To get started: same old question

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by icewolf, Sep 28, 2010.

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  1. icewolf

    icewolf Member

    Hi, im new to these forums. Wasnt sure if this is the right subforum to post in, but it seems appropriate to the subject.

    A month ago you wouldnt find me on a forum like this. Having kept depression at bay through sheer willpower for years now, I dont like asking for help. Give the beast a glimpse of weakness and it jumps you, if you know what i mean. But, the question is always the same, and wel, stil failing to answer it myself, so here I am.

    About me.
    Started getting depressed at about 14 or 16. Back then i didntknow what it was. Just tired all the time and very 'nafi' (no interest, fuckall ambition) Mom used to scream at me about that. Before then I was a total five star golden boy who would oneday be rich and famous etc. So everyone was very dissapointed in me. Sudden change from wow to meh, did not impress all those expectaions much.
    Having it undiagnosed, it started to systematically ruin opportunities for me. Ofc I blamed myself, becoming totally convinced that it was my personality, and that I was useless.
    Then when i hit 19 or 20 i somehow got enough marks together to go study finacial mathematics at the top uni. Rly rly high paying job. would have been great. But instead, my brain blew up. Total wipeout. i'm talking, staring at wall and drooling. Took some evil strong drugs and brain shocking to make me half-human again.
    After that I traveled on a working holiday visa to try and find my place in the world again. Came back, studied Creative writing instead. Took 5 years instead of 3 coz of many screwups. (One year I was so depressed i didnt show up for final examns.) But finally got it. Soon found out i couldnt hold a copywriting job since I often needed down time and those ppl are rly harsh and hyper. So, five more years wasted. Wil get to where I amm now insa sec.

    Ok, here is what I have done to get better:
    MAny, many, many psychiatrists, psycologists, psycgotherapists, councelors.
    The talky ones didnt help at all. The scribbly ones differed in opinions, but a few of them said bipolar. Went through major courses of lamictin and antipsycotics etc. Dozens of combos of meds.
    Even got exorsised by one guy who reckoned i was posessed. WAs funny, but didnt rly help.

    Here is the problem:
    nothing helps. I know some of you have had depression for longer than 10 years, but I think 10 is about enough for me. The meds give me all of their side effects, but no feeling better. LAmictin memory damage side effect is not fun. (eg, go to the kitchen: Where am i? what am I doing in the kitchen?")
    My depression runs in cycles. It looks bipolar, but never goes manic. Imagine a curved line under a line labeled 'normal'. Stabilizing the curve doesnt help coz then I'm stuck on feeling 'mildly shit' + zombiestate side effects.
    So every few weeks I peak at the bottom and life turns into a black hell of despair, anxiety, guilt and pain. Then the suicidal thoughs come. All i can do is fight and fight and fight. When it eventually passes I get rewarded with a few days of feeling 'mildly shit, but shit enough to not function propperly at a job.'

    AT the moment:
    I have started writing a book. Writing seems to be my only talent and I cant apply it profesionally, so a book is my only option. Got about halfway and then my depression got wise and started attacking me whenever I sit down to type. It feels almost alive and spitefull. If I could manage to do this I could make some money and maybe go back to traveling, or something, anything. Without money you cant do bloody anything. I hate how the world works. In the last two months I havent been able to write more than a paragraph.. my last chance is dwindling.

    The 'guards' beat down any attepmt at escape. The meds turn me into a drooling idiot. The proffesionals smile and nod and wish I would go away coz they cant seem to help and I'm damaging their reps. Friends and family try to hide their dissapointment and dissaproval but fail.
    It seems to me that there are two kinds of suicide.
    1) Suicide as a response to the pain. An act of self empowerment. Almost always fails. I think you just want to get away, not rly die, so you subconsciously sabotage your attempt.
    2) Suicide as a choice. No crying, no frantic gobbling pills etc. just a calm, foolproof choice to not life this way anymore... and then an end.

    So, this is why I came here.
    I'm strong enough to fight and keep myself alive.
    Despite surviving I have nothing to look forward to except more years of the same old guilt, dissapointment, despair.

    But why? What kind of idiot clings to life just 'because'?

    Please... if anyone knows what Im talkig about, and has some kind of theory or speculative answer, let me know.

    ps: (please, no general well wishes or hollow sentiments. i'm not drowning in sorrow atm. I'm clear of mind and asking an honest question. Sorry,this sounds very arrogant and crappy :/)
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Have you thought about going back to Uni?? This time choose a major that will make you happy..Why not give math another try...Accountants make good money..
  3. PiecesMended

    PiecesMended Well-Known Member

    Yeah i kinda get what you mean. I've only attempted once which no one knows about but I realise now that I fucked it up on purpose because I just wanted to escape not die (if that makes sense?) Though I think there's a third kind, where you don't really know what you're doing anymore, i suppose it's similar to the first one but a little different. That's what my brother keeps doing. Going to do it because his thoughts are so messed up that he doesn't even know what he's doing anymore. Also, don't mean to be annoying and well-wishy but hope you start writting again soon.
  4. Aphorism

    Aphorism Well-Known Member

    Try and maybe focus on writing WHATEVER comes to your mind? Disregard the pressures of making it perfect or having it even apply to a novel. Maybe a few drabbles will help you fight your inner demons. I know it has helped me, and frankly I'm embarrassed by most of it, but it did help.

