To be alone....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SadDude1980, Apr 28, 2008.

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  1. SadDude1980

    SadDude1980 Well-Known Member

    Being alone sucks. I know not everyone can relate to this or agree with it, but I know there are those that can, easily.

    I desire, crave and NEED someone to share my life with. My ups and downs with. The whole bag, both good and bad.

    As of now I have to continue on throughout this "life" with nothing. Call me spoiled, I know I have a lot of things most people don't. My parents love me, all my limbs function, I have a place to be...

    ... yet I feel so shitty. I've ached for someone to hold my head phyiscally through rough nights. I guess if I really wanted to I could pay a prostitute to do that and nothng else or lay my sob story on some drunk lady at a bar...

    but no. I go to work and come home like a drone. miserable. my wine the only thing to keep me company most of the time. I've been watching digital camera movies I took of my daughter recently and they've been chewing me up inside. I can't watch any pictures of my "partner" because that causes emotions so volatle and painful, I just can't go there. I pray for them both though :(

    I hate how it is this way. She could've just left. this protective order bullshit is beyond stupid. I've never hurt my daughter to have this thrown at me makes me so angry. How could God let his injustice be? Someone who themselves drinks to the point of vomitting when I tell them not to, someone who also sits upstairs with me of their OWN FREE WILL playing warcraft and leaving our daughter unsupervised in the basement playing. She smells like shit? She CALLS her a shit right along with me when she's being loud and impossible. if I"M a bad parent by her own definition then so is she. Especially saying in front of her she'd trade her for my brother's daughter.

    There are certain things you keep between each other rather than throwing out there for everyone to see. but no she wants to drag my name and reputation through the mud, I can do this as well.

    i have to deal with that. I have to deal with going to work everyday and being exhausted. I have to deal with coming home and living in my parent's basement again like I did when I was a teenager. And most importantly I have to deal with having nothing to brighten my days. Today was nothing but a long miserable Sunday just sitting here feeling like shit with nobody to talk to.

    I'm thinking about it... very seriously, that's all I'm going to say. Yeah I know the typical response, "stay strong, hang in there, you never know what tomorrow'll bring". No I don't know, but there's a high probability it's going to continue to be lonely and shitty as it's been for me for awhile now.

    I don't know what's scarier, death or the thought of being alone like this indefinitely? I think the latter. I really do. Take your shots, fire your arrows, I really don't give a shit, but it's on my mind. *bows* thank you for your time.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 28, 2008
  2. SadDude1980

    SadDude1980 Well-Known Member

    I'm getting worried, I don't know if I can do this much longer. All of this. It may not be tonight, but I have nothing positive to go to sleep on and that scares me :( Not even drunken fantasy. I have nothing tonight :(

    I hope God is kind to me tomorrow. I feel like a verry very thin thread is keeping me hanging on and it's about to break.

    kensotojr@hotmail.com - I'm still on messenger.

    What I'm beginning to think of in my head is scary. :( Maybe it's in the back of the line, maybe it means nothing, but this is the first time I'm playing throught the scenario of my method.
     
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  3. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    I know where you are right now in your life

    I've had those thoughts, still do sometimes, its a very very nasty place to be, I even acted on them once, many years ago, it was so close, but I came to see things differently, just in time

    I wish I could tell you things will get better, I wish I could repair you relationship with your partner and daughter, but I can't do that, there are no quick fixes or easy answers, I wish with all my soul there were.

    The trouble is, to find out what happens next, rightly or wrongly, you have to still be here to see it.

    Punishing others by taking your own life, is really just punishing yourself, you don't deserve, no one does, not even me, ok it might take time, a long time, but your daughter will grow up, you can have a relationship with her, be a good farther to her, ok it might not be ideal, but you can do the best you can given the way things have turned out, surely she deserves that, her mum can't take that away from her too can she ?

    No one lives in someone elses shadow for ever, not me, not you, not children, all any of us can do is try hard to be the best we can, no one can ask any more of us than that, its going to be hard, really hard, but surely you deserve that chance, from the little I have read about you, that seems obvious to me, don't let anyone try to make you think differently about that, no matter who they are, no parent is ever perfect, for kids, or should this read, for me, all I ever wanted was to know no matter what, someone one was there for me, to hold my hand and pick up the pieces, having lived a life as I child when that just wasn't true, or at least in my mind, thats not something, someone like me or you, would ever want to do.
     
