To know is the worst evil...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Questa_Bella_Vita_*MUTED*, Jan 10, 2009.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. 10:13 PM (GMT)

    Hi, I've just joined this forum and I'm not sure if this is the place to do it but I thought I would introduce myself.

    I'm 22y/o, and live at home with my parents because my mind has been crippled by the strain of my years so far.
    I leave the house once a week, every Sunday at 9:15 AM to help my parents do the weekly food shop. In is one act I expend the grand total of psycological energy that I have for any one week.

    I wasn't always like this.. far from it (hence this threads title)...

    When I was a young child, and attending my Infants School (that's ages 4-sih-7-ish for anyone outside of the UK) I was a bright energetic child, who could honestly say that every child in his class and the school (it was a small school, about 200 pupils) was his friend, and that he was liked by all of them.
    I was bright (my Year 2 teacher (ages 6-7) called my parents in to inform them that my SAT results showed that I had '...already surpassed the average 14 year old in knowledge and understanding.') and lived every day like it was a dream, always laughing and joking, with a love for everyone that I met but a bravery that allowed me to stand up for my friends.

    My home life was idilyc... my mum is the kindest, smartest sweetest person... but taught me morals and ethics... and my dad is honest brave and true as we say in my family. They loved me without question, and I them...
    They never have, or have they ever argued, not once in 40 years of knowing eachother.

    At the age of 11 I sat my 11 plus, an exam to allow you to go to a specialist class of schools for academically gifted children and I passed with 99%.

    And this is where everything started to go wrong...

    I went to a school, that shall be referred to as School A. It was the best school in the country for those who passed there 11 plus, and I was greatly anticipating my first day... I was so happy to be going somewhere where I could stretch my intellect... the opportunity to make new friends and be treated more like a grown up...

    And for the most part yes, the school was excellent, the children were nice and the staff were good at there job and kind with it...

    ...except one...

    He was the French Master, for the upper year seven class, my class. From day one he made inappropriate sexual innuendo towards me and other boys in the class. But it mostly went over my head as I didnt even know what 'gay' or 'homosexual' ment...
    One day, out of the blue I mentioned it to my mum, who was horrified. She contacted the school... and meeting was arranged... between my parents and the headmistress. She informed my parent that there complaint would be taken in and dealt with ASAP.
    Instead, the next day when I went into the school I was accosted by the 'Parental Liaison Officer' and taken to a small room at the back of the school.

    Please keep in mind that I am 11 y/o at this point...

    The Liaison Officer sat me down and quite bluntly told me that '... you are going to go home this evening and tell your parents that you were lying, otherwise we will tell your parents that you are a naughty boy, and your grades WILL suffer.'

    I was shaken to the core... I didnt know that this is how the adult world worked... hell, I hadnt even been in an argument... ever.

    When I got home, the fear that someone would tell my parents that I was a naughty boy almost made me physically sick... so I told my parents that I had lied.

    The fact that I had to lie to my parents for the first time didnt have a good effect on me, the guilt tore me up inside until I cut myself for the first time...

    I went back to school, and everything was ok for a while... but because my grades at french were good, the other boys (it was a single sex school) started teasing me about being gay with the French master for good grades...

    And in the end that teasing had an odd prophetic quality to it...

    He cornered me in the French class on last period and tried to sexually assault me... luckily I got away.

    And the school STILL protected him when my parents brought police to the school... claiming that i had been constantly abusive to members of staff and other children... in the end my parents had to drop the case due to '...lack of evidence...' and that the police were looking at taking ME to Juvinial Prison.

    I was home educated till the age of 14 when I decided that I could return to the school system (to the school my oldest friends went to because they chose not to do the 11 plus) and had a great time at a school that is looked down upon, that I found to be a dream. I even managed to make new friends but then that fell apart too due to the blubber armour I had gained in the intermediate years, and the fear of being open...

    So, now here I sit in my room at the age of 22... unable to leave the house but once a week... looking into the eyes of my mother and father whom I love more than life itself, and watch the fires of fear within slowly kill them.

