Being alone sucks. I know not everyone can relate to this or agree with it, but I know there are those that can, easily. I desire, crave and NEED someone to share my life with. My ups and downs with. The whole bag, both good and bad. As of now I have to continue on throughout this "life" with nothing. Call me spoiled, I know I have a lot of things most people don't. My parents love me, all my limbs function, I have a place to be... ... yet I feel so shitty. I've ached for someone to hold my head phyiscally through rough nights. I guess if I really wanted to I could pay a prostitute to do that and nothng else or lay my sob story on some drunk lady at a bar... but no. I go to work and come home like a drone. miserable. my wine the only thing to keep me company most of the time. I've been watching digital camera movies I took of my daughter recently and they've been chewing me up inside. I can't watch any pictures of my "partner" because that causes emotions so volatle and painful, I just can't go there. I pray for them both though I hate how it is this way. She could've just left. this protective order bullshit is beyond stupid. I've never hurt my daughter to have this thrown at me makes me so angry. How could God let his injustice be? Someone who themselves drinks to the point of vomitting when I tell them not to, someone who also sits upstairs with me of their OWN FREE WILL playing warcraft and leaving our daughter unsupervised in the basement playing. She smells like shit? She CALLS her a shit right along with me when she's being loud and impossible. if I"M a bad parent by her own definition then so is she. Especially saying in front of her she'd trade her for my brother's daughter. There are certain things you keep between each other rather than throwing out there for everyone to see. but no she wants to drag my name and reputation through the mud, I can do this as well. i have to deal with that. I have to deal with going to work everyday and being exhausted. I have to deal with coming home and living in my parent's basement again like I did when I was a teenager. And most importantly I have to deal with having nothing to brighten my days. Today was nothing but a long miserable Sunday just sitting here feeling like shit with nobody to talk to. I'm thinking about it... very seriously, that's all I'm going to say. Yeah I know the typical response, "stay strong, hang in there, you never know what tomorrow'll bring". No I don't know, but there's a high probability it's going to continue to be lonely and shitty as it's been for me for awhile now. I don't know what's scarier, death or the thought of being alone like this indefinitely? I think the latter. I really do. Take your shots, fire your arrows, I really don't give a shit, but it's on my mind. *bows* thank you for your time.