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To exist and to not aim for happiness in life.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Citizen Insane, Jul 12, 2015.

  1. Citizen Insane

    Citizen Insane Staff Member Safety & Support SF Author SF Supporter

    Hey all,

    I felt like writing again; even if there are no responses to the thread I still feel like +1% of relief. Which is more than I had before I started writing this.

    I have calculated some possible responses people might give to what I have written here. I can't help that, it's not something I control. But I'm okay with it, just mentally prepared for it.
    No worries guys, I don't feel the way most think I would. I do not feel suicidal or depressed. I am able to judge that by now, having had experience with both in the past. I'm just embracing the feelings and ideas of being unreal. It feels like the next logical step, after acceptance of my fate. Perhaps I am deeply impressed by a tv show I saw the other day, it contained existential nihilism (Texhnolyze).
    Not a great place to be in emotionally, but it was my mind's way of coping with the alternative: "Losing my sanity, while enduring very strong emotional pain and frustration."

    To stand at a distance from reality, from the ego and not being able to please the amygdala properly;

    I didn't come up with these ideas, my brain did. It takes almost no effort to type out words and see them appear on the screen, while the music in the background reminds me of myself and who I used to be a few seconds ago.
    A possible response to this would be: "If only you took the same amount of effort, like typing all this nonsense, to try and better yourself." Who said I wanted to become better? I already know that it takes longer than a day or a month to get where I want to be...
    It's like trusting a person again, who you hold dear to yourself, that has lied to you big time.

    What does better mean in general? An improvement an existing situation for example? Once, which seems like a lifetime ago, I existed.
    Is there a limitation to becoming better? Probably is. So you're asking me to improve. Become a better someone, but who is the judge of that? When am I allowed to say that I am feeling better and that I have improved myself and the situation I live in?
    Or do I have to wait until you, you who judges others, says so...

    It's like I broke my own illusion of having any willpower while my belief system convinces me that I am proof of determinism, because everything I experience in my mind feels like it behaves according to patterns. Patterns that are mostly predictable by now.

    Congratulations, you happened to win the lottery. All you have to do to claim your prize is to live for another 25 years on top of the 25 years you have lived already on this earth in your current body and mind.
    Then wait and see if things will get better and win your prize of having endured your suffering without there being the reward of a good feeling. Did I forget to mention this? There are no refunds, you are bound to the lottery ticket you purchased with your soul.
    Do not tell me you forgot, when you blew out the candles on the cake at a birthday party, that you wished for this.

    I dediced a while ago, to endure the emotional pain I had for as long as possible, just to see what would happen. Before that point, I wasn't able to process the feelings I had and think my way out of it, like any other sane person would do. "Just let go, think happy thoughts, accept, life is about ups and downs, life is what you make it etc etc."
    If the calculating power of my brain is not used to analyze my situation (the now), anxiety (the near future) then I often feel like I'm dwelling in a different mental and emotional dimension.

    Why can't I forget, let go, accept and live a life like the average Joe Public or John Doe? Glorified, cliché answer that I sort of made up: Just wake up, smell the coffee that your high school sweetheart, who's now your wife at age 25, made,... Watch the news and latest developements, feel bad for a moment while reading about how many people died yesterday to violence and realizing things about the world you live in, only to forget it when you hear that your favourite soccer team won last night.
    And think to yourself: "Now this,.. this is a world I would raise a child in. I hope to one day have children and take them to a soccer match. Haven't decided yet if I want to have a girl or a boy though... Wait I'm feeling weird when I think about having a girl as my first child, I want a boy to take to a soccer match, not a girl. Soccer is a great sport by the way, makes me forget that other things even exist in the world when I watch a game."
    ""Going back to the news, I can't seem to forget... or let go, but I actually had a feeling that people were going to die thanks to whatever reason there is these days to die. "A man must look within the possibilities of what his own life has to offer" Yes I am content with that, I can smile again, I'll pat myself on the back for coming up with such a quote.""

    Yeah... Things die all the time in this world, things get brought into this world all the time. I am capable of loving, even if I can't feel it that clearly, mostly numbness... but I am capable of it. I think people that I hold dear, are special to me, have value even if it's just for a very short period of time.

    To find time to destroy myself is not something I planned in yet. I don't have a lot of appointments next week with mental health workers, but I'd rather perform no significant action that only has one possible outcome that will not better my situation.
    There is nothing special about suffering, no prize to be won if you happened to endure the most mental pain of all the people who ever lived and survive it as well. Who will recognize you? People of this generation of children and eldery, is this generation of people that amazing to you? You want recognition and acknowledgement that, the way you view life in it's most realistic form, is the right one?

