To daisychain

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Angelo_91, Jun 7, 2009.

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  1. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    don't feel sorry it's not your fault, Im just being honest. Loneliness is killing me and this girl in one of my classes I thought liked me really didn't I guess, which makes me feel horrible and amplifies that loneliness. I dream too hard, and then reality wakes me up and really hurts me, it's what I noticed that has happened throughout my 17 years of life. I met a girl in grade 10, which is about 2 years ago, I didn't expect her at all. I don't know if you can call it love, but I was addicted to her and then I messed things up because of jealousy. And really, I can't blame anyone else for the things that happened in my life, it was all my doing. Like at school, I just choose to be alone, I don't bother interacting anymore, I avoid class presentations and I feel horrible but it feels so right.

    My inability to maintain a normal conversation with people in real life because of the thoughts that go through my head kill me too. What makes me sad is that Ive had so many opportunities to change my life around, but for some reason I took the no path. I don't know why, I guess mainly the way I think screwed things up. I really wish for things to change, but I can't complain... just another victim of the game. Last night I just smoked weed, I haven't in like 2 weeks before last night. I thought stopping would change things, but it is all in my head. I really believed I could change(another tendency of dreaming too hard) but I can't take these thoughts out of my mind. Who was I kidding, I am so afraid. I can't find any reason at all not to not care. Im angry inside, but am not looking to bother anyone.

    Grade 12 for me is just finishing up and then I have to go to college in September. I told my parents I didn't know what I wanted to do for college, yet they have forced me to go because they don't want me doing nothing with my life. I am honestly scared of going to college and the future. I don't know what to expect and I feel like Ill be lonely even more. I dont feel like I want to go through with life, everything I had to live for is gone. I try hard to forget about the first girl so I won't bring her up again. And I really thought me and girl(not the old girl) in the class who I thought liked me would have some really cool happy ending and I would fall in love again but again I was kidding myself. I mean I didn't know what to do. At the beginning of the year when we first met we stared deep into each others eyes and talked to each other. For the first 3 weeks, I thought my life was going to change because everyday we would always stare at each other and smile. I was uncertain at first what to do, like whether to approach her or something. In the end my anxiety took over and I only approached her a few times and the times I did I was at a loss for words. I really didn't know what to say. Then things became awkward and now it's like I don't even exist to her. It kills me, to know it's my fault. I appreciate if you gave the time to read all this.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    ((Angelo)) :hug:

    I'm sorry you're feeling so lonely. How do you know this girl didn't like you? Did she say that?
    I think you should start interacting with your classmates more even though it won't feel right, in the long term you'll feel better for it and not be so lonely. Isolating yourself will only worsen your depression.

    Why do you smoke weed? Does it make you feel better? Does it kill the pain?
    I'd suggest you find healthier ways to cope hun, such as forcing yourself out there, to meet new people and join in conversations. Sometimes we just gotta push ourselves that extra bit.

    I think you should give college a chance. I never went to college and I regret it so much.

    Also,are you on any medication for your anxiety? are you seeing a therapist?

    I hope things improve for you soon.
    :hug: Daisychain xxx
  3. Mightbehere

    Mightbehere Well-Known Member

    I'm lonely too and have issues with it, I guess the best advice I can give is get comfortable with yourself, that way if other people don't like you at least you like you.
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    The fact that your parents are forcing you to go to college doesn't seem right. My parents did the same thing; and because I didn't want to be there, I didn't even try (and so obviously, I failed).

    I know they're doing it for the right reasons. And it really can work out if you're willing to put something into it.

    But if you REALLY don't want to be there, it might be worth talking to them again, or even to a guidance counselor that might be able to give you some ideas. Going to college is something you should do if you WANT to; that's the only way it will work.
  5. reefer madness

    reefer madness Account Closed

    I wish my parents pushed me to go to college, or even to finish high-school. What else are you going to do if you don't go to college? I was forced to get a job but didn't have any skills so I worked mostly dead-end jobs.
  6. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    I'm a hypocrite, I don't want to get better, I don't want change. I don't want anything to do with other people. I just wish there was a way I could die. Im so certain, nothing can change my mind.
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You stated you were afraid to go to college. Maybe look at it in a different way. People at college do not know you or any of the issues that others have identified you with these past years. It is a place to get a fresh start. When you settle in to the area you want to concentrate on, you are surrounded by those with the same interests. It i a totally different world than high school. Sometimes we are so afraid of the unknown that we would rather stay miserable than face it. Don't fall into that trap. Give it a chance. :hug:
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Don't give up Angelo. Keep talking, and keep reaching out for help.
    You have a lot of support here, we'll try and help you through this.
    You can PM me anytime xxx
  9. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hey hon. you received lots of good advice here. as gentlelady wrote, you will be getting a fresh start in college.

    sometimes parents can be royal pains. but looking back, i see that the things my parents insisted upon and forced me to do/try, were the areas i achieved the most growth and later, happiness, in doing.

    you have nothing to lose, by trying college.

    go. try to create the life that you want for yourself

    you are strong and courageous for posting this. thanks for sharing, and please keep us posted on your successes : )
    pm if you'd like a chat
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