, so I decided to come back here and check stuff out. I never thought my cutting would get out of hand. A month ago it was one small spot on my arm. Now it covers my left arm and both my thighs.

    If anyone reads this that isn't a cutter - I have no idea why I do this, just please don't start. It is so miserable. I feel like I have a massive sunburn and it hurts to even walk.

    I just wanted to get some release, I guess. You don't need to respond, cause there isn't much to respond to, but I needed to write something. Thanks for reading.
  2. Will

    Will Staff Alumni

    Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds as if you were in an agony.

    Was it that you felt guiltty leaving your friends?

    I'm sorry you had to go through so much pain. That isn't fair.
  3. Pills

    Pills Well-Known Member

    I haven't kept in touch with my friends like I should have. I'm just afraid that they will forget about me.
  4. Will

    Will Staff Alumni

    Have you tried giving them a call?

    I guess that's an obvious suggestion, but I kinda know how you feel.

    Your cuts still hurt, you say. Isn't there some sort of patch or anything you can put on it to numb the pain?
  5. Pills

    Pills Well-Known Member

    I call and talk to them every once in a while. My roommate left the school so I haven't seen him at all...and I've been there to visit twice this year. Lately I've been leaving them e-mails and such, but none of them have seemed to respond. It is just making me doubt that I ever really was a friend to any of them, I guess.

    I don't know of anything to put on cuts. I suppose Benghay or something of the sort might work...but I haven't been cutting very long and haven't read extensively about it so I don't really know what people recommend. All I know is that I need to stop and I am gonna have trouble doing it.

    Thanks again for reading.
  6. Will

    Will Staff Alumni

    I see...

    Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help you. I was happy to listen, and I hope you find something to remedy the pain you're in. Anytime, okay?
  7. kindtosnails

    kindtosnails Staff Alumni


    its great that you want to stop. that means you have a real chance at it. its not easy but there are lots of people who have been in your situation and come out the other side. Not having stopped myself i cant tell you exactly how to do it and everyones different anyway. But i do know some things that might help. You said you were seeing someone..are you still? Because thats probably the best step..I don't know if youve talked to your doctor as well?
    Other than professional help, what i could suggest are distractions that sometimes help to stop you cutting when triggered. Personally i find good things are taking a walk, going out and i dont know what public transport is like near where you are but if you can hop on a bus or something and just ride the whole route or until you feel a bit safer..being around people can help because you'll be safe but sometimes you just dont want to be around people you know or have the pressure of having to talk and cover up how youre feeling. Others ive found useful, writing down how youre feeling, this could be in a journal on paper or on the computer whatever you like and you could post on a forum, email the samaritans or something similar, put it ina journal or just get rid of it but getting it out can often really help. Scribbling on paper, doodling, writing poetry, watching a film, call a friend. You dont have to tell the friend how youre feeling although that could be helpful, but its often good just to chat to someone about ANYTHING...Then theres things like substitutes such as holding ice, this works well on your wrist, or snaping an elastic band or hairband on your wrist. Ive heard people mantion a lot using red ink on the place you want to cut but personally i find this really triggering so as with all of the methods, id be careful. You can make a box of things that make you smile, like a favourite poem, letters from friends, photos of good times and look at it when youre feeling bad. I find that generally keeping a journal is really useful. Theres a big list of distractions somewhere...ill have a look. ah here, its 151 distractions : http://advocacyforyou.co.uk/55.htm so you might find some that help.

    I know these are just methods of getting through one particular urge but there is no cure. Just remember that life only comes one moment at a time and after a while you should hopefully be able to replace your coping strategies with more positive ones and it should become easier.

    Just a few things that I have learnt arent a good idea..dont try and stop unless youre ready and do it for no one but yourself, dont make promises with people or let them blackmail you or get yourself in the situation where you feel guilty for your feelings..they probably mean well but it wont help. Trust me. Try not to count the days SI free because although it helps to feel good about it it can turn into an obsession and you can end up thinking about it all the time, whats better is to make a note of when you stopped if you feel you want to then you can look back later and see how well youre doing.

    Dont try and stop unless you feel youre ready and want to, try and have a good support network, dont quit unless you have thought about what youre going to do, how youre going to deal with an urge, and have alternatives ready. Feel free to pm me whenever to talk about this. Take care.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 7, 2006
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