    To answer my own question and to end this post for now: My own experiences of pain are empty, the way I give colour to it is to be at peace with it. Most of my life of living in the now is painful, yes.
    There is no hope, I feel. But I can live without hope of things ever getting better, since the outcome is the same for everyone. I don't search for happiness anymore, since it doesn't want to be found. I can survive without it. To not aim for being happy in the now or in the future makes me smile, while feeling emotionally detached. And that's okay, I'm not even feeling like an observer anymore, I exist in this world with the feelings I have now. I lowered my standards severely, as you can see.
    I found the reaction I was looking for... inside. I have my sanity. I feel better now. :)
  2. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Alumni SF Supporter


    I'm not gonna say that I understand everything you are going through because there is a a fair amount. But, a lot of what you said makes sense to me.

    I'm not going to quote or add as it is a long post and I'm on my phone, but know that I read this and understand what you are saying.

  3. Citizen Insane

    Citizen Insane Staff Member Safety & Support SF Author SF Supporter

    Hey Cicada-Bob. :)

    I feel like I should say something else than just "thanks for your support + a smiley face". I really want to get to my own core beliefs and feelings I hold. At times I catch myself on a stream of ideas, thoughts... and I am not sure if they are shaping and altering my form or not. While I am reading I keep track of a lot of different sensations I feel.
    My personality, identity and all that. I decided for example, that there really no point in harboring negative associations to other individuals, groups or simply said: People who hold different beliefs than myself, I do not think that having ideas & opinions, negative ones, about others is going to be helpful.

    It's just that it will not bring me closer to solving any psychological problem I have, it will not bring me in a better mood. Mood being the thing I can improve, even with the diagnosis, but it will never reach a state of a true emotion. Mood, as in... I can have had a good nights rest, wake up sort of sweaty. So I'll take a shower then and my father will have a fruit shake ready for breakfast once I get out of the shower. That really improves my mood, even though the mental fatigue + numbness is still present. But it's not even close to happiness, what it is, is this: Reduce the levels of pain, stress, anxiety etc.
    I can feel comfortable and still get in a state of flow when performing a task, it's just all toned down heavily on the emotional side.

    The idea about negative associations with people keeps changing, this week it's: "Why should I care about all the people that live here on this planet today? It's just a generation of people that teaches the next generation of people how to not live their lives." But that might fall under some sort of fallacy when phrased like that.
    Is there really anything special about the current generation of people that it's worth it to hate specific individuals? I can be at rest knowing that no matter where you are in the world or on a one way trip to Mars etc, it will end and everyone ends at a certain moment. I prefer to stay indifferent, not seek out revenge... people don't change anyway if you try to correct or alter their beliefs by using all the hate you possess. Nor will the situation change.
    You will still be just another person no matter how many worshippers you have here while you're alive. We'll all be forgotten. I almost want to quote Carl Sagan here, with his Pale Blue Dot speech.

    Next week it might be some other idea, that my mind begs of me to build and develop on. To gain further understanding I suppose. I hope I can feel like myself again.
    Writing and reading does me very well I noticed, I'll continue along this path ... not sure where it will end up taking me, but I'll just keep on writing. I do have a prediction though that it will probably not bring me closer to reality, but I need to get used to thinking actively again.

    I had these thoughts, that I described here, around my 17th year in this life. It continued to develop heavily since then. If I were to believe others in my environment like one of my parents, my mother, then she says: "I think you should just go to school, study again... then you won't have these thoughts anymore, find a distraction."
    I can interpret that in many ways what she said there. But what she says has to be untrue, these ideas are here for a reason... I will end up getting them, not because I'm bored... no, I get these ideas because of my inherently different perception. It's like she was saying: "Citizen Insane, you have certain intellectual qualities, but you shouldn't use those at all because it's not very productive according to my own standards." And: "I (mother) know how to live a life and deal with ideas I myself never had before, even that of others (mine)."
    I happen to notice different things when I look at my environment or when I observe my own thoughts. I did not train myself to produce these ideas, nor did they happen during boredom.

    These thinking processes occur wether I like it or not, they are very powerful and overly present in my mind that I can not simply distract myself from them, to ignore it. And I am glad that I have this at least. Helps me put things in order a lot more and not get frustrated with my situation.
    It's part of who I am, I did not choose my own thoughts. Nobody does choose what they want to think about at any point in their lives. If you were to ask me: If you could think about anything you want to think about right this very moment... what would that subject or thought be? There is no answer I feel.
    Why would I want to be thinking of thoughts that make me smile, for example, only to realize that the person who I am and my mind have very different desires than simply having a facial expression that we have a positive association with and maybe a "good" feeling. There's more to my life than that, speaking of potential...

