don't feel sorry it's not your fault, Im just being honest. Loneliness is killing me and this girl in one of my classes I thought liked me really didn't I guess, which makes me feel horrible and amplifies that loneliness. I dream too hard, and then reality wakes me up and really hurts me, it's what I noticed that has happened throughout my 17 years of life. I met a girl in grade 10, which is about 2 years ago, I didn't expect her at all. I don't know if you can call it love, but I was addicted to her and then I messed things up because of jealousy. And really, I can't blame anyone else for the things that happened in my life, it was all my doing. Like at school, I just choose to be alone, I don't bother interacting anymore, I avoid class presentations and I feel horrible but it feels so right. My inability to maintain a normal conversation with people in real life because of the thoughts that go through my head kill me too. What makes me sad is that Ive had so many opportunities to change my life around, but for some reason I took the no path. I don't know why, I guess mainly the way I think screwed things up. I really wish for things to change, but I can't complain... just another victim of the game. Last night I just smoked weed, I haven't in like 2 weeks before last night. I thought stopping would change things, but it is all in my head. I really believed I could change(another tendency of dreaming too hard) but I can't take these thoughts out of my mind. Who was I kidding, I am so afraid. I can't find any reason at all not to not care. Im angry inside, but am not looking to bother anyone. Grade 12 for me is just finishing up and then I have to go to college in September. I told my parents I didn't know what I wanted to do for college, yet they have forced me to go because they don't want me doing nothing with my life. I am honestly scared of going to college and the future. I don't know what to expect and I feel like Ill be lonely even more. I dont feel like I want to go through with life, everything I had to live for is gone. I try hard to forget about the first girl so I won't bring her up again. And I really thought me and girl(not the old girl) in the class who I thought liked me would have some really cool happy ending and I would fall in love again but again I was kidding myself. I mean I didn't know what to do. At the beginning of the year when we first met we stared deep into each others eyes and talked to each other. For the first 3 weeks, I thought my life was going to change because everyday we would always stare at each other and smile. I was uncertain at first what to do, like whether to approach her or something. In the end my anxiety took over and I only approached her a few times and the times I did I was at a loss for words. I really didn't know what to say. Then things became awkward and now it's like I don't even exist to her. It kills me, to know it's my fault. I appreciate if you gave the time to read all this.