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To all long time sufferers

#1
To all of you who have had suicidal thoughts and feelings for many, many years, how do you do it day by day...work, school, ‘life’’? I have ‘only‘ been at this for 3 Years and it is torture. Yes, I am in therapy...and have tried multiple meds. I adore my husband and children and simply cannot hurt them by harming myself so though I pray to die naturally (though I really do not want to die) in the interim how do I keep doing this...
Wish there was a suicide anonymous group somewhere...I am serious. I need weekly support but can’t afford my therapist at her weekly rate so I only go bi weekly.
 

Champagne

✯✯ Heart of an angel ✯✯
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#2
Could finding a new therapist that could see you weekly be better for you, do you think?

Did you end up going to the hospital last night?

I'm so sorry that you are suffering most days, life can be cruel sometimes. You're right, depression can be crippling and torture but one day at a time okay? You will find the answers within.

Inn general, how is therapy going for you? *hug
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#4
One day, one step, at a time, as @Champagne said. Try not to think so much of the painful past or anticipated future pain, just concentrate on staying in the here and now as much as you can manage, paying attention to your surroundings, your activities and the people around you, and moments of peace are sure to break though . Those moments are precious, so be alert to them when they happen because they are a foretaste of what the future can be. When painful memories surface just let them be, accepting they are there,without instinctively recoiling and trying to escape in your head. Concentrate on the feeling as a pure sensation, not on the narrative in your head, and it will fade into nothingness*hug
 
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Winslow

Antiquitie's Friend
SF Supporter
#5
In my case I go on a regular basis to the Clinic to participate in occupational therapy and social activities so they are a life-saver!
But it had taken me a very long time to get approved for the program. My therapist helped a lot with the process. As the saying goes--push till it gives.
 
#6
Could finding a new therapist that could see you weekly be better for you, do you think?

Did you end up going to the hospital last night?

I'm so sorry that you are suffering most days, life can be cruel sometimes. You're right, depression can be crippling and torture but one day at a time okay? You will find the answers within.

Inn general, how is therapy going for you? *hug
Could finding a new therapist that could see you weekly be better for you, do you think?

Did you end up going to the hospital last night?

I'm so sorry that you are suffering most days, life can be cruel sometimes. You're right, depression can be crippling and torture but one day at a time okay? You will find the answers within.

Inn general, how is therapy going for you? *hug
Hi...thank you for caring. I did not go to the hospital. came home, showered and went to bed. I am looking into some local support groups though I do not know if it should be specifically for suicide or my issues...ocd, anxiety, depression, ptsd...you name it I have it!
I think my therapy is going ok. This is my 3rd therapist. i have so much crap to process. I just cannot see myself being like this for the rest of my life. I am 62....I am supposed to be enjoying retirement....certainly not what I envisioned.😥
 

shattered dreams

My scars are healed, doesnt mean the pain is gone
#7
It's not easy, I've been suffering over 10 yrs now, with a few attempts.
I find that if I stay busy I can hold back the thoughts, but there never
really " gone ". for me I fight these feelings every day.
 

BarryW

SF Supporter
#8
You have asked a great question. How do I keep doing life day to day? I don't, really. I have thrown an increasing number of things on the "I can't handle that" pile and I do not like where my life is right now. For years I felt like I was standing behind myself pushing myself forward to go through whatever I had to do, which I didn't want to do (which was about everything), at work or whatever, but that feeling has disappeared. Now there is nothing pushing me forward and I have not done much this year. Some days all I did that was "productive" was to feed myself. Like you said, every day is torture. I frequently wish to just spontaneously die. The summarized answer is I guess the suffering increases over time, in my case anyway, and coping strategies or problem solutions are not keeping pace with the bad stuff.

What interested me in your post is that you mentioned you did not really want to die. What do you mean by that? It seems that there could be something important behind that statement.
 
#9
You have asked a great question. How do I keep doing life day to day? I don't, really. I have thrown an increasing number of things on the "I can't handle that" pile and I do not like where my life is right now. For years I felt like I was standing behind myself pushing myself forward to go through whatever I had to do, which I didn't want to do (which was about everything), at work or whatever, but that feeling has disappeared. Now there is nothing pushing me forward and I have not done much this year. Some days all I did that was "productive" was to feed myself. Like you said, every day is torture. I frequently wish to just spontaneously die. The summarized answer is I guess the suffering increases over time, in my case anyway, and coping strategies or problem solutions are not keeping pace with the bad stuff.

What interested me in your post is that you mentioned you did not really want to die. What do you mean by that? It seems that there could be something important behind that statement.
Sorry you feel the way you do but I totally get it. I have accomplished nothing this year either...though I do get up, get dressed, go to a part time job, etc. I look ‘ normal’ yet am far from it. I used to be only 3 short years ago.
I really don’t want to die...I adore my family and friends yet I have also hurt some of them and I hate myself for it. All this was caused by what someone did to me. Not making an excuse, or maybe I am, but trauma caused u characteristic behavior. I have,everything,,..family, money, friends, house...,yet I would give it all up to be myself again and that cannot happen so what is the use.
 

Champagne

✯✯ Heart of an angel ✯✯
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#10
Hi...thank you for caring. I did not go to the hospital. came home, showered and went to bed. I am looking into some local support groups though I do not know if it should be specifically for suicide or my issues...ocd, anxiety, depression, ptsd...you name it I have it!
I think my therapy is going ok. This is my 3rd therapist. i have so much crap to process. I just cannot see myself being like this for the rest of my life. I am 62....I am supposed to be enjoying retirement....certainly not what I envisioned.😥
Definitely do look into some local supports, I think because you are diagnosed with several illnesses that you should just look for mental health support groups, it will widen your search also and hopefully you will find some support groups out there, it could make all the difference.
I'm happy to hear that your therapy is going ok, keep working with that therapist whilst finding peer support as well, it might help to talk face to face with people who are struggling mentally too.

