To fucking late...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by randomguy9, Jun 9, 2014.

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  1. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity Chat Pro

    I thought I was doing so well... then I fell back into the shit that is my reality...

    As part of therapy I wrote down some goals I wanted to achieve in life... something to finally work toward.

    Then it hit me... it is fucking impossible... had I gone through this when I was 18 maybe I could have had a chance but..

    There are goals in life that you have to accomplish when young... There are goals that requires money to achieve. All of mine... the only way to get back the things that made life feel right... require both. Even if I started tomarrow it would take a decade of work to get good enough at what I love to go do something great... and im no where near the level where I can afford it.

    My body is breaking down... I am turning 25 soon but it is only a matter of time before my knees, back, neck, and hips go. I am pretty sure I need at least one surgery... but how the fucking hell am I supposed to ever pay for it when I'm an idoit with no future? I can't get stuck in debt with no way to pay it.
    One day soon... one of those will go out... and I will be unable to do what I want with my life... I don't know when it will be but it can't be to long... not long enough to find a career that doesn't require any brain power or phuysiucal giftings but pays well... make the money... start working on it... then go achive.

    I am broken beyond any repair... I'm an idoit who fails everything that involves the brain and a cluts that fails everything that involves the body.

    Everywhere I look I see methods... and the only comfort I have is that soon... I will have achived what I belive is the only good thing I can do with my life... and then I can finally end it with a smile on my face... knowing that with my shitty existence I made a few lives better.

    I feel bad for how much it will hurt my family... but I can't fucking deal with being me anymore... now while all the fucking evil people who fucked my life up are achieving.

    I've failed college... failed my own fuckiung family's busness... and broke my body down where I can't expect to do anything physical for to long. I am out of hope... out of options... even if I do find a career when im 30 it's to late to do what would make me happy in life.
     
  2. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    However negative the situation looks, random, the positive in it is that you have good self-awareness, and understand that certain things just have to be accepted, as unpalatable as that is compared to the dreams we had of how we expected life to be for us when we were younger. It is great that you've made other lives better, and that you would actually still like life to become better for you - the one thing we can do when we are down on our hope is to keep the right attitude about it, and do what is still within our means and power. Achievement and success in life, while they are worthwhile aims, sometimes are rendered impossible - when faced with these as the only inevitable outcomes I like to think about the monks and nuns who actually, on purpose, shun these goals in order to go deep inside and find their satisfaction in other ways. As a 'positive', not a 'negative'. We don't have to physically remove to a monastery to find inner peace and purpose, and the invitation is always there if we want to take the opportunity. I know it might sound weird, but it's what I would do in your circumstances and offer the suggestion as an option, hopefully to help your thinking - it doesn't mean it has to be the end of your life at all :) :concern:
     
  3. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    still very young.
     
  4. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    as i said to 1 of my friends yesterday, it sucks when the only thing you want to do in the future is die.

    that's my outlook as well. people are like to me- so, what do you want to do in the future?

    and all i can think of is to die.

    so in that sense, we're both in the same boat

    hope you can hold on
     
  5. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I've done a lot of work towards making goals in therapy too, and it sounds like yours are still very unrealistic so you may need to lower your expectations and make your goals more realistic to achieve. That doesn't mean that you won't achieve the bigger picture but you must start small before you get there. I don't think it's too late at all to do the job you want to do. I did my nurse training with a lot of people in their late 40's who believed this was their calling and are now loving their lives and their jobs. If they can achieve their dream jobs in their late 40's, then 30 is no age to wait.
     
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOU are YOUNG omg so much time ahead of you ok to do what you chose like stated t here are people in the late years that go and fulfill the dreams take one step that will lead to the next YOU CAN use that word ok you can do anything and what you find difficult to do you ask for assistance
     
  7. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity Chat Pro

    Might be young for some things... but not for other things. Unfortunately the things in life I want to do... are in the category of things that need to be accomplished by now, or they never can be. For most it wouldn't be the case, but most don't have my physical issues.



    I started small when i was 18... hell younger than that. Of course as has always bene the pattern i work hard, and someone else;s genetics mean they get the results with less work.

