To do list: kill myself ASAP!!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Serbian, Dec 14, 2010.

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  1. Serbian

    Serbian Active Member

    I really wonder what’s beyond our lives and what happens next. Why people act in a way they do and why some deal with their problems better than others. There isn’t a day that passes by, that I don’t think about <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>.

    Somewhere, sometime, something went wrong in my life. I used to be happy, I used to smile, I used to make people feel better, and I used to make myself feel better by making others feel better. Perhaps I was just charming when I was younger? Now, I’m merely a cynical person, whose dreams and hopes have… commited suicide? At least, “they” had the cojones to do it, unlike me.

    So what about me? What’s stopping me? I don’t know. I have a gun nearby. I keep it, just in case I get a bit braver. I have a xxxxxx. I pretend I’m happy, but people can see through, I’m sure. Or maybe, they don’t give a good god damn about it either way.

    I want to kill myself, I really really, unbelievably painfully, do. But I’m just afraid. What if suicide wasn’t the right move? What if I come back reincarnated? What if, after life is just a worse version of this life? To make it better, what if it’s really eternal? Then what?

    Sad thing is, I’m only 21. My life is empty. Something is missing. Someting that’s making me sad and suicidal, and yet at the same time makes me want to continue living to find out what it is.

    Maybe it was my childhood. I grew up in a war torn country. It seemed as if each day there was a new war. I never spent any time with my father, because he’s a selfish SOB. None of these things have bothered me before, but now they seem to be catching upto me.

    Maybe it’s my life now. I’m not impressed of what I’ve become. I thought I’d be so much more, until the cold reality of this world hit me recently. It’s true, I’m young, I can still do whatever I’d like. That’s not the option. I want to die, for reasons that are unknown to me.

    I don’t know what exactly I’m asking of you, my fellow good people. I’m unsure whether it’s the advice I seek, or a crafty way to end my life – or maybe, I’m just sharing this, because I’m too big of a chicken to approach someone I know and tell them how I feel, face to face.

    Maybe I should start doing drugs? But then again, drinking my liver to sleep each day hasn’t fixed my emotional excuse I have for a state of mind. Can anyone even relate to what I’m saying? It feels like I’m talking to myself…

    P.S. I know this may seem comical in a way, but don’t worry, I’m not here to disappoint you, I am only masking my emotions. If you don’t laugh, you cry, is what they say…
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 14, 2010
  2. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Welcome to the forum Serbian.
    There are many here that understand how you feel, many. I dont know if you are seeing your doctor but maybe that would be a good idea to start with. Alcohol is a terrible depressant, a crutch yes, but thats all it is and will hinder you being able to walk unaided again.
    Hang around here, post if you choose,listen a little, many care here, a lot.
    There is always tomorrow to improve things, always, the key is intention.
    Regards Pete
  3. Serbian

    Serbian Active Member

    Hey Pete,

    I don't have a doctor, I was under the impression that these feelings would go away on their own; however, it's been getting worse each day. Worst of all, I don't know what bothers me, and that bothers me!
  4. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    No sometimes chemical imbalances in the brain need treating, also what has happened to you leaves permanent marks too.
    Make an appointment, have a chat, there may be medication and therapy that may help you through this difficult time.
  5. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    As a footnote, please dont discuss methods on here, it is possible others may be hurt even though you do not wish this to occur. thanks
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 14, 2010
  6. Serbian

    Serbian Active Member

    Maybe I'm just crazy. It started out as random mood swings, I'd be happy, and then suddenly angry to the point of wanting to choke someone. Then that has turned into this. I've became suicidal, and yet I can't understand what or why. All I know is that I'd find pleasure in death, although I have no way of proving it to myself.
  7. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    Do not worry about not understanding yourself, depression is in itself irrational and thus is not black and white. You need to get help, medical if you can. Can you tell any friends or family about how you're feeling? The more people you can have support you the easier it is to cope with things.
  8. Serbian

    Serbian Active Member

    Problem is, I can't. I just don't feel right about the whole thing. It makes me feel ashamed for some reason. It's weird, isn't it?
  9. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    That's not weird to feel ashamed. You feel you should be able to cope because you're an intelligent human being. It's scary to think you can't. Depression is not discriminatory and does not care for circumstance. You need some support, I don't want anyone to have to do what I did and only get help on the back of an attempt.