62 - you're young, you have many years ahead of you, keep getting the help now and you will have a wonderful retirement :)
 

Quietus

Well-Known Member
#11
I'm not sure. There were always certain fears that kept me from attempting. And always some vague hope of things getting better.

It's like the day-to-day crawls by tediously, yet I wake up and suddenly another year has passed me by. Another year that I was certain I wouldn't be alive. And yet I am.
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#12
I have,everything,,..family, money, friends, house...,yet I would give it all up to be myself again and that cannot happen so what is the use.
You haven't really lost yourself @Hatingmyselfdaily , just your awareness of who you really are. You are preoccupied with the disturbing thoughts in your mind, wrongly identifying yourself with them, but you are not your mind/thoughts, and the darkness is only temporary. Whereas your thoughts come and go, you are always present, and always have been, unchanging.

It's only our thoughts that change, and to solve the problems in the mind, you have to go beneath it to the one who is having the thoughts, the still, quiet centre that IS you. One moment is all it takes to "find" yourself, your centre, and every moment is a fresh opportunity. You will have unlimited opportunities. You can't find yourself in anything or anyone outside you, so turn your attention within, be aware of your own presence, unmixed with any self hating or other unwanted thought, and rest your mind in the silent, empty, stillness there. This is the peace we all need. The refuge from the pain of living is inside us.
 
#13
You haven't really lost yourself @Hatingmyselfdaily , just your awareness of who you really are. You are preoccupied with the disturbing thoughts in your mind, wrongly identifying yourself with them, but you are not your mind/thoughts, and the darkness is only temporary. Whereas your thoughts come and go, you are always present, and always have been, unchanging.

It's only our thoughts that change, and to solve the problems in the mind, you have to go beneath it to the one who is having the thoughts, the still, quiet centre that IS you. One moment is all it takes to "find" yourself, your centre, and every moment is a fresh opportunity. You will have unlimited opportunities. You can't find yourself in anything or anyone outside you, so turn your attention within, be aware of your own presence, unmixed with any self hating or other unwanted thought, and rest your mind in the silent, empty, stillness there. This is the peace we all need. The refuge from the pain of living is inside us.
What a beautiful post and what a beautiful person you are! This touched my heart and I will read it over and over again so that I can believe it about myself. Thank you!
 

Winslow

Antiquitie's Friend
SF Supporter
#15
It's like the day-to-day crawls by tediously, yet I wake up and suddenly another year has passed me by. Another year that I was certain I wouldn't be alive. And yet I am.
To respond to your statement that your daily life crawls by tediously, I should explain that there is a difference between repetitive and repetitious. Both refer to things that happen repeatedly, but repetitive simply means things that happen repeatedly whereas repetitious refers to a repeat that is boring. In my case I enjoy the things that are repetitive so they are not tedious to me at all. What exactly are the things that you find tedious??
 

Lac49

Active Member
#16
It's a good question. I wake up and lay there praying to die or to trade places with someone who has a happy life but is terminally ill. Then I give up after 30 minutes and get out of the bed. Guess I need to pray harder?

I take Klonopin 3x a day and somehow make it another day. It is miserable. Sorry that I don't have any answers
 
#17
It's a good question. I wake up and lay there praying to die or to trade places with someone who has a happy life but is terminally ill. Then I give up after 30 minutes and get out of the bed. Guess I need to pray harder?

I take Klonopin 3x a day and somehow make it another day. It is miserable. Sorry that I don't have any answers
I am sorry....I feel your pain. If my dr would give me klonopin I would take it as many times as possible but she will not give it to me...says it is too addictive. 😥
 

Quietus

Well-Known Member
#18
To respond to your statement that your daily life crawls by tediously, I should explain that there is a difference between repetitive and repetitious. Both refer to things that happen repeatedly, but repetitive simply means things that happen repeatedly whereas repetitious refers to a repeat that is boring. In my case I enjoy the things that are repetitive so they are not tedious to me at all. What exactly are the things that you find tedious??
??? Where did I mention either term?

Tedious: too long, slow, or dull; tiresome or monotonous. Synonyms include: boring, unexciting.

Repetitious is literally just another term for repetitive.
 

BarryW

SF Supporter
#19
@Quietus , here's my attempt to alleviate some of those question marks in your post.
Since you mentioned that your life was tedious, Winslow asked what exactly you found tedious.
One usage of tedious involves doing the same thing over and over, or as you might say: monotonous, and as Winslow might say: repetitive.
If you were thinking of this usage when you called your life tedious, then perhaps by sharing some specific items that are tedious with Winslow, they might have some thoughts of how to either add enjoyment to these tedious items or remove or delegate unenjoyed ones.

That's my interpretation of that post -- for what it's worth. I am not Winslow's official spokesperson. :)

Sending positive waves everyone's direction.
 

Lac49

Active Member
#20
I am sorry....I feel your pain. If my dr would give me klonopin I would take it as many times as possible but she will not give it to me...says it is too addictive. 😥
Thanks, I feel your pain too. I don't even think the Klonopin helps much. Exercise and staying busy works better. The hard part is getting up and going.
 

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