Hey all, I felt like writing again; even if there are no responses to the thread I still feel like +1% of relief. Which is more than I had before I started writing this. I have calculated some possible responses people might give to what I have written here. I can't help that, it's not something I control. But I'm okay with it, just mentally prepared for it. No worries guys, I don't feel the way most think I would. I do not feel suicidal or depressed. I am able to judge that by now, having had experience with both in the past. I'm just embracing the feelings and ideas of being unreal. It feels like the next logical step, after acceptance of my fate. Perhaps I am deeply impressed by a tv show I saw the other day, it contained existential nihilism (Texhnolyze). Not a great place to be in emotionally, but it was my mind's way of coping with the alternative: "Losing my sanity, while enduring very strong emotional pain and frustration." To stand at a distance from reality, from the ego and not being able to please the amygdala properly; I didn't come up with these ideas, my brain did. It takes almost no effort to type out words and see them appear on the screen, while the music in the background reminds me of myself and who I used to be a few seconds ago. A possible response to this would be: "If only you took the same amount of effort, like typing all this nonsense, to try and better yourself." Who said I wanted to become better? I already know that it takes longer than a day or a month to get where I want to be... It's like trusting a person again, who you hold dear to yourself, that has lied to you big time. What does better mean in general? An improvement an existing situation for example? Once, which seems like a lifetime ago, I existed. Is there a limitation to becoming better? Probably is. So you're asking me to improve. Become a better someone, but who is the judge of that? When am I allowed to say that I am feeling better and that I have improved myself and the situation I live in? Or do I have to wait until you, you who judges others, says so... It's like I broke my own illusion of having any willpower while my belief system convinces me that I am proof of determinism, because everything I experience in my mind feels like it behaves according to patterns. Patterns that are mostly predictable by now. Congratulations, you happened to win the lottery. All you have to do to claim your prize is to live for another 25 years on top of the 25 years you have lived already on this earth in your current body and mind. Then wait and see if things will get better and win your prize of having endured your suffering without there being the reward of a good feeling. Did I forget to mention this? There are no refunds, you are bound to the lottery ticket you purchased with your soul. Do not tell me you forgot, when you blew out the candles on the cake at a birthday party, that you wished for this. I dediced a while ago, to endure the emotional pain I had for as long as possible, just to see what would happen. Before that point, I wasn't able to process the feelings I had and think my way out of it, like any other sane person would do. "Just let go, think happy thoughts, accept, life is about ups and downs, life is what you make it etc etc." If the calculating power of my brain is not used to analyze my situation (the now), anxiety (the near future) then I often feel like I'm dwelling in a different mental and emotional dimension. Why can't I forget, let go, accept and live a life like the average Joe Public or John Doe? Glorified, cliché answer that I sort of made up: Just wake up, smell the coffee that your high school sweetheart, who's now your wife at age 25, made,... Watch the news and latest developements, feel bad for a moment while reading about how many people died yesterday to violence and realizing things about the world you live in, only to forget it when you hear that your favourite soccer team won last night. And think to yourself: "Now this,.. this is a world I would raise a child in. I hope to one day have children and take them to a soccer match. Haven't decided yet if I want to have a girl or a boy though... Wait I'm feeling weird when I think about having a girl as my first child, I want a boy to take to a soccer match, not a girl. Soccer is a great sport by the way, makes me forget that other things even exist in the world when I watch a game." ""Going back to the news, I can't seem to forget... or let go, but I actually had a feeling that people were going to die thanks to whatever reason there is these days to die. "A man must look within the possibilities of what his own life has to offer" Yes I am content with that, I can smile again, I'll pat myself on the back for coming up with such a quote."" Yeah... Things die all the time in this world, things get brought into this world all the time. I am capable of loving, even if I can't feel it that clearly, mostly numbness... but I am capable of it. I think people that I hold dear, are special to me, have value even if it's just for a very short period of time. To find time to destroy myself is not something I planned in yet. I don't have a lot of appointments next week with mental health workers, but I'd rather perform no significant action that only has one possible outcome that will not better my situation. There is nothing special about suffering, no prize to be won if you happened to endure the most mental pain of all the people who ever lived and survive it as well. Who will recognize you? People of this generation of children and eldery, is this generation of people that amazing to you? You want recognition and acknowledgement that, the way you view life in it's most realistic form, is the right one? To answer my own question and to end this post for now: My own experiences of pain are empty, the way I give colour to it is to be at peace with it. Most of my life of living in the now is painful, yes. There is no hope, I feel. But I can live without hope of things ever getting better, since the outcome is the same for everyone. I don't search for happiness anymore, since it doesn't want to be found. I can survive without it. To not aim for being happy in the now or in the future makes me smile, while feeling emotionally detached. And that's okay, I'm not even feeling like an observer anymore, I exist in this world with the feelings I have now. I lowered my standards severely, as you can see. I found the reaction I was looking for... inside. I have my sanity. I feel better now.