To damn ugly

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Raeien, Jan 23, 2008.

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  1. Raeien

    Raeien Member

    Hello.

    This is my first time writing on these kind of forums, and im kinda nervous.
    I'm 15 year old boy, and i been having these suicidal thoughts a long time now. First i want to say, i have a great family. They really care about me.
    I really miss when i was young, before i started at high school. Me and my friends had so much fun, and no one cared how eachother look.
    But when i started at highschool i moved to a different place. Things seem'd to be ok. a year after i moved i started being called things. and it really hurts. I did my best to fit in, but i never managed.
    I really hate the way i look, i wont give too much details, but i got white skin, and frickles. I dont mind that, because i know it can go away if i sun myself more. Im sorry about whining so much, but i really need to let this out, it been on my mind for so long. and i really dont dare to tell anyone about it. I can't even look at people's faces anymore, when i walk, people stare. For about a week ago, even the busdrivers was staring and pointing at me, when they thought i didnt see. And that really pissed me off, in a sad way. I lost every small confident i had. and when i walk at school, i can hear people whisper how ugly i am, even girls. I really cant stand this anymore, the way i look is permanent, and it will never go away.
    Thats not the only thing, the look make me loose confident, and i been away from school so much, because i dont dare. and now my life is fucked up, because i wont be able to get any job with these grades, and my days gone. I use to look at internet, at people and tv to see if anyone is uglier than me, and not even ONCE ive seen it. you know how that feel? being the ugliest person in the world.. Ill stop the complaining now, sorry. just so depressed.
    I say to myself that i wont start at college. because i simply dont dare to show myself public anymore. if i do, ill sure kill myself. and i might do when the schoolyear is over.

    I wrote a bit much, sorry about that :(
     
  2. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    First things first Raeien..Welcome to the forum. Don't ever feel that you cannot offload or vent on here...This place has been keeping me sane for weeks...

    You are always your harshest critic Raeien..You can never see any good that others see in you...You always criticise yourself far more than you would ever accept from others..I think this has always been the way.

    Don't bow out just yet..Stay around, share what is on your mind and you'll find that others will understand..
    I'm glad you found the forum.
     
  3. D3ath

    D3ath Well-Known Member

    Completely agreed. People have different views you are your harshest critic, you may find your self ugly but in an other persons view they mind find you beutiful.
     
  4. Raeien

    Raeien Member

    thanks for the reply. but i've decided ill end this life, i cant handle it anymore, i really cant. paracet wont kill me instant, i know it will take time, and it will hurt, but the result is worth it. Also thinking about plastic bag, end it quick.
     
  5. LILICHIPIE

    LILICHIPIE Well-Known Member

    nah paracet will make u feel sick and throwing never kill urself
    when u read about these liver failures thats true but to a dose you will never be able to swallow because ull be throwing it
    as said previously Looks are not objective
    I m not bragging about this; but look; i was told by some ple that I look kinda pretty; still ive been suicidial and will end it soon
    Looks dont buy happiness as u can see
     
  6. ggg456

    ggg456 Guest

    Hi Raeien

    I do hear how you feel bad about your appearance and how low you're feeling. :hug: Those people who you think are talking about you- what do you think they are saying?

    Do you get on with your GP?

    All that school stuff must be getting you down, being left far behind and feeling so persecuted. With a plastic bag you might just end up brain dead and on a life support machine...think carefully before you do anything as you attempts might end in damage that you can't rewind.

    As for your freckles, and people teasing you, do you have a teacher you could confide in and share what you're going through? You are going through a lot. But I want to tell you something- at your age I had a huge crush and was borderline in love with someone who had freckles- she was beautiful- you never know, there are people out there who will find you incredibly attractive when you're older, maybe not now as you're in an environment full of bullies who have their own insecurites going on- and those girls are just a small group of girls in the world. Not all girls are like that. If you imagined yourself completely outside of school, those girls and those bullies, television, imagine yourself completely separate from everything people have told you- maybe you'd feel differently about yourself?

    I have been through that insecurity when everyone is 'all over' each other at school and you feel unsure of yourself. But there will be a time when what you're going through will ease off a bit, where how you look won't be such a huge issue..although given your environment at the moment, it's completely understandable how you feel the way you do.

    As for your grades, lots of people retake their exams. Lots of people retake and get the grades they need. You have lots of options available to you.

    What do you think about sharing what you're going through with a teacher? Or perhaps your GP? Or perhaps a parent, seeing as you feel cared for by them? If you can't talk, writing your feelings down is perfectly okay. You don't need to go through all this alone.
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2008
  7. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    buddy i understand exactly how you feel, because i feel the exact same way about myself.. when i was in high school the same thing happened to me, which is y i dropped out and just got my ged instead..i thik a lot of high schoolers are just jerks. immature, little jerks. i hated them, i hated them all. college is different though, at college everyone is much more mature, and minds their own buisness. its a different mindset alltogether. and i think youll enjoy it..but i know what you mean, for the longest time, i wouldnt even leave the house because i was told every single day how ugly i was, i pretended to be sick, or did whatever i had to to get out of being at school.
     
  8. Melmoth the Wanderer

    Melmoth the Wanderer Well-Known Member

    I think I'm ugly, too. My mother never once told me I was pretty or beautiful, even though I often heard her say so to my sister. Sometimes my dad would scrutinize my face and say, "You know, you'd be kind of cute if you'd..."

    I've been mistaken for a man more than six times in my life (I stopped counting at six because it just got too depressing). The worst thing about me being mistaken for a guy was that every time it happened, I was wearing my hair down (which means it was touching or past my shoulders). I know some guys have long hair, but this isn’t the sixties, and it’s become rather rare.

    I'm freakishly pale, but I got badly sunburned a few years back, and I'd rather be pale than have skin cancer. I have both dry and oily patches on my face, and my nose is usually flaky and oily at the same time. I've had acne since I was eleven, and nine years later, it's barely slowed down at all.

    I'm overweight, and I have been since I was a toddler. I didn't even know it was a "problem" until my mother suddenly asked the doctor about it when I was nine. I was anorexic for a couple of years and technically at a "healthy" weight, but I was hungry all the time and I thought of nothing but food. The only good thing about being thin was that I didn't sweat as much. Everything else was the same or much worse.

    I wear make-up now and I have a nice haircut, so people are much nicer and more polite to me than they were before. I find, though, that I only resent people more for being so stupid and shallow now than I did before make-up.

    I wish the handful of people who notice me now would just stop it. I know that if I wiped off this thin layer of paint on my face, they would recoil in horror. It's ridiculous and pathetic.

    …Sorry to rant. I'm not in the best mood right now. I'm truly sorry about your pain and suffering, though.

    Have you ever considered taking boxing or martial arts? I found that those kinds of things helped me feel like I could stick up for myself when others put me down. I didn't use any of it on them, of course, but it was nice to know that I could hold my own if need be.
     
  9. LILICHIPIE

    LILICHIPIE Well-Known Member

    I just thought about something

    Why not homeschooling
    That could be a solution even tho it wont solve your self confidence problem;
    you at least wont suffer from disrespectful comments and will start to work on yourself
    theres always a solution regarding non objective facts
     
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