  4. SadDude1980

    SadDude1980 Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Fatman, for replying. (I feel weird saying that lol)

    :( I just hate being without a partner more than anything else. my "partner" is done, obviously. My daughter's been yanked away too. That's the reason I got this job in the first place. That's where my passion to not only come to work, but do a good job busting my ass and doing it with a smile. But now I can barely just get myself here. BEING here is the most I can do right now. You remove what was driving me and motivating me to be here in the first place - making more money so my family and I can have an easier life - and I'm left with just coming here for the sake of survival and paying for the aftermath of my "partner"'s destruction.

    I don't know where my daughter is right now and can't find out because of the court order. Her old school won't tell me, I don't know who she's with, who's watching her, how she's doing. I just have to wait and in the meantime, I'm having to drag myself along in this now very meaningless existence.

    Tonight I get to go to a nice juicy 2 hour court ordered parenting class on how to be a better parent and let your kid know you're there for them. This class was ordered by the same judge who just seconds before decreed I'm to have no contact with my daughter. She's so wise as she is logical.

    Oh well, I exist till I don't think I can anymore for now. Yip + E....

    Prayers to those SF people I talk to on messenger just about everday though at least. I have some purpose beyond just being miserable after all. I hope I get to see my little tree monkey again too someday.

    I don't know what to say about my "partner". I have no thoughts at the moment, believe it or not. None. I think I'm still in shock.
     
  5. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Hi, Ken

    I can't imagine not being able to see my son or my daughter. I would be devestated. So sorry you're having to go through the experience, which, unfortunately, is the situation of many, many people.

    I'm learning right now that the wheels of the legal system are reluctant to grind. My daughter was raped six weeks ago, and those wheels are still stuck. Her assaulter is in jail, at least, on unrelated drug charges, so she doesn't have to deal with being afraid he'll come back. I hope for your sake that justice will continue to move until you again can see your daughter, whom you obviously love.

    In the meantime, I'd say that you're working more than just to survive. You're earning an income so that when the time comes when you see your daughter, and maybe even have a chance at custody, you'll be in a good position as far as the court is concerned. I know too well how hard it is to look at something like that which is far in the future. We want satisfaction today. We have to remind ourselves to get outside our depressed thinking and find the big picture. Incredibly easy to say, more incredibly hard to do.

    Jim
     
  6. SadDude1980

    SadDude1980 Well-Known Member

    Anyone around who wants to talk? I'm having another one of those nights =/ Got a full day of work tomorrow. Wednesday I talk to the attorney that was appointed to my daughter by the court to represent her. I guess since she's autistic and doesn't speak a word. She's 6 and wears diapers still. Poor pumpkin pie :(

    on Thursday I get to go to an alcoholic detox interview. And next week another court ordered parenting focus class. And gawd knows what else after that. My life is filled with all these stupid things that remind me of it all. Tonight at the focus class I was in agony after an hour, I couldn't stand listening to it anymore, "Seperation, divorce, being there for your child even though this same court said you legally can't" over and over and over it's like being tortured. Drains my already drained batteries to scary levels.

    I miss feeling loved. I miss intimacy. I miss a cozy little family at home in the evenings waiting for me at home. Sure there were problems, but I feel beyond crippled now. I spent most of my time in my old room down here at my parent's house. Just down here thinking, interalized, drinking, feeling wretched. Nothing positive on the horizon, just dreadful things.

    I'm in a sea, a churning pitch black icy cold ocean with waves crashing on me. My "wife" like jaws. A nasty mercilous giant shark lurking unforseen striking me at random tearing chunks of me away even though's already torn off so much. I'm barely keeping a float. I see vague land masses in the very very far off distance, but I'm not doing too well and don't know what they are. Good or bad. All that are coming up that I can see are more tests of my already broken endurance. I know in the long run keeping the job, doing my best, keeping alive for my daughter, etc are great. Call me selfish, but I dunno if I can do that.

    I know my daugher is a person and I Love her, but _I_ as a person, and I'm still a person too, feel crushed. feel like I'm getting crushed. As soon as I pick myself back up, or begin to, I got slammed back down by some unforseen attack. It's just like world of warcraft...

