To all my people that passed away...

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by wibble, Feb 7, 2009.

  1. wibble

    wibble Well-Known Member

    Im sorry

    I lost my best friend Emily 5 years ago. She hung herself from a tree in her back garden. She did this because she got massive burns down her face from a car accident she was in. She was still the same beautiful girl to me she'd always been, but I never realised how much pain she was in. If I'd have been there for her she would be here today.

    I lost my Grandmother 4 days after Emily. She died in hospital a broken shell of a person. After my parents, she was the most important thing in the world to me. I should have dropped out of university to care for her like my friend suggested, thats what family is for.

    My good friend Tom died in a car crash last year. I wish it had been me instead of him. He was so full of life and fun, theres no justice him not being here in my place.

    My uncle Derek died a short while ago. I never got the chance to say what that week meant to me.

    I killed my best friend Mike 2 years ago. he cut his wrists and bled to death. I ran to his house, kicked my way in through a window and then ran an ambulance. If Id have rung it before running round, he could have made it. He died in my arms, me trying to hold his wrists shut. His mother blames me to this day, even to the point of having her husband and brother kick the shit out of me outside a nightclub.

    Im scared to get close to anyone. Everyone I care about ends up dead or turning away from me.
  2. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    :hug: I am so sorry for your loses. I don't really know what I can say to help ease your pain but I wanted to reply to your post, to give you a hug and to say none of them are your fault. The 'what ifs' can tear us apart please don't put yourself though that. I'm sure Emily knew of your friendship and she knew you accepted her as the person she was, sometimes friends can help us though but othertimes issues go deeper within and no matter how good a friendship is, the inner turmoil can become too much.

    Your gran may not have wanted you to drop out of university, did your parents help support her? I really don't think your gran would of held it against you for not dropping out of uni.

    You never know what's around the corner and life is simply unfair. Tom had positive traits but I'm sure you do also. Depression and self loathing can kind of mask them and make it impossible for you to see, but others can.

    Is there any change Derek knew how much that week meant to you? I don't know what happened in that week so I can't say much about it. Perhaps it will make you feel a little better to write him a letter, or light a candle for him.

    Whether you called the ambulance before you left your house or when you got to Mike's. You can't say for sure he would have survived. Arterial bleeds mean a lot of blood loss and the ambulance may not have got there in time regardless. His parents probably want someone to blame to help them with their loss. They most likely don't want to believe he killed himself, who wants to believe their child killed themselves. It's unfair for them to blame you but I hope you don't blame yourself. You did nothing wrong.

    You did nothing wrong in all the situations. Have you tried bereavement therapy? Perhaps it can help. :hug: