To die or not to die that is the ?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lifesux, Sep 8, 2006.

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  1. lifesux

    lifesux Member

    I was sleeping in the basement and woke up to my mom screaming there is a FIRE- I thought o good Ill just stay down here and die. But after 30 seconds of deciding wether this was my out. I got up and opened the door and this big plum of smoke overcame me and I crawled out to the front door. As I sat there with my mom- (who was hysterical at this point) I debated wether I made the right decision. The fire was a grease fire, she put on some new bacon called Blazzin bacon (seriously -thats its name) and she went outside and forgot about it. Anyhow after 10 minutes waiting for the FDept. They put it out - the damage was mainly to the kitchen but everything had to be taken out of the house because of smoke damage- We have been living in a Holiday inn for the past 3 weeks. This hotel happens to be the MEPS headquarters= Military inlistment prossessing station- anyhow there are new 18-25 men/women enlistments that come every night, and sometimes their faimlys are there to say there goodbyes. While I do respect there future service to this country I, think yeah when you get out of basic, your ass is heading to iraq and youll probly die- Which sounds like a good idea for me, but I already have a bad back and knee with no cartlidge so I cant enlist- but the recruieter still trys to get me to join up. Well durin the first week there, I went got 2 beers and went to sit in the hottub, and decided Im going to stay in here till I pass out and drown. There wasnt anyone down there, and after about 35-40 minutes I was half unconsious and still sitting up, this lady came over and yelled at me to get up and jump in the pool, which I did. I was beat red and probly had a minor heat stroke-who knows.
    I have been on Seroquel =600mg at night. and in the morning I have been taking lamictal. Ive tried everything from paxil to lexapro to serzone, and this current combination is the only one I can tolerate- even though I still feel hopeless, I dont get upset anymore and damage things, or threaten others, the doctor just upped the lamictal today, and said to go down to 450mg of seroquel as I sleep half the day, and he thought it might be the seroquell since I was on a high dose. I still cannot fathem going back to work- I have worked for my extended family for the past 8 years and Im literally sick of them ,and the type of (rich- IM better than you) type of customers we cator too. I eat, but dont eat very much at each sitting but, I still manage to put on weight, I guess its because of the drugs. I remember the last time I was in a crisis-help center, they said to get 1/2hr-40minutes of excersise a day, To try to stave off depression. I have been walking on the treadmill at the hotel, but the other day decided to walk around a nearby lake, which has a trail, there were two separate occasions where I was verbally occosted. Iam always bymyslef so I guess people interperate that Im a freak or because of the way I look. I hate everything about me. But I want companionship. Then another day I visited a healthclub that Im paying $50 dollars a month for and havent been in 2 months, anyhow I said hi to 3 differnt women and 2 didn't even look at me and walked by and another one just gave me a hidious stare. The only one who said hi, is the girl behind the counter, but that is her job. I have even tried the online thing- but as soon as I start talking to them and they find out I still live at home they dont respond back. And the ones that do still talk, are fakers- they want me to send them money to russia or affrica. Then I get a call from one of a few friends that I ever had that I havent seen in over 5 years. He came into work and he found out I wasnt working and called to see how Was doing. It did feel good to hear from him, he said he got married and they have a 9 month old daughter. I felt very pleased to hear that he is happy with his life, but at the same time evil, jealous feelings overwhelmed me= I wanted what he now has. As my previous post spells out- I have always had trouble with socializing, with anyone. The only people who I ever felt comfortable talking too are the elderly. My sister who is 17 now, Im 26,(Ive been told I look way younger than Iam), has many friends and they have kindof adoppted me as a friend too. But one of them I have to be carefull of because she too, is depressed and she has a crush on me and recently she was alone with me in a room and she wanted to talk about sex. So I got up and left because I know where she is heading with that...and I deffently dont want to be on a sexoffender registry. So anyhow, I know everyone has his/hers problems, I just felt the need to vent. Thanks for reading!
     
  2. dark_thought

    dark_thought Guest

    Thanks for the post. This person who has a crush on you sounds like she might be going through the same thing - maybe you should talk to her about it.
     
