to go on

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by total eclipse, Oct 12, 2009.

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  1. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i have nothing left to go on. She is not wanting me i am no good for her
    I wanted to see her tonight but noone would take me. I am so sad she is there i would do anything to take her pain and sadness away. Oh god i find this too hard being seperated from her I hate me for this i hate how i can't let go i am so weak I want so badly to have it all stop why won't she talk to me I tried to make her understand it was too dangerous to drive today. I need this pain and sadness to go away for her and for me. I don't see any hope just sadness
  2. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    What do you mean when you say you're no good for her? What's hurting you the most?
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i screwed her up i didn't protect her i tried to be everything my mother wasn't i tried to give her everything. I let her be to dependant on me she can't survive with out me now i fucked up bad i didn't give her the skills to survive I did all her fighting for her. i didn't teach her how to be a fighter im tired i am a nothing a noone i want to take something and just keep stabbing myself again and again until i don't feel anymore pain. i hate me i am not a good mother wife nothing just stupid idiot who thought she could become someone they were all right i am nothing so much pain oh god so much pain im sorry just ranting okay don't worry
  4. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    It's okay. Just say whatever you feel.
  5. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Many, many parents strive to give their children what they didn't have as a child and they fight their children's battles too. You are a very good mother. You care so much and worry about her future.

    When our children have to go into lock down, they react very strongly. I remember how it was with my daughter. It took time for her to settle down.

    My concern is how much support do you have at this time.

  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Violet I know how you are feeling. But how can you say those things. Where is she right now hun. And why? Because you DO love her and are a good enough Mom to see this is what she needs. You are feeling guilty because you are a good mom. All of this hurts because you are a good mom. If you werent then now of this would hurt or mean a damn to you right now. Do you understand that hun? A bad mom wouldnt give any of this a second thought. Anything that she says or does right now isnt her talking. It's the depression, suicidal thoughts and above all else her anger. Give it some time. I know I know so damn hard to ride out right now but you've got to stay strong for both of you. And you know you've got friends here that will gladly be there to help you through it all.
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOur right just the guilt i am feeling i hate her there i hate seeing her trapped
    i get so anxious when i can't be there but it is so hard to get to see her. I have to work today and tomorrow and just want to call in sick but can't bills dam bills to pay. She should be happy strong independant but she is none of these things. Please god help me to stay strong not to interfer i just can't interfer this time i have to let the doctor do his work Guilt so much of it i tried so hard to keep her safe to protect her i over did this. Thanks for all your comments and advice somehow i have to keep my anxiety down and just trust this doctor to get her well. I have to trust these professionals to help her because what i was doing was only harming her. i was keeping her so young, Im sorry i just wanted a family that was strong and happy I was always there for my children i wanted them to look at me with oh i can't even say dam word but i need to be strong i can't give in ths time i have to keep her where she can get help. thanks I never wanted my family to be torn apart this way it was all i had.
  8. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Violet you need some time to look after yourself! Failing that, is there anyone there who could help look after YOU?

  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    thanks Tam i will be okay hard thats all I see my doc tomorrow but i just have to keep anxiety down thats all. tell my brain she is safe there i will be okay i have to be.
  10. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Keeping her safe and protecting her innocence from the harshness of this world did not harm her. I have two daughters I kept out of the mess of the world. Most people used to do this. Daughter's were more protected.

    Now that mine are out in the world, they respect what I did. My step daughter, who lives here, was raised the same way by her grandparents until they died. I give her more guidance at this time while she makes the transition to the world. She's 20 now.

    You're a very good mother.

  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Thanks for saying that but i have been told i am partly to blame for the way she is and i am trying to change now. Her psychiatric problems just add on top of it. I was able to convince her dad to go see her tonight
    He works out that way so i just said either you visit her or i take time off work and go. He doesn't like me giving up money so he said he will go see her if it help me calm down. I am less anxious now knowing he is going to visit her at least she won't be alone for another day. I only want her well and pray this time the doctor can help her.
    Im okay going to work soon. Work always is so busy and it helps me keep my mind off things
    I want to thank each and everyone of you for getting me through this bout of anxiety and pain sometimes the flashbacks can be overwhelming and i just seem to fall apart You guys help me to keep it together help be to see clearer thanks. i am breathing easier now.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 13, 2009
  12. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Violet, I know partially what your feeling.. My daughter was in and out of institutions since she was thirteen..Lived in foster homes..Her mom couldn't handle her..I had her down here a few times and she was just a wild child and would run away.. The town I live in is a treansient town and the homeless would prey on such a young girl..So I sent her back north to her mom..She's twenty eight now and has a eight year old little girl.. She has turned out to be a good mom.. She still has a little wildness in her but for the most part she has stepped up and taken on responsibility..I tell you this because there is hope.. The older she gets the less she will retaliate..I hope she gets the help this go round.. And you take care and stay safe!!
  13. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    thanks stranger1 i hope she settles down soon to. she is so self destructive I have tried everything to get her help but she sabotages everything. I just found out she will be discharged home to me again on friday i will be at work so her father will get her. i don't get it doctor says she need help for her addictions yet doesn't set her up with any help I guess she will come home OD again what a dam viscious circle One time she will go to far and i know i won't be able to handle that i know that day will end me. god i live in fear everyday for whats to come. Just sound phone ringing and i panick. I truly hope somehow she gets it this time but i doubt it.
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