to all parents out there in regards to rape.

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by wheresmysheep, Jan 23, 2009.

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  1. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    would you want to know your eldest, only daughter had been raped?
    what about her dad molestong her, she confronting him and him denying it?

    also, what if you (the parent) had also been abused as a child and now you had to deal with hearing it from your child? is it better just to not say anything?

    i'm only wondering to try help her understand why i'm like this, as she keeps saying to me "you have no real reason for being like this..."

    also as a parent, why would you do such a thing? and then why deny it?????
    its not like you'd make it up for kicks!

    just want to know you thoughts thank you.

    and i would prefer parents thoughts, as my other thread, about rape victims who had said somethign, didnt get many responces.
     
  2. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hi hun . . .. i am a parent. mom of two sweet girls, 11, 16. if my daughter came and said (either one!) that she had been raped, i would ABSOLUTELY believe her (now. i am having to place myself in this position. this has not happened to me, re my kids. so i am trying to be as accurate as possible. ) and if she said her 'father' was doing this (to me it would not matter WHO it was,,,,,,they'd better run and hide from me) now i am not a violent person, but NO ONE is going to hurt my children. if they did they will have to face me at some point, and it will not be pretty!

    this is how i think i would react based on what you wrote. exception - i was never sexually or otherwise, abused as a child. if a parent WAS. and they then were confronted with their own child being abused/molested/raped. . . it might bring up THEIR past issues and cause them to 'shut down', to hide themselves in denial because it would be too painful for them to re-live their OWN abuse?

    this is off the top of my head, and from my gut. i am not a professional - i am a housewife and stay-at-home mom. i am very very much dedicated to my kids, which is why i am hanging here on the planet instead of checking out. can't hurt my kids . .. i hope you feel better, whatever is going on. . . . i care about you. big hug. ..
     
  3. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    Yeah i'm aware my mum could get all her past dragged up,thats one of the many reasons keeping me from saying anything,another one being that i DONT WANT any action taken upon any of the abuse.i just want her to understand that i do have reasoning behind all of this,so she will believe its not just me, as she says,being lazy and attention seeking :sad: ty for your reply though :hug:
     
  4. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hun i have been thinking about you. i'm sorry if my reply to you seemed like i was supporting your mom in this situation. re-reading my reply it may have seemed like i was giving her a 'pass'! no way!

    i would like to clarify, that, as a PARENT, we have a responsibility to put our children ahead of our OWN issues - whether that means facing and dealing with a past history of abuse, bad parenting, etc.

    your mom's responsibility is to listen to you and believe you and then do her best to try and help you.

    your own father did this to you - i am so angry to think of this. i cannot imagine it. that he would do it to you- then deny it to your face, is just unimaginable.

    are you, or have you had, counseling for this? it is very very important. i am afraid it will just stay there inside you and come out in bad ways later, and throughout your life. you are not reponsibile for this and you really need support to get healing. you are very courageous to confront your abuser....that shows your strength. and it shows that you want to move towards healing. that is so important.

    no matter what had happened in my own past, i WOULD like my child to talk to me about anything. anything. so as a mom - i wish you would talk to your mom. not giving any advice, just giving you feedback as a parent. that's all sweetie.

    most important thing is, taking care of YOU through all of this. please talk to someone, for sure, who will listen and believe you. there are rape crisis counseling centers nearly everywhere. i am here anytime if you need to talk. i care about you. :hug:
     
  5. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    This maybe in a few parts as i have a character limit. I understood you weren't defending my mum.so apologise if i upset you.i want my mothers support,but if i tell her she will completely cut me off from my dad, i know that sounds wierd,and i dont mean it in a oh i love him i must see him.i dont want to cut him off because regardless of what he did to me,it would be punishment to him and
     
  6. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    I dont want to enact any type of revenge upon him.he is a sick man,he cant even remember it,so it would just cause so many arguements with me in the middle,and regardless on how strong i come off.i cant handle shouting,i simply brake down and turn to mush.i've never recieved councilling for any of the abuse.i tried the rape crisis centre twice.but i just couldnt face it.i've never gone through
     
  7. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    Any of it with anyone.i keep it all locked up in a dark part of myself so i dont have to deal with it.and yes i have my flashbacks and bad moments but i just let it pass.i know its the wrong way of dealing with it.its already starting to ill affect me,but i just dont know. Getting help is easier said than done.and i WILL NOT go through the legal system at all.i refuse.
     
