Titles are for people who don't want to read the body.

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by OneEyedWillie, Jan 30, 2010.

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  1. OneEyedWillie

    OneEyedWillie Member

    This could be triggering. I don't know. Maybe, maybe not.

    I'll spare the details about my attempts. We're not supposed to talk about
    "methods" here so suffice to say I walk with a cane now and I only have one eye.

    Waking up knowing that I was still alive was enough pain and failure in it's own right. Dealing with all the social and relationship consequences afterwards is a whole 'nother ball game.

    Ya know people used to call me a "ladies man". I used to have women "falling in to my lap". Now? Most women avoid looking me in the face at all. Now, I can tell the difference between someone who doesn't notice I'm here and someone who's making a conscious effort to avoid looking me in the face.

    I used to get looks all the time. Now I'm lucky if someone who doesn't want to "save me" looks at me directly. As if I'm some freak. Is an eye patch that scary?

    I'm a very open person. The other night I was out and found someone who would look at me. She was cute so I started talking to her. The inevitable question came up.

    "So what happened to you?"

    Such a loaded question.

    I'm not the lying type so I told the truth. "Kidney failure in Feb/March caused the nerve damage in my legs and ** cut my 'method' here" ** caused me to lose my left eye." Her response was a very predictable "OMG how did THAT happen?!" and I had to tell her that I did it myself... you know, the whole honesty thing. She promptly said that she "had to go" and left... at a pace that could be considered "running".

    So how the hell do I deal with shit like this? I can't count how many times this scenario has played out. This isn't an isolated incident.

    How the hell do I deal with the people in my life who I've hurt because of my "selfish" actions and how the hell do I go about meeting new people when it appears no one wants to "deal" with someone "like me"?

    Most of the people I know don't want to be involved with me because of my actions.. yet I can't seem to meet new people because no one wants to look at, or associate with me.

    What is someone like myself supposed to do?

    I've always been a highly social person. "Working the crowds" has always been a big part of what made me happy. How do I function now that I can't be social anymore? How do I live now that what used to complete me is no longer an option now that I'm a "freak of nature"?

    I can't stop being social .. yet now I can't be the same social person I used to be. I won't lie to people but yet it kills me a little more inside every time I'm rejected just because the darkness became too much for me to handle.

    So how do I deal with the social repercussions of my actions?
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I don't have the answers (although I'm really glad you're still alive). I can't relate to your exact situation, but I know what it's like to explain something to someone and have them take off in the opposite direction. It's a horrible feeling, one nobody should have to experience.
  3. NoGood

    NoGood Well-Known Member

    its too much for people to handle straight away. Can you bend the truth to make people more comfotable?? And then maybe when you are more intimate with each other, let him in completely and tell them what happened. People are scared and its easier to run away before your in too deep.
  4. SelfMadePrison

    SelfMadePrison Banned Member

    I really appreciate you sharing your story.
    I have to agree to an extent with NoGood, the only different is I wouldn't bend the truth but let them know that your not ready to talk about it and thats a story for another day, its honest.

    Social repercussions are a natural thing, especially when their is a physical aspect that shows something happened or some problem, everyones reason for reacting can be very different but almost all probably related to fear.

    Maybe you need a change of venues? what sort of places did you go to? and what places are you currently going to?
  5. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I am with SelfMade and NoGood total brutal honesty from the starting blocks is not always the best thing. Again you don't have to be dishonest but it is also a very private matter. I have had to explain the very obvious as it is on my neck and truthfully when I have asked people about it later they said they appreciated the "story for another time" line. I don't think it is so much the "act" that scares them is the fact that I can talk so openly about it, or used to before I kept getting the response you did. If I was in the other person's shoes the first thing to cross my mind would be is this person "actively suicidal" and that would get me running not the fact that there "was a time".

    As my scars are rarely due to anything else another line I have used very successfully is " Lets just say I was not always as happy as I am now" and this line has worked well.
  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I know I've thrown it out there in so many other posts but.... could you try a support group? Very few people are going to "question" what happened. And if they do, they generally stick around and are more interested in you as a person rather than what you did. Sort of a been there done that attitude rather than OMG how could you? And it's one place where brutal honesty is appreciated rather than looked down upon. Sounds kind of tame, but worth a try. Making a few new friends may help to pick you up a bit, and help you find new venues to try for socializing.
  7. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I agree with selfmadeprison; I would tell them that I'm not ready to talk about what happened and maybe save it for another time...that way your not lying and that gives you both time to get to know each other...

    I've known what its like to be rejected just by sight...its not fun at all...and then when you mention your suicidal, or you self harm...its bye bye new friend...
  8. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    I am also with SelfMadePrison and NoGood. Death scares most people, and the fact that you actively went looking to achieve it might make them feel a little uncomfortable. On top of that you're basically saying to them, "I have issues" before they even get to know you. Some people might find their own problems hard enough to handle, without having to worry about growing to care for someone who may potentially cause themselves, and therefore the person themself, harm sometime in the future through actively seeking death again.