    Im sorry that this was a bit long, but ive needed to tell someone, anyone this for so long...

  2. So what Im asking is... how do you go forward when you know how wonderful everything can be... but that you seem to have an inability to maintain it for more than about 2 years max?!

    Im really struggling with a life of total high and crushing lows...

    -J- :sadwave:
  3. icerain

    icerain Well-Known Member

    i think first you should take baby steps. you go out once a week now, how about just going outside a different day. even just go out to the end of the driveway; then the next week, try going to the corner and back....smaller steps if needed. the highs and lows may never stop, but if you journal them, you may find some sort of pattern and work thru it?
    you are fortunate to have your parents, but you have every right to feel the way you do.
  4. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    :hug: I'm really sorry about what happened to you, that's absolutely disgusting. To answer your question.... I don't really know.... for me myself, I've never felt complete happiness I don't think...what you've got to remember is that your life isn't going to be the same way forever - like the next stages of your life mightn't be as hard. But I do think life is a series or highs and lows, I don't think a completely happy or completely miserable life is possible really. I know what you mean about not being able to hold on to happiness. I realised myself lately that complete happiness is never going to be possible for me, they're always be something. But for you, it seems like you have so much going for you I'm sure if you try and rebuild things everything will get a lot better for you. I think you should try counselling, you seem to be really struggling with all the memories of school. I'm sorry this reply is a bit over the place lol...but I wish you luck. :smile: Pm me if you want to talk anytime.
  5. Xian

    Xian Well-Known Member

    because you were already 11 when this happened you probably have a lot of inner anger and aggression pent up inside that has resulted in psychological problems. you can't just live this way though you have to let it out or else it will come out in a bad way. get a hobby, exercise or do something to burn off that anger.
  6. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    J, i am so so sorry. it is evil and sickening taht anything like this happens, and sadly it does, and we are told to 'get on with life'.

    it is desgusting in my honest opinion.

    i cant say anything that will help you unfortunately. all i can say though is that i like many on this forum, have been through sexual assaults, i myself, 3 times, and all i can do to stop myself from simply stopping, is blocking them out. and believe me they barely stay blocked for long.

    i too dont go outside, i much prefer my bed and my room, its my space and my 'home' and i am safe here, though people do not understand that at times.

    you are lucky that you have the support of your parents, and maybe you can draw strength from them and their support for you.

    have you ever sought counsilling for your trauma? sometimes it does help.

    i am here if you need someone, i barely sleep so PM me and i will reply asap :hug:
  7. tendenCs_89

    tendenCs_89 Well-Known Member

    I cant believe something like this could happen, its disgusting.
    Have you ever tried therapy, or councelling?
    I hope you dont give in, keep fighting for a better future
    pm me anytime
  8. the fleet asleep

    the fleet asleep Well-Known Member

    too often, it seems like society protects these kinds of predators, rather than come to grips with the fact that most predators come off as normal members of society. many times, as to catch a predator has proven, theyre respected members of the community. im sorry to hear that you were a victim of this.

    i can relate to your story quite a bit though. i too was deemed "gifted". i soaked it up when i was younger, as i had quite a bit of ADD, but i grew to resent it. in high school i was administered a state funded iq test, and scored well into "genius" range. i was offered grant after grant, and free tuition in 2 of connecticuts more prestigious high schools. instead of taking the offers, i rebelled against the attention and dropped off the face of the planet. i skipped school every other day, and conned teachers out of money to feed my drug habits. i had to con my principal into graduation me, even though i had missed the equivalent of an entire year of high school in my junior and senior years. i was an idiot

    a few bad choices, and devastating twists of fate later, and im 22 and living at home. i know what its like to never leave the house, spending vast amonts of time wondering why i could never manage to get my ish together. its sucks to sleep on a pile of wasted potential, i know.

    heres where i would say something encouraging, but i dont think im in any position to do so. i know that venting is good, and i can only say that continuing to do so could certainly cause no harm. hopefully, my relating to your story, and posting this response, brings you some miniscule amount of relief. if only very briefly
  9. Thank you, all of you who have posted replys... I think this is the first forum of this kind that I have found where not a single person said either:

    '... boo hoo, poor little smart boy with talent and great parents and memories, how do you cope..?'