    I know some people find careers later in life... but I need the money now... the things I want to do while im on this earth are things I have to do young because of my pysical issues that are only going to get worse as I age. I can't picture a life worth living without getting back into the hobbies I love... I can't spend my life watching everyone else doing what they love while I mooch off of family or work a shit dead end job.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 12, 2014
  8. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity Chat Pro

    The more I look at life... the more I realize I have blown my chance.

    This is a world that wasn't met for me...

    whatever higher pwer there is created me to be the victim of a child who in all likelihood was the reincarnation of a serial killer... or worse.

    I never succeeded at anythimg important... I am a fucking dumbass with no future. I'm going to end up dead eventually... why wait till homelessness kills me? Why not fuckint do it now?
     
  9. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity Chat Pro

    I don't even know what I am fighting for...

    After so much time away from the things I love to do in life... My skills have surely vanished.

    Even if I could get htem tomarrow... would it be worth it?
     
  10. Jackie's Strength

    Jackie's Strength Staff Alumni

    It is definitely worth it! At some point in life, ALL of us need to make peace with our past, grieve what we need to grieve, and focus on making the best of the life we have ahead of us. I know all too well how easy it is to get stuck in the line of thinking you're describing (and I'm years older than you and on disability); what I've found helpful is to immediately say to myself, "How helpful is it for me to focus on this right now?" Often I'm able to shift my thinking by realizing that it gets me absolutely nowhere doting on something I can't change, or something that I wish weren't so. Doting won't change what is, and it certainly won't keep me emotionally regulated! If it's something I have some influence over, then I ask myself what I can do to improve things - the sooner I can take a step, however small, the better. Perhaps this is something that can work for you as well - just try it and don't give up too easily! Think about it - what does focusing on all the negative really achieve, other than keeping you stationary and depressed? I know it's easier said than done, and goodness knows I've a long way to go, but I believe in us!

    (Oh, and I wish I were 25!!)

    One of my favourite quotes:

    "It's never too late to be who you might have been."
    Oscar Wilde
     
  11. Nelly1921

    Nelly1921 Well-Known Member

    I hear you random. From our interactions in chat, I see you. The real you. Not the you who you think you are. You are incredibly kind, you offer insight, wisdom and perseverance to others in the chat room.

    I wonder how many peoples lives you have changed for the better through your support? So many.

    Be kind to yourself as you are to everyone in chat.

    I believe in you random. Always.

    x
    Louisa
     
  12. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter


    This is the thing though Greg, you haven't started off small at all. You have such high expectations and expect to walk into a well paid job but the world doesn't work like that. For instance, getting a job actually requires you to apply for it. You spend so much time job searching but not applying for jobs because you tell yourself you'll never get that job or it's not the job for you. You need to change your attitude and just apply for anything and everything. Money says if you applied for 100 jobs in one week you would get several job offers. But you actually need to apply for jobs to achieve that.
     
  13. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    I disagree.

    American society is so superficial, we measure the value of our existence by how many things we can buy with paper bills and plastic. Not only that, but then individuals turn around and perceive themselves as worthless if they aren't able to consume or buy a certain amount of things by a certain age in just the third decade of life, as if that is an admirable quality or something worthy to emulate.

    You're a good person and that's half the battle. Your enemies may have more buying power than you, they may even look better than you, but that's not the measure of a person. You're going through setbacks for a reason, and at your age it will make you a lot stronger in mind, and that alone can change your outlook and doors will naturally open when you have a developed ethic on what's actually important, and a better attitude.

    And why are you worried about impressing degenerates like your enemies anyway? Maybe it will be more productive to stop keeping up with how their "achievements" are going, and instead focus on strengthening yourself. Life doesn't happen as a staircase, try to look at the steps. Deep breaths.

    What steps are you taking today to accomplish a step having a different result than yesterday? Work the dead end job. Work hard and do your best everyday with a smile. Maybe you'll be promoted to assistant manager, but when you do your best even at something like bagging groceries, cleaning toilets, or frying potatoes, you always leave a good impression on your employer and motivate your colleagues, and will get great recommendations for being superb and being dependable to get the job done, which is a requirement for anyone who wants to be successful at anything ever.

