To drown thyself in sweet nectar

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SadDude1980, Apr 4, 2008.

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  1. SadDude1980

    SadDude1980 Well-Known Member

    That's all I have to look forward to on my Friday night. You know what I look forward to normally outside of this nightmare? Going home and spending time with my partner and enjoying the evening with her and then hugging them to sleep. That's what I live for. Not to go to work and work 45 hours a week so that I can come home alone. Yippy, I have a job, but nobody to come home to. Just a cold empty tomb. just 4 more days and I'll know my destiny.

    My nerves are twitching everywhere really bad. Sometimes it feels like I have battery acid under my skin. Yet I can't stop the poison on my own. It's all I have to look forward to now. Didn't drink all day today, but does it matter? Not really. nothing special is gonna happen before I go to sleep tonight. There's no woman that's gonna hold me in her arms as I just rest my worries on her arm and actually get some sleep. All I have to look forward to tonight are what I've been having every night since she did this, literaly: nightmares, more sleeplessness, more misery, more having to dread the upcoming events. I've recorded every nightmare, they've been long and about her.

    I've got enough booze tonight to put out an elephant. I never get hangovers anymore. I haven't for a long time. No headaches, no nausea. I just want more to keep from feeling normal.

    I hurt so deeply no song is comforting. Nothing helps. I just feel myself yearning to share myself with someone in every way. I feel ditched and alone. Betrayed, backstabbed. Cast away like an old carpet that's got years of stains on it from spilled sweet n' sour sauce, soy sauce, red wine, blood, coffee, etc. And now it's time to toss it out because it never got any love. Only I'm not a carpet, I'm a fuckin human-being :cry:

    i don't know how much longer I can keep this up. When I got my time sheet signed today and faxed it in, I walked to my desk to get my coat and started crying uncontrollably. I have nobody to go home to anymore :( Now I just work and exist just to work and exist and deal with whatever depressing thing comes next. I had a family, now I have nothing. I don't get thrills out of going to clubs, hanging out. I've done it, but that's not what I desire in life. What my heart desires is what my heart desires, period. Everyone's different.

    I just want some understanding, some compassion, some empathy, but I chose poorly and now 7 years later here I am with nothing to show it for it but alcoholism, jacked up nerves from neglecting my diabetes so I can work full time to get pay for her fucking car, so she can freeze bank accounts, jack my paychecks to pay for her fucking new computer, pay half the rent when I've just started working and hardly have any money.

    I feel so terrible inside... I don't know what I'm going to do. I honestly don't. I despair alone most of the time. And everyone is so miserable. people from SF I talk to with problems and pain. I don'tk now what I'm going to do tomorrow, but tonight I'm going to get fucking smashed like I've never gotten smashed before.

    No Angels for me tonight :cry:
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 4, 2008
  2. SadDude1980

    SadDude1980 Well-Known Member

    Estuans Interius
    ira vehementi
    Estuans interius
    ira vehementi

    Sors immanis
    Et inanis
    Sors immanis
    Et inanis

    Veni, Veni, venias
    Ne me mori facias
    Veni, veni, venias
    Ne me mori facias

    Veni, Veni, venias (Gloriosa)
    Ne me mori facias (Generosa)
    Veni, veni, venias (Gloriosa)
    Ne me mori facias (Generosa)
  3. Ire

    Ire Guest

    Hey man. You know we three are here for ya to do what we can...

    Hopefully you can hang in till May 10. Not easy, I know, at all.
  4. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I feel your pain coz' I've been there myself. Work sucks. So does divorce.
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I have also been there. I know how devastating and overwhelming it can be. Although it is not easy, it can be overcome. Give it time to settle in. Give yourself time to grieve it. Don't make any decisions while you are in pain. :hug:
  6. SadDude1980

    SadDude1980 Well-Known Member

    Ugh, lesson is, don't ever go shopping for more drink while you're drunk. I accidentally picked up merlot instead of chardonnay. yuck. purple-lipped wretch!
  7. SadDude1980

    SadDude1980 Well-Known Member

    Is it bad to crave it at work and want to get completely smashed?
  8. Yes it is bad, Ken.
  9. SadDude1980

    SadDude1980 Well-Known Member

    Then I guess I'm just pure evil on two legs then, ain't I Kurt? :p

    Anyways, we know who the real evil on two legs is and it's not me. As I begin to stop caring about everything gradually, the motivation to not drink dissipates. I had problems before I started drinking, I'll have them after I stop drinking.