  3. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

     
  4. joce

    joce Active Member

    Hi, it's good to get it off your chest. Whenever I go to the doctor I always hope he's going to say it's terminal but it never is. When I was young I used to hitch hike hoping I would get murdered, but being in England everyone just wanted to see that I got home safely. We will all go out of here dead in the end. Why not try and make it to your natural end. I know life is hell sometimes but keep on talking - you are not alone in your feelings. Try and work out how to cope with this illness. I have become a recluse and just cut the world off some time ago. This is not a good thing for someone young but at least I think I will be able to go naturally. Of course I get days when I just want to end it but then tell myself to wait another day, week, whatever. You can get through it I know. The people on this forum do care what happens to you.
     
  5. Xian

    Xian Well-Known Member

    I read your story and I just wanted to say my thoughts and prayers are with you today. You're still young, you still have a lot if time to grow and change and heal. We all do. And yeah there's a lotta bullshit when people such as us (the socially anxious!) try to connect. But I think that it's worth it when you do get it.

    So keep going, take care, God bless, think of pretty things etc etc
     
  6. Milkdrops

    Milkdrops Well-Known Member

    What is it about you you think makes you look different? like is it the way you dress or what? Just tryin to get more insight on you is all.

    I'm nearly 26 and just as f**ked up actually probably worse. I'm at the point where i'm actually strongly beleiving in god and asking for his help but he wont seem to come and at least talk to me. Maybe he will I dont know. I even thought about somehow inducing a NDA (near death experience) to meet him and talk to him possibly try and get some answers or help. Then being "Brought back" It all sounds crazy but its what i've turned out like lol. Thx for Readin all.
     
  7. kestrel

    kestrel New Member

    You sound very likable to me...

    smart and genuine. I'm a guy who when I was about your age had trouble getting dates but was well liked by the second or third date. Finding a girlfriend is never easy. Too many have boyfriends or their own fears. Don't take it too personally. I think things will get better for you. Stay away from depressed girlfriends --- for your good and theirs. Find some happy individual who will appreciate you for who you are and then treat her well. And remember, an average looking women who has herself together and likes you is the real deal. (Don't fall into the trap of only being interested in those who look great on the outside.) Trust me, average looking girls can make your day. Just as you'll make theirs.
     
  8. lifesux

    lifesux Member

    The thing is she has a crisis herself. She had a boyfriend of 1 yr and he cheated and broke up with her and she went through the cutting with razors, she is also severly deppresed like me and I have talked to her, told her she is lucky to have had a relationship, as I never have.
     
  9. lifesux

    lifesux Member

    TLA.......- Im glad to hear the meds are working for you, I agree I really dont think the lamictal is doing anything, I think its mainly the seroquell that is the workhorse. I have never tried cybalta, I too have been through crying phases but lately IM just angry

    Joce..... I know what you mean by going to the doc and hoping its terminal,a few years back I insisted on going to several neuraolgists to say i hade a brain tumor and, that is why Im so differnt. 2 mris, and 1 cat scan later (over a few years apart they said I was normal. I too consider myself a recluse- I dont want to be, its hard too change.

    xian......thats what the doc keeps saying= (still young enough to move on) every year I say oh next christmas Ill have girlfriend to have and hold..I missed out on the younger years of social mingling and dating so Im trying to learn the social cues and flirting. Ive "only" kissed 3 girls in my life and thats as far as Ive gone. :( also im afraid of getting diseases.

    Milkdrops.....What I hate about me = My face, especially my nose. I had surgery on it a few year back because it was broken, and the doc made it kindof effeminate, not the roman nose it was, plus after surgery I fell on a piece of glass and it made the rite side of my nose have blood streaks,(like tiny red veins showing) and they tried lasering it out but they said it is called blotching of the skin and cant laser it. Plus Im balding bad, and my voice has never sounded masculane, for a 6ft guy. and Since Im so insecure about myself I dont emmit any confidence and I know thats why girls ignore me.

    Kestrel....Im not really going after the 8-10looks wise of girls Im after the 5,6,7 girls and they dont even give me the time of day. And when on occasion they say something beyond HI, I have a difficult time conversing, and they usually just walk off and I feel horrible. I want somebody so bad, adn I have gone to a bar 2 times and felt very uncomfortable and noone talked to me..I was just laughed at...Ive even went to a strip club before with a no-longer friend and the strippers even avoided me and I was flashing money....used to go to church but have a falling out with god lately...
     
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