    '... how dare you use our forum to moan about knowing what its like to be happy?!'

    Its moved me to emotion, somthing that doesnt often happen to me.

    @ IceRain: (For saying that I have every right to feel this way, I thank you from the bottom of my heart in a way I cant even begin to describe...) I think I didnt go into detail about my lack of ability to leave the house... I leave the house every day, the actual act isnt the problem. The problem occurs when I have to interact with people. In the moment im fine, and quickly put on my 'normal' mask... the problem is that I know that once I get home Ill sit in my room reliving ever word of every conversation, analizing it until I've convinsed myself that I made an embarrisment of myself and that the person I talked to was embarresed to be seen with me, and wanted to get away from my boring talking... but thank you so much for taking time to write something to help, its greatly appreciated...

    @ ripper: THank you for the reply, its not all over the place... its rather concise and well placed... and I dont really hold the idea of 'perfect happiness' being atainable, it would just be nice to be able to say Im happy with one thing... bod, mood, mind etc

    @ Xian: Thank you for the concern friend, but the odd thing is that I have NEVER been angry, Im completly incapable of that emotion... its odd, and argubly the thing that had lead to mostr of my problems since people either take advantage of it or assume I have the patience of a saint... lol

    @ wheresmysheep (lovin' the name btw) Im so sorry that you had to go through something like that 3 times... personally Ive had 2 near misses (one more near miss than the other). Thank you for the advice about concelling, and i have often thought about it and would never feel ashamed to talk to someone, but I have very few memories of the ages of 11-14... Ive blocked it all out, that I wouldnt even have anything to talk about... lol I remember the situations in an odd kinda 'out of body' way...

    @ tendenCs_89: Thanks for the reply friend, and the advice..

    @ now think later: Atleast I now know that my particular form of life is something that someone can understand so intimitly... thank you

    -J- :sadwave:
  10. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Taking baby steps is still the best way to do things. Your experience is something that should have never happened and i am appalled that the school would not do things to keep you and all the other children safe. Your French master has no business being around children of any age. I can see why you would be traumatized. One suggestion I have is a change in your routine. You stated that you kow after you have been out and conversed with people you come back, go to your room and rehash things until it works against you. Don't allow yourself that room time. When we get alone our minds can take us all kinds of terrible places. You and your parents seem to have a good relationship so capitalize on that. You mention that you have not had any types of counselling services to help you deal with these thoughts. Even if you have few memories of those years, you have shared with us what you believe to be the catalyst for your issues. The things you have shared are more than enough at this point for a therapist to work with you on. You may remember more than you realize if the right questions are posed to you. In reality it isn't the memories themselves that are so important, but the thoughts driving you in the direction they have taken. At least it is something to consider. You sound like a wonderful person. I hope you are able to defeat this and continue on with the type of life you should have had if you had not encountered these self centered people.
  11. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    well then those people are ignorant fucks :tongue: you have as much right, and in my mind, possibly abit more than some, to come and "moan" about your problems and whatnot hun

    hope it was good emotion of course

    dont worry, i can completely relate to this, although i dont like leaving the house just as much as the talking to people. what if i say something offencive to them and not mean it? what if they're just talking to me to be nice? what if they are trying to get away from me to go somewhere else and i dont pick up on it? etc etc etc. :hug: your not alone :hug:

    i cant talk about any of mine, i just cant i dont know why.. nd new things still come to me about them. it sucks. and thank you for the name compliment.