    I somewhat understand the feelings of blankness, and it was mostly a matter of moving through the days and trying to avoid how I was feeling.

    Suicide may seem like the most logical option at this point. And I get your question: why muddle through life when there's no use? But frankly, it's all in perspective. If you change your outlook on things, you'll find that there are MANY positive parts of life which you will ultimately miss out on if you choose to end it.

    I can imagine the road seems bleak, now, but people CAN and DO get better, beyond darker years in their lives.

    I am sorry you've suffered even after so much diagnosis, medications, and past failures. I can't guarantee anything, but I do know that hope and appreciation for the beautiful, however minuet, things in life can really make it all feel very worth it.

    In terms of your job situation, have you been able to get a lower paying job to at least support some of your finical expenses? If not, maybe that would help you feel more stable in your life, by giving you something to wake up for. You could also save up some more money to go back to Uni, if you so choose.

    I wish I could help more.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    new meds now try them saphris others just come out for the hard to heal type
    not in canada yet can't wait until it is.
  6. icewolf

    icewolf Member

    Thanks for taking the time to read this and answering guys. I really appreciate it.

    @ Stranger 1:
    i have thought about that actually. Unfortunately I cant. Someone in my support structure (parents most likely) would have to pay for it and I dont really want to ask them unless i'm sure it wont fail. At this point i'm not sure. Need to show a tiny bit of success at leat for 5 years worth of study to prove i'm not just stabbing in the dark. If that makes sense. But thank you for the suggestion.

    @ Pieces mended:
    Good point. I agree that the third way exists as well. Know a guy like that as well. I'm afraid of suicide, becasue i know that when I eventually get there i wont subconsciously save myself.
    Thanks for the well-wishing :p I do hope to start writing again too, so i appreciate your thought.

    @ Aphorism:
    Thanks for the writing advice, it is sound. It does help, but just, not enough. I distract my mind with some meaningless writing and then swing back to the important work, and sometimes it I then manage to slip in a page or two. Thing is, especially in copywriting, a certain volume is expected which I cant match, no matter the tricks. Editors and copywriting bosses tend to tell me that if i cant keep up I shouldnt bother. See the problem?
    Yeah, avoiding the feelings is probably the best fighting tactic, you're right, but only for living one more day, not fixing a life.

    "Suicide may seem like the most logical option at this point. And I get your question: why muddle through life when there's no use? But frankly, it's all in perspective. If you change your outlook on things, you'll find that there are MANY positive parts of life which you will ultimately miss out on if you choose to end it."

    You are correct here, I agree. They do tend to cost money though in one way or another.

    I have had minor jobs over the years. Even managed to keep one for a year and a half. The little bit of income does make one feel better, agreed. However, you dont have to be depressed to start feeling the pointlessness in the end. A career, a chosen path, something that rewards you with not just money, but positive energy, now that is what I would like.
    Am on a deadline actually. If I do not finish ths current writing project by the end of the year I promised to go do another tour of minor jobs. Career posibility failed, total defeat, is what that wil be, and if i survive it then someone owes me a medal :p

    Thanks for the reply, it was intuitive. I think you heard me, and that helps a bit.

    Thank you. New meds mean new options, and options mean hope. Will look into that.
  7. paul777

    paul777 Well-Known Member

    Hi Icewolf

    Don't know what to say except I have read your post and am thinking of you.

    I can relate to alot of what you have said, and am very disapointed at where I have ended up at 30.

    Don't be too hard on yourself, or think you are the only one who feels this way.

    Try to confide in a friend.

    Best wishes

  8. Kate777

    Kate777 Well-Known Member

    Hey Icewolf,

    I can understand the difficulty with work. I was in a position where I couldn't afford treatment without working but wasn't well enough to work......

    I know this might not be relevant to you right now but perhaps over the next few months you could think about doing one or two smaller jobs on a freelance basis. This is how I gradually got back into working. The jobs might not be ideal (ie lots of money or in your creative field) but they can vary from 1 or 2 hours to 20+ hours so you can build up without the pressure of going straight into full time employment.

    There are a lot of sites that unite freelancers with people offering work and I have done some copywriting work on this basis for a few companies. If you would like any details please PM me. Even though the work I've been doing isn't in the field that I originally completed my degree in, the fact that I have been able to work at all has helped. If you don't want to take on the pressure of paid employment why not do some copywriting for a small company free of charge? It would be good for your career and allow you to build a portfolio but, more importantly, it will help build your confidence back up and ensure your studying wasn't a waste of time.

    If you feel like you'd be ready to do this straight away then that's great. If not, why not try and give yourself a small target. Maybe writing 3 sentences a day? Doesn't have to be for your book or anything constructive, just write something every day and gradually build it up.

    Hope this helps - if you want any help finding suitable work or projects feel free to contact me
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