To call or not to call?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by charmane, May 22, 2010.

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  1. charmane

    charmane Well-Known Member

    I'm hoping people on this forum can help me know how to act in my present situation. I have not been on the forum lately - needed a break- it's all so sad. My life is already one big horror show as it is.

    I have written about my 23 year old son. He is the one with the gifted (160) IQ but he has not done anything with his life. He started ok - going to away to college but even then he would come home every weekend (and often more) and tell us his living situation was horrible or his roommates were whacked out. He spent three years going away then coming home and taking classes here. Each time he was signing leases that he had to pay for even when he wasn't using the apartments. He also signed up for full loads of classes and then either got just a few or no credit for them.

    In short, he spent his whole college fund (that his grandfather set up for him) on booze, trips, cars etc. He has only held one job in his life and that one he just sat and surfed the net - no real effort. So, he has spent his college money far short of his degree and he really has no job experience to speak of. He also has alienated all his friends and he is now a full-blown alcoholic (we find many empty fifths in his room and he spends most waking hours in local bars).

    We told him last fall when he signed a lease and went back to college that he had to stay up there and only come home one weekend a month. We didn't know the extent of his drinking then and thought he just needed a push into engaging in his own life. Last Oct. he tried to hang himself (the shower curtain rod broke) and surrounding him were empty fifths and Xanax bottle. He was hospitalized for less than a week but it didn't help. In fact, things have gotten so much worse since then.

    Sorry for the long background but I wanted you guys to know what the situation is. He walked out of our home yesterday - saying that he "can't be in place where everyone thinks so little of him." I don't have time to go into the nightmare of living with him, the destruction, the abusive behavior, the constant threats of suicide. I have three other children and this has been just terrible for everyone. He told me he is going to leave and not to contact him at all. He wants a clean break and a chance to live age-appropriate life.

    The thing is - he has very few friends left, he doesn't have a job, he is out of money in his account, he is severely depressed and he is an alcoholic. As his mother I am in hell, thinking about him floundering out there just looking for a place to commit his final act. He told me he wants to save enough money to go to Zurich - where they allow people to kill themselves with doctors help for a mental disorder. He has threatened suicide at least five - six times a day for the last year.

    In the opinion of those on this board who have been there - what should I do? Should I continue to try to help or back off? Any input very much appreciated - I feel I damned if I do and damned if I don't. Thanks.
  2. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    You should definitely try to help him still. It may just take lots of talking and lots of pushing but you will eventually get through to him that he needs to go get help from a doctor and not the kind that will help him die. He probably expects people to just give up on him and its time to show him that you won't. Maybe convince him to go to rehab for his alcoholism. Its not too late for him to turn his life around.
  3. charmane

    charmane Well-Known Member

    Thank you - I needed to hear that. Some people in my life who know of this situation say to kick him out and let him figure it out for himself at his age. They say I am a "helicopter" parent for still obsessiing on his problems. But, they don't have experience with this kind of depression and addiction. I keep thinking I just have to get him through another day and that is the day it will change for him.
  4. shazwackers

    shazwackers Well-Known Member

    He really needs you to stick with him.............I'm really sorry that you and your other children have had so many worries with him, but at the end of the day you may be all that he has left, as he's probably pushing everyone close to him away, not just hang in there no matter how much he tries to push you away.....
  5. charmane

    charmane Well-Known Member

    Again, thanks. It is every mother's instinct to do just that. But, so many are criticizing us for this. My own parents were always kicking my younger sister out - she was anorexic and bulemic and we went through a lot with her. My parents never got over the fact that they had to talk to social workers, psychologists etc. They considered this a sign of weakness.

    Now, they are constantly harping at me about how I messed him up because we were too permissive, spoiled him, didn't make him go into the military etc. They are complete control freaks and I just couldn't bring up my own kids the way we were brought up. I swear, I couldn't pick out my own socks until I was 18 because they monitored everything and made all the decisions for us. It took a long time to get strong, to set boundaries. Now, with all this chaos (and they live close to me) they are butting in again. They are elderly now and I'm trying to be patient but it is very hurtful.

    He did come back today and we sat down and had a long talk with him about his drinking and his plans. I felt it went well but this afternoon he took off again and I'm afraid he might be at the bar. We helped him lay out several plans he could implement but all of them call for him to throw out the booze completely. We offered him rehab but we know from experience with other family members - he has to be ready to accept it. I feel better knowing that we got it all on the table and it is up to him to decide the path he wants to take.