    Feel free to PM me for MSN contact
  10. Serbian

    Serbian Active Member

    So what advice, aside from seeking help, can you give me?
  11. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    - Take it one day at a time, give yourself short-term, achievable goals and reward yourself when you achieve them

    - Don't feel guilty about your feelings. Depression is remarkably common and often never spoken about.

    - Try putting how you feel in writing. I find it helps to get it outside of your own head and helps to start explaining things to other people.

    - Remember that depression is an illness and that you are ill. This is not your fault.

    - Think of the hobbies that you enjoy doing and try doing more of them.
  12. Serbian

    Serbian Active Member

    How does alcohol fit in all of this? I've been drinking myself silly lately.

    As for the goals, I'm thinking about them as we speak. My big goal is to go live somewhere where it's peace and quiet. Some place relaxing. To take it easy and get in touch with myself.
  13. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    Alcohol is itself a depressant. I would advise that you cut down on it, you can drink it but sparingly and absolutely not to excess as it only makes it worse.

    As to the goals, those are good long-term goals to have. What can be your goal for today or tomorrow, is there an important job you need to do? A chore you need to complete? A phone-call you need to make? Think about that and when you do it, then reward yourself - because even getting out of bed with depression is at times tortuous.
  14. Infortunatus

    Infortunatus Guest

    Ok Serb, pay attention. You asked for advice, so listen. If I were there I would grab your face and make you look me straight in the eyes right now. Get rid of the weapon and the alcohol. Then get hooked up with some kind of helping agency that deals with depression. You can beat this. If you do the right things. Just tell yourself every day that you can beat this and start making good decisions. Start getting some positive things in your life. There has to be something - exercise, hobbies, reading, music, other interests, anything. If you need somebody to tell you the difference between good decisions and bad ones, we are here and maybe someone else is as well.
  15. Serbian

    Serbian Active Member

    I do already have hobbies, I play lots of sports, exercise, go to places, but on the inside I feel so empty and strange. As if I were some sort of a monster. It's just that lately (this last week and a half) it's gotten so unbelievable that I look at a gun as some sort of a salvation and each time I do my best to talk myself out of it with bullshit reasons.
    Funny how life bites you in the ass when you least expect it.

    As for calling an agency, no, there's no chance of that. I'm afraid, and quite certain doing so would only make matter worse.

    I think my case is a bit different than say, standard depression. I don't feel very sad, or very sorry for myself, lonely, ugly or anything. I just feel empty, excruciating emptyness, that's getting dark and suffocating.

    Thank you for advices though, I may not show it, but I do greatly appreciate your time and effort to cheer me up. Thank you.
  16. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    That to me IS standard depression, it's not about feeling sad, it's about feeling nothing at all.
  17. Serbian

    Serbian Active Member

    Oh? My bad then. I guess I'm lucky this time, I have IT.
  18. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Serbian, I was where your at right now.. I use to sit on my bed with the g-n to my head,hammer cocked and my finger on the trigger.. Then I would think of my daughter and grandaughter..So I gave my g-n to my brother and he won't let me have it back..Then I joined with a therapist..I've been thru five years of therapy and won't do anything drastic..It would take something terrible to make me try again.. Give the gun away or sell it.. Anything to get it out of your hands.. Best wishes..
  19. Serbian

    Serbian Active Member

    Thank you my friend. People who have gone through the same situation as me, and haven't done anything drastic, are giving me hope. Thank you again.
    As for the gun, I dismantled it, and have put the pieces all over the apartment. After looking at those pictures of me I kind of given up on the idea; however, the feeling will most likely come back to my head soon. Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day, I really do hope.

    What is the reason for your depression? I see you're older than I am, so has it been with you your entire life, or is something new?
    Is it normal for a depressed person to talk to themselves (not aloud, luckily) but it seems as if something is constantly telling me I suck. Does that mean I'm in it too deep or it's quite normal?
  20. Hidan

    Hidan Member

    dude i know what you mean, im half serbian, half croatian, i went through the exact same thing as you, your not alone, but go on with life, ive had just enough time
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