    Drinking IS a problem, but a seperate one. It affects thing, but the baseline problems that lead to this curse are still there. Gettin hospitalized won't do shit. As my friend Eggs said I have to want to stop - that also will not do shit as my problems will still be there. Alone? No partner, no soulmate, nobody to even begin on the path with me. Wooo, lets get sober and be alone! that sounds appealing. Then I'll magically enjoy life again, find happiness in just BEING alive, and relish in going to work everyday.

    Got news for you alcohol bashers - there are plenty of people here who don't drink, who aren't even old enough to drink and they're depressed as hell. I know people who don't ever drink but when they go through what I'm going through now, they hit up the bottle. The bottle, as I said, is a problem, but not THE problem. My wife never got this. Her ass was too caught up in putting blame on everything else but herself and her lies and her bullshit.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 16, 2008
  10. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    "Only I'm not a carpet, I'm a fuckin human-being"

    Oh god I know exactly how you feel :sad:. I can tell you are going to get through this. It sounds like you are very angry and hurt but you know what you're feeling at least. The worst is when people just push it down or have no idea what they're feeling or block it out. I can see in your post that you will get through this.
    You say you want some understanding, compassion, empathy. You know what you want, and that's great! You're not so far gone that you could care less about finding people who understand you or finding people to share your feelings with. There are plenty of these people here for instance.
    I can relate as well about not wanting to go to clubs or hanging out. I've always felt much more comfortable with one person to spend time with. I don't enjoy those things either. You're not alone on that.
    Things will get better. Trust me. I can definitely see it in your words. I can feel it. You're going to get better. Keep yourself alive and believe that you're going to get better because I know it.

  11. Ken, remember what I told you about Chrissy? I haven't seen her for two years, because her drinking alcohol likely got her fired from her job. If she hadn't drank the alcohol, likely that she wouldn't have been fired from her job. From rumors which I have heard, she got a new job doing something which placed her much closer to alcohol, and the possibility of her being hurt more. I only messaged to Chrissy a few times since Cynthia found Chrissy's MySpace page. I couldn't cope with what I saw Chrissy turning into. Alcohol may likely turn her into being an uglier person than the demon bitch from hell, and you know where that leads, Ken. To eventually being like a wrinkled, nasty old Moroccan Oompa Loompa. Keep in mind, there is no way for a drunken Rocky Balboa to defeat a woman like Natalie. Also, even if I were like "Mick", this is like boxing, not pro wrestling (sports entertainment). I can't just grab a folding chair and go knock out Oompa Loompa over her Darth Sidious - looking head, causing her to fall on her fat ass. You need to soberly defeat both of those evil Morlocks and send them back to the pit of hell.
  12. LastCrusade

    LastCrusade Well-Known Member

    it can be awfully sticky......
  13. 8ever

    8ever New Member

    Boy can I ever relate to this. For whatever its worth, you are not alone.
    I know i know, it aint worth anything right now but hey ...
    you made me realize i am not alone as i think i am.
  14. Jasonfine27

    Jasonfine27 Well-Known Member

    Work sucks, man. So does divorce, but there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope you can see that. PM me if you ever want to talk. :)
  15. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    This thread is doing nothing but throwing accusations out at each other. If this continues the thread will be locked and the individuals involved will be warned.
  16. Zueri

    Zueri Well-Known Member

    Doesn't that last post by SadDude1980 meet the criteria for personal attack...? o.0

    Just a thought. Advice is offered up freely by people on SF who volunteer their own time in order to help others. Must it be so brutally criticized, even if it's not agreeable to the receiver? :unsure:
  17. SadDude1980

    SadDude1980 Well-Known Member

    Lock away he's not listening to me, I honestly don't care.
  18. Zueri

    Zueri Well-Known Member

    Actually, seems like you're intent on villifying him. Smooth. :)
  19. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I only have one thing to say. Alcohol is not the awnser. You need to find new ideas and new places to look for a significat other. My thoughts are with you. I hope you find someone new soon.:chopper:
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