I was sleeping in the basement and woke up to my mom screaming there is a FIRE- I thought o good Ill just stay down here and die. But after 30 seconds of deciding wether this was my out. I got up and opened the door and this big plum of smoke overcame me and I crawled out to the front door. As I sat there with my mom- (who was hysterical at this point) I debated wether I made the right decision. The fire was a grease fire, she put on some new bacon called Blazzin bacon (seriously -thats its name) and she went outside and forgot about it. Anyhow after 10 minutes waiting for the FDept. They put it out - the damage was mainly to the kitchen but everything had to be taken out of the house because of smoke damage- We have been living in a Holiday inn for the past 3 weeks. This hotel happens to be the MEPS headquarters= Military inlistment prossessing station- anyhow there are new 18-25 men/women enlistments that come every night, and sometimes their faimlys are there to say there goodbyes. While I do respect there future service to this country I, think yeah when you get out of basic, your ass is heading to iraq and youll probly die- Which sounds like a good idea for me, but I already have a bad back and knee with no cartlidge so I cant enlist- but the recruieter still trys to get me to join up. Well durin the first week there, I went got 2 beers and went to sit in the hottub, and decided Im going to stay in here till I pass out and drown. There wasnt anyone down there, and after about 35-40 minutes I was half unconsious and still sitting up, this lady came over and yelled at me to get up and jump in the pool, which I did. I was beat red and probly had a minor heat stroke-who knows. I have been on Seroquel =600mg at night. and in the morning I have been taking lamictal. Ive tried everything from paxil to lexapro to serzone, and this current combination is the only one I can tolerate- even though I still feel hopeless, I dont get upset anymore and damage things, or threaten others, the doctor just upped the lamictal today, and said to go down to 450mg of seroquel as I sleep half the day, and he thought it might be the seroquell since I was on a high dose. I still cannot fathem going back to work- I have worked for my extended family for the past 8 years and Im literally sick of them ,and the type of (rich- IM better than you) type of customers we cator too. I eat, but dont eat very much at each sitting but, I still manage to put on weight, I guess its because of the drugs. I remember the last time I was in a crisis-help center, they said to get 1/2hr-40minutes of excersise a day, To try to stave off depression. I have been walking on the treadmill at the hotel, but the other day decided to walk around a nearby lake, which has a trail, there were two separate occasions where I was verbally occosted. Iam always bymyslef so I guess people interperate that Im a freak or because of the way I look. I hate everything about me. But I want companionship. Then another day I visited a healthclub that Im paying $50 dollars a month for and havent been in 2 months, anyhow I said hi to 3 differnt women and 2 didn't even look at me and walked by and another one just gave me a hidious stare. The only one who said hi, is the girl behind the counter, but that is her job. I have even tried the online thing- but as soon as I start talking to them and they find out I still live at home they dont respond back. And the ones that do still talk, are fakers- they want me to send them money to russia or affrica. Then I get a call from one of a few friends that I ever had that I havent seen in over 5 years. He came into work and he found out I wasnt working and called to see how Was doing. It did feel good to hear from him, he said he got married and they have a 9 month old daughter. I felt very pleased to hear that he is happy with his life, but at the same time evil, jealous feelings overwhelmed me= I wanted what he now has. As my previous post spells out- I have always had trouble with socializing, with anyone. The only people who I ever felt comfortable talking too are the elderly. My sister who is 17 now, Im 26,(Ive been told I look way younger than Iam), has many friends and they have kindof adoppted me as a friend too. But one of them I have to be carefull of because she too, is depressed and she has a crush on me and recently she was alone with me in a room and she wanted to talk about sex. So I got up and left because I know where she is heading with that...and I deffently dont want to be on a sexoffender registry. So anyhow, I know everyone has his/hers problems, I just felt the need to vent. Thanks for reading!