To Disappear

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by longingforpeace, Jun 21, 2009.

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  1. longingforpeace

    longingforpeace Active Member

    People will always say "I just want to die" when they get very depressed. Who really "wants" to die, though? To feel the life slowly draining from your body or have your soul torn out of you after a sudden, violent death--nobody really wants that. What they want is to just disappear...vaporize into thin air like a ghost-painlessly, quietly...if only it were possible. Maybe suicidal people wouldn't get so much grief for voicing their sentiments if they just used a different phrase to say what they really mean. And right now I do want to just disappear because I can't see things getting any better and I've been suffering for so long...I'm so tired, so very tired. Today is Fathers Day. My son's father is an absent father and deadbeat dad and my own Father took his own life when I was 15. This day is so hard for me, as are most holidays because they just remind me of what I don't have. Family. And my life is so fucked up. I am about to lose my house, my car, I am in debt and not sure of where my son and I are going to move to. There is this woman I've known for a short time now. We started bonding and the plan was that my son and I would move in with her kids to share her house together, as I can no longer afford the house I live in now. Then she took me out for my birthday about a month ago and I had some sort of psychotic meltdown. Part of it was caused by this anti-depressant I was on, mixed with alcohol...but I know that a lot of it was caused by all the stress that I've been under for so long. I said a lot of terrible things to this woman; things I didn't mean. I acting like a total lunatic and don't remember most of it. The next day I felt so horrible and knew I had ruined what could have been a great friendship. Of course I apologized profusely. I thought she was going to change her mind about us living together but, strangely enough, she didn't. The weird thing is that although she reassurred me that the arrangement was still on, I felt like I couldn't even step foot inside her house again after what had happened. Like I couldn't be reminded of the person I became which was so awful that I was scared I was losing my mind. And I was convinced that she couldn't be serious about the arrangement still. So I paid my landlord most of the rent just to buy some time before an eviction is pursued. Now the money I was counting on hasn't pulled through and I am worrying about what's to become of my son and I. This gal I freaked out on is, I feel, toying with my emotions at this point because she knows the power she has over me. Truthfully, I fucked up by having that episode at her house and then deciding not to pay her the money that would have sealed the deal, and allowed us to move in. So now I am sitting here pondering why it is that I always have to make bad decisions that fuck up my life. And I am questioning my sanity after the incident that took place. I feel like I can't be a good mom, good friend, good daughter, sister, worker ;anything at all. I've failed in every aspect of my life. Every single one. I sought counseling after this incident and will be going to my third session in a couple of days. I am going to ask for some medicine for anxiety and I refuse to take any more anti-depressants. They don't work- they just seem to make my condition worse, actually. I am going to request some valium, or something of that nature,...which will be my first time asking a counselor for something of that nature. I hope I get it because I can't stand feeling this way any more. I just feel this sense of dread about what the future holds. I know if my life circumstances weren't this bad right now I would not be feeling this way. To be honest, this woman and I did not really click that much. But it's a novelty for both of us to be friends with an actual sincere, female. That makes me feel even worse about the way I acted because I feel like her level of trust towards most women was shaky at best...she actually trusted me and I turned on her like a total psyho. I just want to be good person; a normal person without all these issues. I feel scared to be a mom, especially a single mom, because I don't want to screw up my sons head the way mine was screwed up. And I'm just tired of having to do this alone. I really have very little support, emotional or otherwise, while raising my son. If only I could disappear...it's all so scary and overwhelming to me. Anyways...it's so late now. Maybe I can actually get some sleep now. What a spiel, huh? At least I was able to get some things off my chest for now.
     
  2. Samsara

    Samsara Well-Known Member

    That is...a very, very overwhelming situation. I probably wouldn't be able to handle it myself lol...I'm too much of a water sign DX
    Don't do anything drastic or destructive, approach things a little objectively...have a little hope :) Soldier on.
     
  3. longingforpeace

    longingforpeace Active Member

    Yes, it is very overwhelming. Every day I just keep plugging away, trying this thing, trying that thing...pursuing every avenue I can think of to better my situation but nothing seems to work. Sometimes I wonder why bother. Sometimes I feel like I might as well just find a hole to crawl in and wait for death...but my son. God, how could I bring another human being into this shit hole of a mess? I feel very guilty about it. But I can't give up on life because I would be giving up on him, too. I never realized how cold and loveless the world really is until I had him. Instead of support and appreciation for my mothering efforts, my son's father rewards me with an icy silence and complete avoidance. Shoving every last bit of responsibility onto my already frail shoulders. I just keep asking When does it get better? I never realized the judgement that a mother has to endure. It's like you are standing before an endless panel of people just judging, criticizing, preaching, punishing...constantly. If you do one thing that is considered below the standard of what is "acceptable" then you get the third degree and get labeled as the dreaded "BAD MOTHER"...probably the worst thing a woman can be labeled. Society is breathing down our necks, forcing us to strive for an impossible ideal...to be a perfect mother. So what happens? We turn on eachother. Competing. Judging eachother so we can make ourselves look like the "better" mother. God, I'm just so sick of this bullshit. It amazes and baffles me that women ask for this. I guess my viewpoint towards being a mother is distorted from being forced to take on all the responsiblility. I'm sure that having a loving husband by your side helping you makes it a much more joyful experience. I'll never know that though, because that opportunity was stolen from me. I'll never experience the joys of parenting the way that a normal, happily married woman does. And that makes me very sad. And my poor boy does not have the father figure he so desperately needs. As I sit in this dark room contemplating these things I feel the crushing weight of depression pressing down on me. I hope there will come a day when I don't feel the need to write in this forum. I hope there will come a day when I don't need it anymore-when the thought of ending it all is not in my mind. I hope there will come a day when I can finally be happy and reminisce upon this time in relief, like it was all just a bad dream. All I can do is hope and pray that time will come, eventually.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I can relate to much in your writing. as the only thing that keeps me here is my daughter It is through her i see hope and i do not look at the others who would judge me. They are not in my position or are they in yours. All we can do is enjoy the time we have and teach our children their is love and compassion in the world. Look here on this forum people do care and understand what it is to be overwhelmed and depressed. Is there anyway you can get support from any community services a minister or priest I know you would never do anything to bring pain to your child so try to bring joy into your life by seeing his smile feeling his love. Have you and your wife tried couple councilling that would make you both stronger in that you would be able to support each other when the world feels like it is attacking I wish you the best and i do see strength in you keep fighting for not only you but for your wife and child.
     
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