    I have to be honest with myself, as long as I am here. But at the same time, I have to wear a mask. To end for now, on a little joke. :p

    /me equips a +2 Deceiving Mask of Honesty (+1 bonus to perception, -1 to humanity), It weighs about 7 kg., can only be equipped by Citizen Insane.
  4. Citizen Insane

    Citizen Insane Staff Member Safety & Support SF Author SF Supporter

    Hey all,

    I have a surprise for you guys... It's another long post! :p I don't mind if it feels like I'm talking to myself. But I didn't feel like making a new thread for it.
    This is a piece I wrote because I want to try and be honest with myself, now and possibly forever till the day I end. It's about regaining the feelings of reality and the sense of having an identity, how if affects experiences now.

    One thing I consider to be deeply discomforting is when I have a memory of the past and my youth. When I'm reminded of the good memories. As we know we can't control our memories or try to mentally erase/block them using the will. They happen, we get memories back from our previous states of mind all the time, can't forget the past anyway. Memories are some sort of tool of survival as well I suppose.

    A memory, that was previously linked to good feelings. I was able to experience amazing emotions, deep relaxation, calmness and all that. The range of emotions I had, I could understand most of them. I had so much clarity in my mind when I was young, I thought I did. My senses were super sharp and now at age 25 there's constant inference and brain fog. Melancholy... Not that old yet, though I look back already at life as if a part of me had died.
    In the now I experience such memories of my youth as a thing that I can't ever have back. I will not come close to experiencing such feelings again, if past history is any indication.

    About the history, to clarify - I'll have to ask a question to myself first: What is the most positive feeling I can have from this point on? First thing that come to mind are related to relief of mental anguish by 10 percent, to feel less brain fog. Second things that come to mind are related to pleasing the brain, using the inherent functions of the body.
    Stating the obvious here, from temporary relief through a sexual experience (no relationship though so far in life, nor the experience) to having a cold beer with zero percent alcohol (I use medication) during dinner at a nice Greek restaurant with friends/family (Tzatziki + grilled meat). But also like taking a long shower after: Having been outside and having had to sweat heavily because of some anxiety.
    Cleaning my bedroom, in order to be able to do activities such as reading without getting distracted by a dirty, environment that's not in order. And of course music, movies and videogames.

    Doesn't sound too bad right? Too bad I had to go through the absolute emotional hell and without really recovering from it. The mental, emotional defects dominate my every day life during each activity, so even if they sound like pleasurable activities, it's really not. It just gives that +1 percent of relief.
    I won't go into detail about the feelings of hell too much though, I end up sounding like a broken record, repeating myself and talking about experiences I described in older threads.

    All this because emotionally, I ended, I broke myself. Felt as if I was placed in this body after it had lived its life from birth to age 17. That's how detached I feel from my own identity.
    Even now, while writing I'm listening to a soundtrack of a videogame I played in my younger days. Knowing that once, I was in the zone where everything made more sense to me than it did now. Nothing to be ashamed of, I just try to invoke emotions of nostalgia, but it doesn't work anymore. It's painfully beautiful, the memories.
    Would I trade the feeling I had then, in the original memory, with the feeling I have now? But to give such a feeling (discomfort, numb, detached from self and reality) to a younger person, that is my younger self, makes me think again. It's a terrible feeling to give to anyone in general and I would not let my younger self endure these feelings.

    In the greater part of my waking life and dreams I noticed that (mostly) the visualizations and internal audio my mind brings to my attention contain the sights and sounds of what I consider to be other human beings.
    Either during the day I'm playing back events that passed, conversations I have had with other people that left an impression on my mind, and thinking about my desires and things I want from my environment and the people in it.
    This makes sense, our brains are sensitive to those types of stimulants. It is, I feel, the same reason why we can not imagine a 4-dimensional object with a brain that only knows how to visualize 3d images or less. To continue on the same line, this is how for example sexual arousal works.
    Simply born with a brain that reacts, registers and processes everything that has to do with humans, inherently if the senses are functioning well. Hardwired, obviously.

    To randomly quote: "A new generation of children... will bring order to this age." You can end up worrying for things that are completely out of your control. It will be like praying to a godless sky. I'd like to think I have some control over my body at least, the illusion that is.
    It's no suprise by now, to anyone reading, that I feel the theory of determinism is okay with me. It gives me more rest anyway.

    Glad I was able to write this off here, I'll end up talking about parts of it with my loved ones in the offline world and mental health workers as well. Especially the part about how I feel emotionally about my own memories and dealing with them.