    I'm the guy sitting there with low hp, trying to eat and get his life back, my partner is a rogue who knows all my weaknesses because she used to be on my side, or I thought she was. She strikes when I'm at my weakest now, using all my weaknesses against me. Weaknesses she helped to push by buying the drink for me. Offering to buy it.

    I'm bad because I got drunk and challenged her to fight me but didn't actually touch her? What about the time she was yelling and cursing at those two hispanic gardeners at our old apartment and stepping to them? Two GROWN men, as far as I know she was sober. I'm sorry, she doesn't "fight she runs"? LMAO. Yeah in court, when it suits her she says that, but she'll get into fights with hispanic men watering the grass who look at her funny, get into fights with my sister law, get in my mom's face and yell and step to her. But me, Zomg, what a bully!

    More like what a chicken shit. I could never be married to such a heartless backstabbing spineless vile coward. Especially one who feels she's justified in legally kidnapping my daughter. I've discovered I have a lot of videos of my daughter when she's 5. Even then I was still filming her with the digital camera and taking pictures of her. pictures my "wife" uses against me in court. That judge needs to get off the crack, those pictures were stupid as they were irrelevant. "zomg, my daughter playing outside on a patio! this is where I was locked out". My gutless EX-attorney tried to object to that but the judge admitted everything and anything. My 'wife" could've brought in a rock and it would've been used against me.

    I filmed my daughter all the time, and had all kinds of pet names for her. My "wife" is guilty of calling her anything bad I've called her, including when she's being bad "a little shit". I know that's horrible, but it upsets me that she's only painting me as this horrible father when she herself is just as bad as I am if not worse. I may not have put her on the bus every morning, her mother did that, but I picked her up every afternoon. It was a trade off. For her to sit there and LIE and say I only changed her diaper when she took a dump - OUTRAGEOUS. how many time has she not changed her diaper when it got wet? How many times has she come home in a wet diaper cause the teacher didn't change it? I started trying to get up super early even to put her on the bus as well as pick her up in the afternoon's so my "wife" wouldn't have to get up at all in the morning.

    But no, I'M the asshole. Nobody sees what really goes on beneath the surface, they just see this drunken miserable guy who yells and curses at his "kind angelic loving wife". HA! Life can be such a pleasant fiction if you have a high enough level of denial. "I hate that you drink!!!... oh here you go, here's another bottle of wine, picked it up for you from costco even though you didn't ask me". I shit you not. I hate that thing. Now I have a feeling when I think of them. Hate and disgust on levels you can't even imagine.


    Lovely.


    I love this song right now. My favorite by a lot. Mine sounds a little different, but close enough.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QvepGKH4hds

    I think I may go for my walk of the damned soon before the stores stop selling my poison :(
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 28, 2008
  7. SadDude1980

    SadDude1980 Well-Known Member

    Keeeeeys!

    A good friend of mine in Chicago shouted this once with joy when he found his lost keys we spent over an hour looking for. I now know that same feeling lol. I went out for wine tonight and thought I lost my keys. Came back, nobody to talk to either. Coudln't find my keys anywhere. Turns out they were laying on the table I'm typing at now buried under a bunch of junk.

    Thank you God and Jesus for blessing me to find them. I'd really given up and started to despair with that happening on top of everything else.

    In the words of my good friend, C4: Keeeeeeys!

    :) first time really smiling tonight.

    -Kenny
     
  8. Re: Keeeeeys!


    Keeeeeeeeeyysss!!!! :biggrin:
     
  9. SadDude1980

    SadDude1980 Well-Known Member

    Thanks to those who help keep me afloat by talking to me on MSN during the day and especially during the night. Helps me so much. One such person told me something that's helped me to focus everything into one neat little package: Time will tell.

    Too true for my situation. I'm forced into a position of basically just having to wait and see. So be it then. by the way I'm so glad it's friggin Friday. I love work and all (gag) but bleh.

    Monday is my last parenting focus group thing. I'll be very glad to be done with that crap. It's more like a 2hour torture session than anything else.

    I think I'm doing a little better now. I hope this feeling stays, it's good to feel hopeful rather than spirit crushed all the time.

    Thanks to all those on MSN and here who've been supportive.

    I hope you all find your heart's desires one way or the other.
     
  10. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    I hope you really can hold onto your hope, Ken. It can be a fragile thing. When bad days come, you can look back on these feelings of hopefulness for strength.
     
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