    I hope that made sense? Anyway, just slightly bend the truth a little and tell them, as it's been said, that that is a story for another time. It may do you wonders, as from my past experiences and knowledge, women love a bit of mystery in their man. :smile:
    (On a side note: It'll also help you weed out who genuinely wants to get to know you and who is just talking to you to find out what happened to you.)
  9. Littlewiji

    Littlewiji Well-Known Member

    Crap, no depth perception must suck.

    I'm with the vibe of rephrasing, or avoiding complete honesty. Truthfulness is freaky enough as it is, I doubt many people could handle complete truthfulness about this the first time they meet you.
  10. OneEyedWillie

    OneEyedWillie Member

    Yeah, you're all right. I probably shouldn't be so blunt about everything.

    I've always taken my integrity very seriously and held myself to a very high standard of integrity. When both of them happened, I lied and told people "oh, I was on a bad combo of meds" or "oh that was an accident". I lied out of shame and humility. Consiquencely I was very ashamed of myself for lying so I began being honest about it to everyone. Hell everyone already knew anyway. As a result I began being a little "too" honest with strangers. That was a mistake too.

    You're all right, I can be honest and maintain my level of integrity without telling them what happened. It's hard enough adjusting to random strangers staring, and people I could be interested in avoiding me. I don't need to add to it by scaring away the people who are already brave enough to not only look me in the face, but speak to me as well.

    The "story for another time" line is probably what I'll use for now. I'll think of a more charismatic, alluring line later. Hmm, maybe I could start a thread for suggestions and include a poll ,-D

    I've thought about attending a support group. Although I haven't done a very extensive search; I haven't been able to find one in my area yet.

    So how do those of you who have "gained" a physical abnormality as a result of your attempts cope with the change from "normal" to "abnormal"? I'm still not used to people staring. I kind of die inside a little every time I see someone staring. Hell last night I was at my godsons band performance and a kid in the row in front of me was practically climbing over the seats to stare at me. Even though he was two feet away from me, he was staring so hard at my face and leg that he didn't even realize I was staring right back trying to break the gaze. I found myself thinking "where the hell is this kids parents and will they get him away from me"? I find myself "using my missing eye as a tool" to "ignore" the stares. More often than not I find myself turning my head just slightly so that I don't see the stares. And then there's the people who avoid looking at me all together. Neither of those people smile back when I smile at them. I'm sure they don't see the smile since they're either avoiding me or staring at the eye.

    So how do others cope with things like this in public?
  11. SelfMadePrison

    SelfMadePrison Banned Member

    I think a thread for ideas would be good.. learning and practicing scripting can be a rather good thing to do.
    Do you think that one of the reasons that some people don't respond to your smile is because there mind is having a hard time processing?

    I knew a girl who had a stroke at an early age and half her face had slid and she was bald because of brain surgery.. talking with her she was brilliant but slow in speaking.. another person I know did not know her and I noticeably seen her pull back and never did give the first girl a chance.. later I asked why and she said 'because what if it was something that could be transferred like a disease'... so I assume its a cause and effect and survival mechanism.. which really sucks for people in your position because obviously the first judgment can be the last judgment all to often in our culture.

    I don't have any disfigurment but I become rather secluded in my life over the last many years, not going out unless the mother of my children was with me and the only places I went alone were to professional appointments.. Now I have started going out to coffee shops to read rather then staying inside, and going to yoga.. while I find it very difficult to engage or be engaged by strangers, learning mindfulness techniques have been a life saver and helped me through some panic.
  12. ubanam

    ubanam New Member

    Well, I don't know much, but, if you think about it...Would these really be the kind of people you'd want to meet? Someone who judges you not only inspite of, but BECAUSE you tried to end your life in a moment of pain they'd never understand, or because of the way you look (the eyepatch)?
  13. OneEyedWillie

    OneEyedWillie Member

    That is/was one of the first things I thought about when deciding to be so open about it. I don't want those kind of people in my life. I've very picky about my friends.

    However, when someone is taken off guard by something, or startled, they can act out of character. So a negative reaction when presented with something that can be so startling, isn't necessarily an accurate measure of their character.

    Did I explain that correctly? I'm not articulating very well tonight.
  14. iceblink

    iceblink Member

    You could try a really interesting eyepatch, get different ones for different occasions and ones that match your outfit, then it's just part of your look and it looks more normal and more like you're comfortable with it. I know if I lost one of my eyes I would paint a crazy eye on my eyepatch. That way people who avoid looking at you because they're trying to not be a dick and can't think of anything to say that isn't awkward would have something to say that wouldn't be as rude as, "what happened to you??" They could start a conversation by complimenting your eyepatch instead.
    Maybe also invest in a more stylish cane, if you don't have one already.
  15. Mikeintx

    Mikeintx Well-Known Member

    Have you considered dressing as a pirate at all times?
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