    Do what you need to do to get where you want to be. Small steps, deep breaths.

    Best of luck.
     
  14. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I read this post the other day but like everyone-sometimes we don't know what to say ... just wanna tell you you're a lovely caring giving person, but i have to agree with lexi in saying that you are aiming too high. You're the same age as me, we're in no way old, start small and keep up your positive attitude. Honestly, I think you'd make a great samaritans volunteer, think you just have it in you. Always here for you greg :arms:
     
  15. Levi2251

    Levi2251 New Member

    I haven't been to the chat room nor have I met you on the forum or anywhere else before this...

    BUT...

    what is it you really want to do? Do you want to be a skydiver? Rock climber? Carpenter? Doctor? Cardiologist? Radiologist?
    Do you want to go back to school for something you didn't get to take when you were there before? Do you want to find the love of your life? What do you want to do?
    Try taking life step by step. Find out what you really want to do. Then plan out a way to get there. Once you start your path to that, find something to occupy your free time. Hang out with friends, play some games, watch movies, go to a bar, a casino, club; do something to make yourself even the tiniest bit happier while you aren't working your way toward your goal.

    Or if you don't want to take it slow: work toward your goal as often and as much as possible. Keep focused on where you are going, not where you have been or where you are now. These days will pass and you WILL make it. Take your chance to do what you love.

    If you ever need someone to play a game with or even just to chat with, PM me. I try to get on every day to check in. I can only hope you will think over everything that's been said since the beginning of this topic.
     
  16. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity Chat Pro

    I am suck a fucking idoit.

    There was a job fair today... didn't feel worth going after being away from the things I once wanted a career to obtain for so long... but I had told myself I would. It was today, I had nothing I had to do and It wasn't at a college... a place where I will never be able to set foot on without falling into full on crisis mode. Fucking anxiety took over... and I couldn't drive myself to get ready...

    Eventually I calmed down enough to drive safely... and made the trip.

    I got there just to realize I forgot my fucking resumes.

    Just fucking like me to find a way to fuck up something as simple as that in a critical time. All I ever do when the chips are down... and it all counts.

    I will reply to individual posts later... I needed to get this out... and this felt like a better idea than making a new thread.
     
  17. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Never too late to start somewhere, a lot older people are starting as well you're not alone in your journey where you want to go.
     
  18. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity Chat Pro

    I was doing well when I avoided the career issue... or set the goals so low that it could be achived.

    Despite that I had yet another breakdown today... I thought I was doing better but I am nothing but a stupid, weak, incompitant dumbass..


    I can't keep living in this cycle knowing those who bullied me, people who at such a young age proved to be cut from the same mold as bin laden or hitler are getting everything I wanted out of life.

    I don't know what to do... I don't see any goals worth setting that I can realsiticly expect to accomplish any time soon.
     
  19. Concrete_Angel

    Concrete_Angel Forum Buddy

    Its never too late! Your still really young random guy and you can achieve your goqls , it doesn't matter how old you are or anything you can do it if you put your mind to it. I think its worth doing.
     
  20. Newguy12

    Newguy12 Member

    Randomguy9, I don't know you, but based on what others have said about you in this thread, you sound like a likeable person. I don't know if I can help, but I have a few suggestions that you can try.

    If you need a college education for the career that you want, but are unable to afford it, you could always search for scholarships for those who have disabilities. You might be able to find the scholarship money you need.

    I know that you said you tried college before and that it didn't go well, but it can't hurt to try again. If you need any extra help with learning the material, any school you go to should be able to help.

    If you need surgeries and medical treatments, you might also be able to find help paying for the surgery. You could receive financial help from the government or charity organizations that are designed to help uninsured people pay for medical bills that they can’t afford to pay.

    Though I don't have your physical problems, I do understand what it is like to have a brain that doesn't work as well in some areas as it seems to for other people. I know what it's like to be stuck in that rut where one becomes convinced that they are too much of an idiot to do anything right and that they fail at everything they do. I’ve been there.

    Getting out of it requires you to focus on things that you know you can do and that you know you are good at. It is extremely difficult to accomplish, I know this, but you don’t have to do it alone.
     
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