  8. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    i am still looking at stuff for you sheep xx
    meanwhile the crisis line may help you... some of them are excellent and at least over here most are run by fellow survivors xx
     
  9. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    as a parent of two lovely girls i would have to say i would like to be told, it would never change my view of them or my parental instincts to protect them.
    besides, and i may be spaeking out of turn here but i would gladly be sent down if anyone touches my girls.
    and i would never ever ever do anything to my girls like that.
     
  10. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    Andy,thank you for you reply,and may i just say,i was not accusing anyone here doing that to anyone let alone their own children. And i understand that the regular parent would be willing to near die for their children,but the regular parent would also believe their child if they were to say they have the will to die,and not laugh at their child and tell them to 'cop on'-meaning get some sense.
     
  11. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    So in saying that i'm sure you can understand my hesitation to tell my mother about my attacks and what i have been through.also my mother was there the night of one of the attacks and will probably pass it off as me being drunk and 'regretting' it. I just dont know.up till now i have just pushed it all aside saying i will never let it at me. I will never allow it to control me.but now it is.
     
  12. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    I feel disgusting because of it,like scum.i feel like a shadow of a person and the thought of all of it makes me want to rip the lump in my throat out i should not be hurt by any of this.none of it is my fault.but i let it affect me.for that and that alone, i am weak.
     
  13. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    you've got nothing to feel disgusted about, what happened was against your wishes and if your mother doesnt believe you then she aint no mum, but at least you have opened up and got it out, then maybe you can work on healing yourself.
    get rid of this burden you are carrying, you have our support and understanding hun.

    i realise this will be a hard thing to do but now is the time to put yourself first and sod the world.

    :hug:
     
  14. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Sorry, I've been out of touch for awhile - didn't see this question...

    I am a parent of 7 - 5 of which are wonderful daughters. I would want my daughter to come to me and feel she could recieve some level of comfort from me. Especially since I was molested and raped also, I would want to give her the support that I never got. Not all mothers are up to that - mine wasn't.

    Any disclosure must be gone into with the realistic knowledge that what happened wasn't your fault and someone else's responses - I.E. your mother's is not predictable. I wish I could give you a hug right now! What you are going through is awful....

    As far as removing contact with your father...if he is sick, you don't have to blame him and you are very strong if you are able to forgive him, but don't ever compromise your safety because you care for or are feeling sorry for him. You deserve to be protected! He did not reat you right. If I were your mother, I would want to make sure any interaction you had with him was safe.

    It is OK to both love and be angry - even hate the same person at the same time. You can wish him no evil one moment and want to pulverise him the next - that is normal.

    If you go to a counselor, you don't have to open up to everything at once...just get comfortable with him or her first, learn to trust - they must earn your trust....then and only then when you are in control, you can talk. You do need someone for you - to help you get through this.

    As a parent, your mother is human and her love for you will make her want to help and be there for you. She should be a loving, comforting, strong presence for you. Sometimes though, the reality is, that as much as she loves you, she was abused and married an abuser, if that is the case - unless she has gotten some help herself, she might not be strong enough to help you - even as much as she loves you. She still should know and be given the chance. Maybe this is a way of helping you both.

    Shining light on what has happened is the only way to clean it out. It is hard.

    Lots of hugs - wish I could help more.

    Take Care :hug:
     
  15. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    There are some great posts in this thread from everyone who has posted above, where'smysheep so I won't add anything more.

    :sad:I';m so sorry you're in this situation it sounds horrible and I do hear you. :hug:
     
  16. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    Thank you ggg.and ty for staying.i would miss seeing your cat. Things that have been said here are great, but i'm sure everyone can understand that things are always easier said than done. But thank you all none the less.i just dont know where to go from here.now i'm the lost sheep. :grouphug:
     
  17. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Take care...Just know there are many here who want to help.....

    You aren't totally alone
     
  18. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    :hug:

    I completely understand about things being easier said than done, especially when you're in the situation you're in. Maybe in time, things will become clearer for you, I know that it takes time for loads of people to distance themselves, confront whoever they need to, or open up about things like this....

    I'll be thinking of you and I'll put the cat up again for you (he isn't mine btw but he's as cute as the one in your avatar isn't he?)

    xx
     
  19. mixedemotions

    mixedemotions Forum Buddy

    I am not a parent my self, but I do know that my mother was also abused when she was a child...
    even though I know this, i could never tell my parents what i went through as a child...

    maybe she could help me, but I am still to afraid to say any thing
     
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