    All I know is that we can't go on like this. He is drowning in it as well and if he stays here for a while he can't drink in our home, he has to work and he has the option to continue in school. He can't just keep sleeping until 2, hung over every day and getting blasted every night, coming home and ripping up the place. I appreciate the support from everyone here and I will keep working on helping him to a better place.:hugtackles:
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    charmane I understand what you are going through totally....I lost my son to suicide......
    support him as much as you can even when he tries to push you away...that's the depression doing that..
    take no notice of what anyone (parents, friends) says you do what you think is the right thing for you and your son.....they don't understand what you're going through....ignore them...
    my son hit the alcohol too for self medication I think....he always swore he wouldn't drink but as he couldn't cope he started to drink more and more....
    I don't want to kidnap your if you want to pm please do...
    take care *hugs*
  7. frostbitten1997

    frostbitten1997 Account Closed

    I agree,keep showing him that u care,keep tring to help him as much as you can,but dont forget about yourself.u have to take care of u so you can be strong for him.I think he really needs to get his drinking under control,then the rest will be much easier to deal glad u havent given up on him,you are a very good mom
  8. zonenine

    zonenine Member

    Ive had a sister living w me who is not functional, has been a drug addict for years.After finally putting her out, she promptly, sadly, cunningly switched to shooting dope for 3 weeks(some one did it for her, she couldnt even shoot up)Now shes on methadone, bemoaning a non existant craving for heroin and back living here.

    Lisa has told everyone I was abusive to add insult, and promptly rushed back to the safety of being taken care of here again, where she has resided 4 years, never having done more all four years but get high till she lost all her pain management priveleges.

    It came to a head again, and shes moving to supportive housing now, can only live supervised.The next youngest sister is currently in hospital fron a meth related auto accident, daughter gone and a state ward.

    Mom is already dead from depression, demerol, and drinking.

    I support and love them all to the best of my abilities, which ususally is best served I just cook Lisa a meal, or call the hospital where Laura is literally being restrained.(she wont talk to me, I am part of the reason her daughter was taken.)I am sad I cant live with Lisa anymore, but I already am as suicidal as all of them put together, and none of them has ever wanted any of the help if it involved taking away drugs, bottom line.

    I would find Mom too drunk and tell her I won't speak to you till you get help.It worked about 10 times over the years too, made me very happy.But the last time I said it, she died before we made up.Im always gonna feel real sorry bout that one, but you always had to force Mom and the girls to get help or they wouldnt.

    Life can be so unbearable, but I don't regret a moment of kindness I offered them instead of anger, I wish I could offer more kindnesses, they dont know how to accept it.I still made Lisa her favorite meatloaf today, and I am happy I did that, cause life is ending fast for her, and she sits with her head down nodding all day.Knowing which ways to help is tricky, but they have certainly taught me alot.
  9. charmane

    charmane Well-Known Member

    Thank you frostbitten. I agree that his drinking is such a big part of all of this. Unfortunately, he doesn't agree. He denies that he is dependant on alcohol in spite of the overwhelming evidence to the contrary. It is so hard to be strong in the face of such pain, lethargy and despair every single day.

    Like I mentioned, he is one of four and it is so hard to keep dealing with the insurmountable problems of the one, while pushing everyone else's needs to the back burner. He left again today, screaming that he would kill himself and that he never had the advantages of other peopole he knows (the ones who finished school and have decent jobs). How can he think that? We aren't rich but very comfortable and he had a trust fund that he has basically wasted away. Don't know where he gets this stuff from.
  10. charmane

    charmane Well-Known Member

    Oh, I'm so sorry about all you are going through. You have had multiple people in your life that you have had to be caretaker for. The power of addiction is so hard to understand. You would think that when they hit rock bottom they would try to turn things around. But, like my son tells me, it's too late, it's too hard now. Understand that he is not in the position of your sisters at all. He is only 23, most of the way through college with a really good degree, and he has an intact, loving family (including many in the extended family that have offered help).

    He still chooses to get soddenly drunk every day, and continue in his abusive, destructive existence. He has completely robbed our family of any peace and a normal family dynamic. I can forgive that if he would at at least try. He refuses and again today told me to "go F myself." I am afraid of him now when he gets so drunk (and I think takes drugs at times). He becomes so angry and irrational - I think about the stories you hear about people that go bezerk and kill their families. He hates his sister so much because she is successful in school and has a good job. Sometimes, I wonder what he is capable of - the way he shoots daggers at her.

    Please take care of yourself - you have given so much. I wish we had supportive housing here but there isn't anything like that, at least that I know of. If he would enter rehab - he might be able to get help from the government while he gets back on his feet. But, he told me he would rather kill himself than do either, so that's where we find ourselves today. He is so bright - off the charts verbally - but that also means he can talk his way out of situations. He has had more than one therapist snowed and they look at us like it's our problem and not his. So Sad.
  11. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Following a drug problem, my brother was pretty much abandoned. He somehow managed to turn his life around, but very few people would be able to do that. I think that he would probably end up killing himself if you threw him out. You're right about him having to be willing to accept help.
  12. charmane

    charmane Well-Known Member

    Thanks Adam for sharing this story. It gives me hope to hear that your brother was able to to turn things around for himself and on his own too. I haven't kicked my son out or abandoned him but he is threatening to leave anyway and I hope and pray if he does - it will turn out like your brother. We do things for him still, like pay his car insurance, his cell phone bill and his gym membership (that he never uses, he'd rather go to the bar) but we have run out of money for college and certainly can't pay his rent for him. I will continue to offer him treatment for his drinking and his depression but so far he says he would rather die than go back to counseling. Maybe life will teach him something as he tries to strike out on his own.
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