    i think it brings a smile to peoples faces, and normally its not taken, so i am quite proud of it :tongue::laugh:

    again, your welcome here hun, and i hope we can all help you :cuddle2:
  12. icerain

    icerain Well-Known Member

    i now understand more of your situation, and it is exactly the way i am too, so you are not alone in your responses to interaction with people...
    i go to my job each day, and i can't wait to get back home into my bed. it is a relief to not be around other people. too much interaction with others i hide wherever i can if i cannot get home. i void myself of any emotion.
    i know that it would be devestating to tell someone face to face (counsellor, etc.), but once you get it over with, it can be a relief and they may be able to help you more with social interactions. if you cannot speak about it, write it in a letter, or just print out what you have said here. it may not be as intimidating, and just tell the counsellor that you are not comfortable speaking about the situation at this time.
    take care of yourself
  13. levitated-one

    levitated-one Well-Known Member

    Sorry this happened to you, I have a few similarities with you:

    I am 23 and have just moved in to live with my parents last year, due to unsolved issues with them. Also I couldn't support myself anymore due to massive depression and social anxiety I cannot work - this is due to drugs. I've quit now, and am slowly recovering from it.

    Unlike you, I'm not gifted academically because I have a terrible memory and low concentration span on boring subjects. But surprisingly I have high IQ in the range of 135-149. I'm only good at solving puzzles and quizes, and am creative minded. So it's nice to meet gifted people here on SF.

    I'm sorry that this thing happened to you, as the school has a reputation to guard against, it also has so much power because it's a respectable school. Unless other kids are able to bare witness to your case, you're in a disadvantage.
    You shouldn't care so much about your school report when they threatened you about failing your work. It's always best to tell the truth no matter what, as much truth as possible in cases like these. Because when the facts add up, they might make a mistake on their part as they're lying the whole way through.

    About the social anxiety you have now, I can relate a lot to this. I have a lot of paranoia about what people think of what I do, say or act. I feel like I shouldn't wear that stupid mask I'm wearing and just be free, free like a bird.
    But obviously to victims of abuse, bully, violence, and sexual assaults it is VERY DIFFICULT to cope with other people, without thinking about a lot of things in your mind.
    I've been abused and over punished as a kid by my own parents, they think it's discipline but it looks more like uncontrolled violence on me.

    Then some "friend" went and spoil our friendship by making me look like such a fool, embarassing me to almost everyone I knew over something that I cannot change nor did I do wrong. Such a friend, caused me to really think twice about my true friends. My true friends = 1. But I'm not talking to him because of social anxiety and he has nothing in common with me.

    What is wrong is our inability to cope with the ever cruel, ever changing world we live in. Everyone's trying to be the shark in this game, cheat, kill, steal, and take advantage of others' kindness or ignorance.

    This is why I'm out, unless I happened to change my view completely. If my views stays the same, that means I cannot cope any further.
  14. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    They should have fired that french ******. I wish luck and strength to you.
  15. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Bella Vita,
    I can relate to you. I am male and was molested when young by a man in our neighberhood. He had his way with all the boys in said neighberhood. We took him to court and all the judge did was make him move. So he moved into the neighberhood behind ours. The way I got back at him was we would drive by in a friends brothers car and take wrist rockets( slingshots ). And steel ball bearings and shoot holes in his house only imagining that one would hit him. I put it to the back of my mind until I joined the forum I came out and told another person who is in the same shoes as us.
    It is possible to put it behind you. You really should listen to the others about seeing a therapist. It takes time, I also am an isolationist. I went fourteen years isolated except to go to the doctor. I then found a therapist I could bond with and it has taken three years but I have been getting out of the house a little more. When the anxiety gets to high I go home to my room take some medicine andclose the blinds turn on the stereo low. Then my dog and I just lie there and listen to music.
    Well I am getting long winded, to keep it short get yourself a good therapist, you might have to go thru a couple before you find one you bond to. You will need to tell all so they can work up a treatment plan. Be patient it takes time to get all those years of pain out!!! Take Care!!~Joseph~
  16. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    this is so incredibly sad and i relate to a fair bit. you won't ever forget it but with help you can get your life back. it won't be easy but there are many here who understand trust me on that. you were brave to post this... i have just messaged you. welcome to sf btw

    sam xx
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.