This could be triggering. I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. I'll spare the details about my attempts. We're not supposed to talk about "methods" here so suffice to say I walk with a cane now and I only have one eye. Waking up knowing that I was still alive was enough pain and failure in it's own right. Dealing with all the social and relationship consequences afterwards is a whole 'nother ball game. Ya know people used to call me a "ladies man". I used to have women "falling in to my lap". Now? Most women avoid looking me in the face at all. Now, I can tell the difference between someone who doesn't notice I'm here and someone who's making a conscious effort to avoid looking me in the face. I used to get looks all the time. Now I'm lucky if someone who doesn't want to "save me" looks at me directly. As if I'm some freak. Is an eye patch that scary? I'm a very open person. The other night I was out and found someone who would look at me. She was cute so I started talking to her. The inevitable question came up. "So what happened to you?" Such a loaded question. I'm not the lying type so I told the truth. "Kidney failure in Feb/March caused the nerve damage in my legs and ** cut my 'method' here" ** caused me to lose my left eye." Her response was a very predictable "OMG how did THAT happen?!" and I had to tell her that I did it myself... you know, the whole honesty thing. She promptly said that she "had to go" and left... at a pace that could be considered "running". So how the hell do I deal with shit like this? I can't count how many times this scenario has played out. This isn't an isolated incident. How the hell do I deal with the people in my life who I've hurt because of my "selfish" actions and how the hell do I go about meeting new people when it appears no one wants to "deal" with someone "like me"? Most of the people I know don't want to be involved with me because of my actions.. yet I can't seem to meet new people because no one wants to look at, or associate with me. What is someone like myself supposed to do? I've always been a highly social person. "Working the crowds" has always been a big part of what made me happy. How do I function now that I can't be social anymore? How do I live now that what used to complete me is no longer an option now that I'm a "freak of nature"? I can't stop being social .. yet now I can't be the same social person I used to be. I won't lie to people but yet it kills me a little more inside every time I'm rejected just because the darkness became too much for me to handle. So how do I deal with the social repercussions of my actions?